Teddy and the Blankie

I've never talked about my children's loveys. 

Oldest has Teddy.  Teddy has, quite literally, been with her her entire life.  I put him in her crib when she came home from the hospital.  We now have three of him (Teddy in Triplicate), but it's always been the "old Teddy" she loves (or pinkish-gray Teddy, as she named him at 4). 

Teddy actually got himself in trouble for a few years and had to stay home.  He just couldn't control himself and kept "making" Oldest say bad things - like Poop, butt, toots, etc.  Bad ol'Teddy.  ;)

Youngest has blankie.  Blankie, you may recall, almost got lost in Florida in March.  I let her bring blankie in the stroller and blankie dropped out, unbeknownst to all of us.  When we figured it out, my Dad, Grandpa extraordinaire (or Bampy to them), retraced our steps all the way back to the beginning TWICE before eventually finding that blankie.  Thank goodness and thanks, Dad.  :)

You know what it is about their loveys that my kids love?  Their satin.  Teddy has a satin ribbon around his neck and blankie is ringed with satin.  Both girls stroke the satin to calm themselves.  The satin gives them comfort.

Teddy and the Blankie are the reasons my children are good sleepers.  One of my sisters still lies down with her daughter at night.  One time I was touting the lovey concept to her and she quipped, "well, obviously I'M my daughter's lovey!"  And it was funny, yet so true.  Had I not pushed the loveys, I don't know that they would have become the independent (from Mommy at least and that's what's important, right?), lengthy sleepers they did. 

So here's to the loveys.  One day, they won't want them anymore.  One day they will be embarassed by them.  When that happens, I will be happy to pick up the pieces of those lovey broken hearts.  They were an integral part of my kid's lives, so that means they will always have a special place in mine. 

Kinda makes me want a lovey of my own, something to calm the daily strife, the internalization of the challenges we face as adults.  Doesn't it?

The "Tomato" Drill

My children had a tornado drill at school on Friday.  According to Youngest's teacher, it was "traumatic."   

Apparently, the mere word "drill" totally freaks out Youngest and one other little boy in class.  So a loud fire drill is hugely traumatic, but even a quiet "just walk into the hall and assume the position" tornado drill causes all kinds of wailing and nashing of the teeth on the part of Youngest. 

So Friday was a tornado drill and Youngest was so distraught that the Executive Director of the whole place took pity on her and sat down behind her while she was in "tornado position," rubbing her back and trying to calm her. 

Youngest (2) was so appreciative that when she went back into her classroom, she asked her teacher if she could "write a letter" to the Director.  So she scibbled blue marker all over a paper and then the teacher wrote this letter, as dictated by Youngest:

Dear Name of Director:
I really liked it when you rubbed my back during the tomato drill.  You made me feel very safe today.
Love,  Youngest

Melts a mommy's heart, doesn't it?

If you have kids, have you ever been at school on a drill day?  When I am, it brings me to tears, watching the reality of our trust in the place we take our children every day.  We don't just trust them to educate, we trust them with their very lives in case of emergency.  To see how seriously they take this charge is overwhelming to me from the parent perspective.  And to think about "what if the real thing" did occur, how important all of these Drill Days would become is just mind-boggling. 

So today is Teacher Appreciation Day at their school.  And I will thank them here (and there) for teaching our children many life skills, not just academics.  I am blessed this year that all of my children's teachers view their job as more than a job, but a true calling to help each and every child reach their full potential and I am grateful to their dedication and selflessness. 

Thank you, Teachers.

Editorial Thursday - 24 hour access to TV

I'm writing over at sited and blogged today.  Head over, read my post and tell me what you think of this question:

What do you think of 24 hour access to kid's shows?  Is it your saving grace or your downfall in your house?

Time for Some Tough Love Around These Here Parts - Wednesday

Originally, this was to be a post about tough love for Youngest.  Now it's about tough love for both children.  Yay.

Youngest
The Official Goodbye to Paci Weekend happened 2.5 weeks ago.  Hind sight tells me I misinterpreted Youngest's reason for waking up nightly (sometimes repeatedly).  It wasn't because she needed her paci replaced.  It was just a good ol'bad habit.

Which has continued since Paci went buh-bye.  Add to it that she's taking close to an hour to fall asleep at night and has only been sleeping a little over an hour for her nap, and we've got one over-tired toddler on our hands.

And you know what that means - Mama's overtired and getting C.  R.  A.  N.  K.  Y.

Oldest
Last night Oldest really, and I mean really, showed herself at gymnastics.  No less than THREE times she took off (much like a toddler) to do a running jump into the pit, with the teacher calling, "Miss Oldest, Miss Oldest - it's not time for the pit.  Come back to class and participate!"  Which she would, AFTER she did what she'd decided to do.  In her defense, her friend was doing the same thing and sometimes peer pressure is a great motivator.  It's also a great teaching  moment for a parent.

Tough Love
So in keeping with my March resolution to NOT YELL (which SOMEONE needs to give me a cookie for being able to keep from it yesterday), we're having ourselves a little tough love 'round these here parts.

Cry It Out for Youngest and Grounding for Oldest.
Youngest is 2.5 years old - which is plenty old enough to sleep all night without a little pat, cuddle, re-tuck, drink, or question anywhere from midnight to 5am.  And I'm never going to reach a state of semi-rest if I'm catering to her.  And if I'm catering to her and therefore tired, I'm WAY more likely to yell during the day.  Because I'm mad at myself for this going on so long and because I'm TIRED.

Oldest?  This isn't new.  Sometimes she really has to stretch the boundaries of behavior to remember what her privileges are.  Don't all kids?  She's going to choose from a menu of consequences when she wakes up.  She will need to choose two items and most items last three days (for 3 times of not listening in class).  Things like no dessert for 3 days, no computer for 3 days, sitting out the last class, not taking gymnastics in the spring, going to bed early for 3 days (I'm kind of hoping for that one).

Seem harsh for either one of them?  Not really - if there's one truth I'm learning in my own project - sometimes to get happy, you have to get through some unhappy first.  And that's going to be for all of us for the next few days.

**Special Note:  As I finish this, it's 6:30am.  Youngest USED to sleep until 7:30/8am, but is right now up there starting to call out.  This is MY time - one of the few times a day someone else isn't asking for something from me.  Her waking up strengthens my resolve that IT IS TIME.

What about you?  What tough love have you done recently?  And what does it take to get you past "minor consequences" to the tough love stage?

Happiness and March - It's all about the Kids

Have you started your own happiness project?  Have you read Gretchen Rubin's book?  It's never too late to start.  Head over to her blog and read all about it.  

This month is "Kid Month." Spring is coming, Winter is ending (HOPEFULLY), Spring Break is a few short weeks away.  And March is Oldest's birthday month.  March is a month that changed my life forever with her screaming smiling arrival.  As I'm sure you'll get tired of seeing see this month, I get quite nostalgic about how she changed our lives that March.  

So that makes it the perfect month to focus on my children.  Appreciate them more.  Love them more openly. Yell less never.  Read some parenting books.  

My resolutions for March:

1. NO YELLING.  Seriously, talk about one of my greatest sources of unhappiness - yelling at the kids.  And it's so reactive, so knee-jerk.  I hate that I do it.  I feel terrible after I've done it.  And even though I'm afraid my head might explode this month keeping from it, I'm NOT YELLING.  I have a game plan - counting, leaving the room, finding my happy place. 
2. Read two books - Siblings Without Rivalry and Best Friends, Worst Enemies.  
3. Finish our family mission statement.
4. Have family meetings on Sundays and a family night one weekend night.
5. Polite night at Sunday dinner.  Like over-the-top polite to make it more fun.
6. Buy scrapbooking software.  I have to face facts that I'm not going to do it by hand  - I'm about 4 years behind.  Online photo albums from here forward - anyone have advice on getting hard copy pictures, awards, etc memorialized?
7. Listen.  Reframe.  Believe their feelings.  I borrowed this one from Gretchen.  And if I remember correctly, this is from the same authors of Siblings without Rivalry - Faber and Mazlish.  It's so easy to brush aside the very real feelings of a child, but my relationship with them will be much better if I can truly listen and believe the feelings behind the words.  
8. Virtually TV free for the whole month (yes, this is our Lent promise, but I think it dovetails nicely into a month of focus for the kids, don't you?).  By virtually, I mean they get one show a day - between them.

So there you have it.  Any thoughts?  Tips?  Does anyone out there succeed at not yelling at their kids ever?  If so, what's your secret?  Will it count if I call it "talking emphatically" like my mom used to say?  

Me:  Stop yelling at me!

My Mom:  I'm NOT yelling, I'm talking EMPHATICALLY.  

Me:  Oh.  There's a difference?  (That one was in my head - BUT I knew when to shut it - something Oldest hasn't grasped yet - hence the need for Resolution #1).

Next week on My Happiness Project?  February's tally.  

Happiness took a hit last week

Monday is Happiness Project Day - inspired by Gretchen Rubin, her book and website called the Happiness Project.  Not only do I recommend her book, but I love her blog as well.  Very inspiring.

As today's titles suggests, I hit some bumps, struggled  failed miserably for parts of last week.  There were a couple of days where I would literally snarl with rage over challenges I faced.  Challenges that were legitimately frustrating, but I'd handled similar situations in January just fine, so what gave out last week?  Examples include:

1. The Puppy's continued house training accidents.
2. Youngest not napping enough, or at all.
3. Youngest not eating or drinking to the point of "near dehydration."  Funny how fear can manifest as rage, isn't it?
4. Having a long, difficult decision making meeting, where some people left unhappy.
5. Oldest having to stay home from school sick on the first day I had to myself get "stuff" done.

So if these are issues I handled just fine last month, why did I give way to unhappiness last week?  The answer, in retrospect, is easy.  I put aside at least 4 of Missy's Maxims and allowed myself to get swept away by fear, resentment, frustration and fatigue.  I broke these:

1. Proactive, not reactive.
2. BE in the moment.
3. STAR - Stop, Think, Act Right.
4. Practice patience.

I can cut myself a little slack (remembering my maxim to strive for betterment, not perfection) and recognize that really sick kids are stressful, not getting anything accomplished in your life for almost a week is really stressful and the world continuing to operate regardless of your need to STOP for awhile is stressful as well.

For a few nights I went to bed saying, "Please let tomorrow be better."  Then it wasn't (worse actually) and I felt more and more helpless with my escalating reactions to life's general annoyances.  Until Wednesday night, when I went to bed saying, "Tomorrow WILL be better.  I am the one who can make it so."  And . . . it was.  Considerably.  

I learned a couple of things about myself this week, integral to my happiness for this project:

1. When I'm not accomplishing, I get increasingly frustrated and angry until I can "right" it.
2. Being proactive, rather than reactive, might be the single most important maxim on my list.  

One final note.  Some of you may (or may not!) be wondering how I "scored" in January's resolutions.  Out of 31 days:

1. Food diary and exercise - I kept the food diary 29/31 days and I averaged 5 days per week on exercising.  I lost 9 pounds.  Met that goal splendidly.  We were also supposed to eat in 4x/week and we did, which is a little boring, but does save money.
2. Skin care nightly - I did this 23/31 times.  Pretty good.
3. Putting the dishes in the dishwasher nightly - 28/31 times - score!
4. IBBE - In bed by eleven nightly - 20/31 times.  Definitely needs improvement - because I'm still tired!  For February I've moved the bedtime back to 10:45pm nightly.  Ugh.  

So that's January.  How did you do?   


And let me know - what do you do when you get off track - when you allow life to control you, rather than controlling your response to life?  

Here's to a happier week for all!  

Super Sunday Series - Cycles

Welcome, Super Sunday Series readers!  If you are new, the Super Sunday Series is where I talk about all "things gifted."  Or if the topic's not an officially "gifted topic," I relate that week's subject to raising your gifted child.  See my introductory post on the Super Sunday Series if you want more background.

This week?  Cycles.


I've had a hard time writing this post all week.  I couldn't find much (ok, any) research on it and you know how I love to rely on research for my Super Sunday Series. 

The only connection I found was in the book Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children.  The discussion related to how mood cyles in gifted children can be mistaken for Bi-Polar Disorder.  Yikes - wouldn't that be a horrible, horrible misdiagnosis to make?

Cylcles happen with Oldest seasonally.  She will start a downward spiral, often unable to pull herself out of it until she gets in some kind of major trouble.  In some ways, I think this is just an extension of transitions, and maybe it's the long term result of a major transition.  Because it occurs so far away from the original transition, however, it doesn't feel connected.

The downward spiral manifests itself by worsening and worsening behavior, with eventually a day so bad, where she's so rude, so extreme, that I feel like my only choices are to send her to the circus or do something drastic at home. 

She's cycling down right now, as a matter of fact.  I wrote about it Monday.  Hints I have that she's on the downward trend are extreme overreations (like accusing Youngest of name calling her when she calls her by her nickname), inability to control herself (like throwing a cup at me in the car Monday) or being over the top silly (to the point where you can't even communicate with her - like I start talking and she starts quacking or something.  I GET that she's sending the message that she doesn't want to hear what I have to say, but really, sometimes that's what life's about - having to listen when you don't want to).

Interestingly, when she's on an upcycle, she's completely unstoppable.  Completely.  In a good way.  Oh!  Wow - epiphany #1 - it's the same as when she's on a downcycle - just as unstoppable.  It's just so much more painful. 

So what happens when she reaches a day of such atrocious behavior that my only alternative is to ban major privileges?  That usually turns her around.  And the discipline is usually the triple strike - no computer, tv or dessert for a week.  That's where she lives - taking those away, especially together, have a major impact. 

When does she cycle?  As I said above, seasonally:

1. Fall - about 6 weeks after school starts
2. Winter - in the month of January - after Christmas vacation
3. Spring - usually May - during the last two weeks of school
4. Summer - mid-August - about two weeks before school starts

And as I wrote these notes Friday night - it hit me right in the face.  Epiphany #2.  School's the connection.  Her cycling into poor behavior is connected to her anxiety over school starting or ending.  Looking at it now, in print, it seems so obvious, and it makes me feel completely obtuse to not have noticed the connection before this post.

How sad for her that school creates that much anxiety and stress for her.  How sad for her that we haven't given her the tools yet to stop it before it wreaks havoc on her existence. 

I would love to know if other people have this issue with their gifteds.  If so, what do you do?  I'm so sad for her right now because she is really struggling.  At the same time, however, I can't abide the poor attitude, barely controlled anger and the extreme reactions to things.  We are a family and I have a home to run, the world can't revolve around her emotions, right? 

I planned this post to hit at a time when I thought a cycle might be occurring so I could accurately reflect my feelings.  And I've got one.  And how does it make me feel as a parent?  Awful, like I can't parent her right.  Like I am failing her.  This week has been one of those weeks where I wonder (overwhelming evidence notwithstanding) if she can even be gifted because her emotions are so out of whack.   

Sometimes these Super Sunday posts are painful for me.  It hurts to dredge up emotions you feel toward your child, whom you love unconditionally.  But today's, while saddening, is also hopeful.  Through the writing itself, I discovered something new about her and that's powerful for me.  It means I can help her find the right path now.  Thank goodness. 

What will you see the rest of the month on the Super Sunday Series?  Friendship.  That, dear readers, seems to be at the heart of her current struggles.  I think I have three week's worth of material about it.  If not, we'll adjust, don't worry!  I'm flexible that way (sometimes).

Much love.

Super Sunday Series - Looking Backward and Forward - All in One Post!

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - a little place where I talk about the terminology and educational aspects of raising gifted children and how it translates into day to day living with your gifted child(ren).  I'm SO excited for 2010 and what I have planned for the Series.  This week, however, I'm buying myself a little time to plan. 

I've put handy links to all of the 2009 Super Sunday Series posts this week, with subjects, in one handy place today, for your ease of handy reference.  No thanks necessary.  Just become a follower or subscribe to my RSS and we'll share the love that way.  Thanks.  Can't you just feel the love already?

Check it out and within each link you will find all of the references I've used, because Heaven knows I didn't come up with all of this intellectualism all by myself:

Birth of the Super Sunday Series - where I introduced the SSS.  Hence the zany birth reference in the title.

Why we IQ tested so young (not Super Sunday, but relevant) - Look for SSS this year with more information about IQ testing, including the importance of not thinking it's too important. 
IQ - Part I
IQ - Part II

Traits of the Gifted Child - It's a laundry list and it's not comprehensive, but it does get you started.
Verbal Skills, Curiosity and Memory - Where I delve a little deeper into these traits common to the gifted child.
Perfectionism - I - Perfectionism can be painful and difficult, especially when practically every member of your family suffers from it.  Part One of Two.
Perfectionism - II - Tips for keeping the ravaging claws of perfectionism at bay.  Part Two of Two. 
Asynchronous Development - One of the fascinating aspects of gifted to me - it's kinda like having a college major - at 5.  You are very strong in certain areas, but not across the board.


Overexcitabilities - Gifteds seem to be predisposed to overexcitabilities in one or more areas.  You can find an exploration of all of them below.  Once I started understanding these, life in our house started getting so much more manageable.

Sensual
Emotional
Imaginational
Psycho-Motor
Intellectual


Holidays and Your Gifted Child - Where I advised you on surviving the holidays with as much fun and as little upheaval as possible.  Then I didn't follow any of my own advice! 

Routine
Transitions
Sleep
Nutrition

The rest of 2010's Super Sunday Series will be more informative - I hope!  I have the whole year planned out, without an order yet, I'm still working out those kinks.  And if you have something you want to hear about, place an order!  I'm totally open to talking to you about what YOU want to hear, not just what I want to wax philosophic about.

Next week in the Series - cycles.  Do you have them?  Not THOSE - does your gifted child cycle through various behavior patterns on a regular basis?  I'll let you know what they're like here and then you can tell me. 

Tomorrow?  My own personal Happiness Project for 2010.  Can't WAIT!

Super Sunday Series - Holidays and Transitions

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series, where this month we're talkin' about the The Basics of Holiday Survival (say it with an echo to herald its importance).  The last two weeks dealt with those basic necessities in life, eating and sleeping.  Next week, it's all about routines.  This week - transitions.  Ohhhh, I shudder just saying it aloud.  It's one of our "hot buttons" here at Casa Fun. 

Practically everything around the holidays involves transitions.  It's no wonder they both stress me out a little bit.   

Interestingly, I don't find much on transitions in my gifted "go to" books.  I first learned the word transition (I'd been experiencing its impact for years with Oldest, but had no name for it) from Oldest's first teacher.  Amazing woman - see my Stone Soup entry.  She said to Husband and I, "Oldest has some challenges with transitions.  This is something that you are going to need to work on with her." 

Whoosh - in one ear, out the next.  Didn't really register until a couple of years later when someone mentioned the book Raising Your Spirited Child as a life saver to them.  The book has an entire chapter devoted to transitions.  According to the author, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, “A transition is a change or passage, from one place, action, mood, topic or thing to another.”  Page 137. For us, no matter how large or small, transitions were a battle. And they were exhausting.   In the early days it was something as simple as going from one task to another, turning off a TV show, getting out of the house, out of the bathtub, out of the car, out of a playdate.  And when I say "battle," I mean B-A-T-T-L-E.  One summer I took her to see Cars in the movie theatre and had to carry her to the car afterward, trying to hit me the whole way, because she "didn't want to leave."  Classic transition difficulty.  Because it wasn't that she didn't want to leave, it was that she couldn't emotionally do it at the time. 


Transitioning Oldest into and out of school from a long break has always been painful. Less so now that she’s older and we know what we’re dealing with. Thankfully.  We’ve been able to give her some coping mechanisms to minimize the challenges.  Spirited Child lists the following suggestions to help your transitionally challenged child.  These can be found, in depth, on pages 138-147 of Kurcinka's book.  I've added my own spin on them, holiday style, next to each suggestion.  Consider it my holiday gift to the adoring fans. 

1. Using Words.  I call these the buzzwords (I know, I know, I should be copyrighting these monikers for their uniqueness!).  I have a little repertoire of phrases and sentences that I've developed over the years to remind Oldest a transition is coming.  So, for example, during the holidays, we'll start talking about school going back in session at least three days before.  "Remember, in three days, you go back to school," talk about the routine and what that means, etc.  Kurcinka states, "[a]s you point out to your child the transitions in her life she will begin to look for them herself.  Gradually her confidence and ability to cope will increase."  Page 138.   I have seen this with Oldest over the years.  Years, people, not months.  It takes a loooonnnnnng time to learn to manage transitions. 
2. Establish a Routine.  I'll focus on this next week, getting back to the routine, that is.  During the holidays, though, try to make the routine as close to "normal" as possible.  Which means trying to stick to sleep schedules and eating regularly, not overdosing them on TV or computer if you find that they get a little wacky with too much of it. 
3. Allow Time.  Kurcinka says that "every five minutes spent in prevention saves you fifteen minutes of turmoil."  Page 140.  Completely true here.  Even now, rushing = big problem.  It just needs to be built into the schedule, you don't have to allow hours upon hours.  Words, combined with a little extra time, can work wonders.  Youngest, who doesn't have nearly the transition issues Oldest has, did very well transitioning to Santa this year, after some hairy moments last year.  Instead of just throwing her on his lap, we discussed him in advance, waved to him and discussed him some more while in line and voila - no tears when it came her turn.  Plus I sat with her, of course.  But the book points this out about holiday gatherings with families - ask relatives to give your child a few minutes to warm up and hang out with mom or dad before being expected to give hugs and make conversation.  
4. Forewarning is Critical.  This has been a lifesaver for us over the years.  I usually use "5,3,1."  I tell her when she has 5 minutes, then 3 minutes, then 1 minute before leaving somewhere.  I tell her before even turning on a show if we don't have time for the whole thing - after many meltdowns when she was younger.  Kurcinka states that the "timing of forewarnings is important.  Some kids need to be told hours, days, even weeks in advance what they will be doing."  Page 141.  This gives them time to process and ask questions.  Youngest is going through that right now with our pending airplane trip.  We're having daily conversations about what to expect at the airport.  One year I made a map for Oldest (I should find that thing!) giving her a visual guide of all of the transitions through the airport.  This was after a partcularly harrowing year trying to get through the metal detector in one piece.  It showed pictures of the bus ride to the airport, the check-in (including taking our bags away), stopping for breakfast, the metal detector (including a pic of Teddy riding through the conveyor alone), the line for boarding the airplane, the steps up the airplane, the works.  From that year on, we had very little airport transitional trouble.  Because Oldest just followed the map.  Thanks, Dora! 
5. Allow Time for Closure.  I struggle with this one.  It often feels to me like I'm catering to her.  But because Oldest has so much trouble leaving something mid-task, I try to build in the expectation as well.  If, say, we're leaving in 10 minutes for church and she decides she wants to go online and study the Theory of Relativity (kidding, but you know what I mean - do something that will take longer than 10 minutes), I tell her she has to pick something different.  And if she's close to completion of something, I let her do it.  Mostly. 
6. Use Imagination.  This is pure genius.  It seems silly, but it's magic.  Magic, I say!  Right now, Youngest's doll can get her to transition to anything!  I'll put on my best baby voice, pick up the doll and say, "Hey Youngest?"  At which point she gets this face - expectant, hopeful, anticipatory. 

Then baby says, "will you take me to the potty with you?"  Or whatever she's balking at at the moment (she's 2, you know, lotsa balking these days).  She is usually nodding and racing to whatever baby's "invited" her to do before I'm even finished with the sentence.  Magic, I tell you.  Try it.  It worked with Oldest until she was, like, 5.  Seriously. 
7. Limit the Number of Transitions.  Well, yeah.  It seems like common sense, but you have noooo idea how many times I tried to take Oldest on "errand day," (including things like dry cleaner, grocery, bank, post office) until I made the connection that she was always, always falling apart by the last three.  Kurcinka talks about the real importance of this during the holidays and makes the point that sometimes you will have to say no to an invitation or at least make sure you take two cars so that if your transitionally challenged child has had enough, you can make a subtle exit. 
8. Help Them Deal with Disappointment.  Kurcinka talks about how hard disappointment, a change in plans or unexpected surprise can hit a child who has trouble with transitions.  "They experience a rush of emotions that easily overwhelms them."  Page 146.  I'd say!  Oldest still has trouble with this, though it's much better now.  Kurcinka suggests, and I have found this essential also, that when major disappointment hits, your child will need to release it somehow.  I have actually started saying things to Oldest like, "Ok, I know this is really upsetting, but you must keep it together now.  You can fall apart when we get to the house/car/someplace a little more private."  It helps.  A few years ago, though, it may not have worked so much.  I think the holidays, for all of their magic for children, can also be filled with disappointment.  Their expectations get raised so high and for a gifted child, sometimes one small change to an expectation can mean a major, devastating disappointment.  I've berated myself over the years for not anticipating various and sundry disappointment possibilities for Oldest and therefore not preparing her for it in advance.  But the truth is, she does need to learn about unexpected change and she does need to learn to cope with it.  Hopefully as the years go on, her coping skills will just get better and better.
9. Working Together.   Remember to thank your child for "keeping it together."  Not in an ingratiating way.  Be sincere.  Really mean it when you say, "I am so pleased with how you made good choices today.  I hope you are proud of yourself as well."  Because they should be - it's just as hard for them to have transition trouble as it is for you, their parent. 

Holidays and transition aren't easy for any of us, really.  If you think of how much the holidays wear on you as an adult, is it any wonder our children fall apart one or multiple times throughout the "most wonderful time of year?"  They are little people who haven't had years to hone their coping skills, they are still learning.  It's up to us to help them and to remember to make good choices for them, not trying to do it all at the expense of their (and our) mental health. 

Does your gifted child have transition trouble?  Do you have any advice to share? 

Good luck this coming week and have fun!  Next week's Super Sunday Series is about routine - getting back to it after the carefree days of a holiday break. 

Tomorrow?  True Christmas spirit, as exhibited by my children.

The Ebb and Flow of Oldest's Emotions

As with many gifted children, Oldest often cycles through being totally on top of her game or in the alternative, being at the bottom of the barrel.

I am planning an extensive Super Sunday Series on what I've learned about these cycles (coming this Fall to a Blog near you), but 1) must refresh myself on it and 2) must finish those very exciting overexcitabilities.  Week 3 is emotional overexcitability, which can strike fear in even the most hardy of parents.  Look for it Sunday.

But I digress.  Back to Oldest, and her current ebb.  She's struggling right now.  To get the proper visual, let's say the barrel's just been emptied of horse manure and she's stuck mucking it out.  Alone.  In cold weather.  Yes, that's right.  She's on scrubbing the bottom of the barrel this week. 

I am sad for her even while she is exasperating the hell out of me.  One of the things I find so hard about the school age years is that you (ok, me) never know what kind of trauma (drama?) is happening to your gifted child (or any child for that matter) while at school.  You don't know that she:

1. only got 3 things done on her work plan
2. lost recess time for "goofing off during the work cycle"
3. lost extra recess time for laughing at someone in circle time
4. got a cut that required (gasp and shock!) a bandaid
5. got jostled out of line by someone in gym class
6. was told by another friend that they are no longer friends after she tried to jostle her way back in.

Until she starts bawling, and I mean BAWLING over eating a lousy carrot.  Even after saying, "Oldest, this reaction seems a little extreme for not wanting to eat a carrot, is something else going on today?"  You only get the above information in little bits and pieces, one thing at a time, so that when you've asked her to get her legs back under the table for the 5th time in 15 minutes (rather than dangling them over the arm of the chair) and maybe you say it the last time a little more loudly than the first 4 times (ok, the neighbors could definitely hear it), you're even more suprised by the reaction of:

1. I am the worst person EVER!
2. No one calls me cute, only Youngest!  It's so NOT FAIR!

But then you pull your still cute Oldest onto your lap and she finally pours out all of the tears she's been holding inside all day.  After it's over, you tell her a little secret.  People don't call her cute anymore, they call her beautiful, smart, witty and kind.  But because she's 7, they don't say it to her, they say it to Mommy instead. 

And that the other secret is this - all of the things that people think are cutest in Youngest (like pulling down her pants at Panera to show a table of strangers her new Elmo underpants - really happened, could I make that up?), will become "no longer cute" in the not too distant future. 

And the final secret?  Cute's not what you want to be.  Neither is beautiful on the outside only.  It's the inside that counts.  I PRAY that she's learning that from us in this beauty and material driven society.  And I PRAY that I'm learning to let her fail enough to change the failures herself, and not blame others or want someone to fix it for her.  But it's soooooo hard.

And what the heck?  Didn't I just say yesterday that I have a super busy week?   That's always when this kind of thing goes on, isn't it?  I guess it's God's way of evening out our "practically perfect in every way" vacation week last week. 

Sigh.  We'll get through it.  We'll get through it.  We'll get through it.

The Teetering Update

So yesterday was when my parents left.  Usually I don't see much fallout on the day they leave.  But yesterday it was ALL ME who had the fallout. 

I decided to use a shortcut to the girls' gymnastics class.  Last night was the first night.  I chose the wrong way and got us lost to the tune of a 20 minute detour.  At the beginning, who was falling apart?  No one.  I was in control.  We were going to make it.  The girls were none-the-wiser.  Just holding hands in the back seat singing (alternating) Our Lady Peace and O.A.R.  How cute is that?

I started realizing my folly pretty early in the game (ie: I overestimated my ability to get us from point A to point B too easily).  We were not coming from home.  We were coming from an appointment and I had it totally worked out in my head how to get there.  It was going to be no problem.

The PROBLEM, I discovered, was that I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO GET THERE FROM WHERE WE WERE.  I tried, and I DID get us there, but there were about 30 minutes of OMG, WHERE ARE WE, CHRIMINY WHAT HAVE I DONE moments. 

The kids handled it well until LITERALLY, the last 2 minutes.  I mean, seriously, do you have to freak out when we're there?  What about Mommy's freak out the previous 30 minutes?   You know it, moms, the silent freak out you do when you don't want your kids to know?  The freak out you try to hide but your tension fills the car?  Oh, is that just me?  Sorry. 

Being lost AND not on time is quite possibly my biggest personal life nightmare (aside from the obvious family catastrophies I won't go into here). 

So, you are wondering how the last two minutes went? 

Oldest started bawling and hyperventilating over our late-ness (15 minutes), mostly because Youngest kept saying (I kid you not - 20 times at least), "Oldest, are we at dimdastics yet?"  It was funny until Oldest started moaning in the backseat and begging her to STOP because she was going to DIE if she heard it one more time. 

Of course, as it's always the case when Mommy's held it together over major trauma (getting lost in your own town certainly fits THAT), I ended up saying in a not-so-normal tone of voice, "DO YOU WANT MOMMY TO START SCREAMING WHEN WE ARE LITERALLY TWO MINUTES AWAY, I MEAN I CAN SEE THE PLACE, CAN'T WE ALL KEEP FROM LOSING IT NOW?"

Which begs the question that maybe MOMMY was losing it, I know. 

But, we made it in one piece.  15 minutes late, which makes me C-R-A-Z-Y.  I can't stand being late.  Hmmmm.  I wonder where Oldest gets her standards?  Just one of life's little mysteries.  ;)

And they L-O-V-E-D it.  Seriously.  They think gymnastics (dimdastics) is the best thing that ever happened to both of them.


Ahhhhhhhhh.  Some days it all works out. Eventually.

She's teetering

My parents are visiting right now.  They leave tomorrow.  So far, we have had a very pleasant visit all around.  I'm just dreading Wednesday, because it takes about 24 hours for Oldest to go all whacky for a day or so after a visit. 

This just happened over Labor Day with my in-laws.  They visited, staying two nights.  It couldn't have gone better.  Except for staying up too late chatting with my mother-in-law (apparently all of my husband's family share his night owlish tendencies).  They left Monday morning right after breakfast and Tuesday morning, RIGHT after breakfast, Oldest totally fell apart. 

I'm talking full scale short circuit.  It was ugly, I can't even get into the details.  But after I spent some not so proud moments haranguing her, she said,

"Mommy, I don't know what's wrong with me.  I just can't think today.  Having Grandma and Grandpa here was so fun and I got to wake up to them for two mornings and this morning they were gone.  So I feel all kooky and weird about that and it's making me mess up at everything.  I wish I could make it stop."

Well, talk about stopping an angry mommy in her tracks.  How SAD that transitions still do this to her after everything we've worked on to help her through them.  Is there ever going to come a time when she can manage them fully?  I felt so badly for her and was so mad at myself after this talk.  She truly, accurately assessed her feelings and why she was having them and I was so wrapped up in her crazy behavior that I forgot that she might be going through the "post visit transition."

Truthfully, though, she'd never really had it with my in-laws.  But she's definitely gone through this with MY parents - practically every time.

So I'm ready this visit.  24 hours after my parents leave tomorrow - I'm ready for the meltdown.  And we're going to make it through together.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Shut Up! You Lie!

Riding on the heels of my Mother of the Year post from Sunday night, here is an article about public outbursts. 

If you click on the title of this post, you will see this article that ran on the front page of the Columbus Dispatch today, stating that it is becoming "in vogue" to make public outbursts.  I am so sorry, I am still trying to figure out how to insert links in my posts.  Soon! 

To briefly recap, in case it's possible anyone's missed the furor:

U.S. Rep Joe Wilson yelled "You lie!" to the President during last week's speech to Congress about health care reform.

Serena Williams threatened a line judge on his foot fault call during her Saturday semi-final match.

Kanye West took the microphone from Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech at the VMA awards Sunday to say Beyonce is the one who deserved to win the award in question. 

Among other things, the article blames a "stressed out society," instant gratification, and not seeing rude behavior being addressed, therefore leading to more rude behavior as some of the reasons for why we are seeing more and more people, public or otherwise, not exert self-control in public.

Does anyone think this sounds like parenting?  Maybe not "stressed out society" so much, but instant gratification and modelling good behavior, while at the same time showing consequences for poor choices, sounds an awful lot like the lessons I try to teach my children.  Every day.  Painfully. 

But the reason I stick with it is because IT IS NOT OK TO ACT LIKE A CHILD EVEN WHEN YOU ARE A CHILD, LET ALONE WHEN YOU ARE AN ADULT AND ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE A PUBLIC FIGURE. 

With children we expect this kind of behavior -  the only ways kids learn to show civility, respect and (hopefully) delayed gratification is to have it taught to them.  We expect them to try and fail many times before they get this right.  We expect them to sometimes not even try because the only way they can know if we, their parents, are serious is to TEST US.  We expect it to take a long time because learning isn't a light switch in our children, it is a years long process of gradually, slowly learning right from wrong.

And for heaven's sake, how can they learn this when everywhere they turn there are ADULTS unable to control themselves in public?  On TV and even glamorized because people keep talking about it!  And really - what are the consequences for these public figures? 

Nothing immediate, nothing swift - which is what all of the parenting advice tells you.  When your really young child hits, bites, pushes, they should go into a time out at minimum.  When your older children lie, cheat, steal, disrespect authority, there should be immediate consequences as well. 

When Oldest is disrepectful to me or another adult, she gets something she cares about taken away from her (TV, computer, the dreaded DESSERT).  And if it's in public?  I double whatever it would have been.

She really acted out at the Brownie's end of year celebration last Spring.  Every time she glanced my way, I would do the cutting motion across my neck, which is our code for "cut it out."  I would bug my eyes out and mouth STOP.  I would shake my head at her.  Nothing registered.  Clucking like a chicken, rolling around on the floor, yelling at a friend, interrupting the Scout leaders, a LOT of completely unacceptable behavior.  I was SOOOOO angry with her, I couldn't even speak for an hour.  I had to send her to her room because I was so afraid of saying something truly damaging.  During that time, I made a list of all of the things I planned to enforce.  The worst was that I banned dessert for a week and we had 1) the end of school ice cream social and 2) our church festival the next day.  So she couldn't have dessert at either of those. 

But you know what?  She wasn't even that upset, she knew she had been completely out of bounds and didn't once try to change my mind, complain or mope about it (it might have helped that I told her I would double everything if she did any of that). 

So what would I do if these three public figures were actually MY children and were young enough to be treated like children?

Joe Wilson - I would have removed him from the audience.  I certainly wouldn't have let him sit there checking the public reaction on his blackberry for the rest of the night.  I would also make him write a letter of apology to the President.  And publish it.  He IS a public figure, after all.

Serena Williams - I would have fully expected the referees/judge to remove her from that game and if they wouldn't have done this, then I, as her parent, wouldn't have let her play in her other match the following(?) day.  Isn't good sportsmanship one of the first lessons you learn in sports? 

Kanye West - I would have removed him from the stage as well.  I would have made him apologize to Taylor Swift - on TV.  Sincerely.  And he would not be allowed back to announce at any award shows for a specified amount of time. 

I mean, really, aren't these just glorified temper tantrums these people have engaged in?  Didn't they all deserve a little time out?  I think yes.

So why am I so upset about the public outbursts from these three?  Because if I'm willing to enforce such consequences AND expect better behavior than what they displayed from my CHILD, then we as a sociey need to expect better behavior from our public figures.  Because if we don't, then I believe our society is in real trouble.  And our kids don't have a chance.  No matter how hard we try. 

That's why I keep MY outbursts behind closed doors.  ;)  No, seriously, we all WANT to have little outbursts every now and then.  And sometimes we do.  But we just shouldn't - we're adults.  We were supposed to learn this throughout our childhood.   And public figures must be held to the same standards. 

I would love your thoughts.  Good, bad, ugly.  Unfollow if you have to, I can take it.  Part of being a parent is making the unpopular decision and sticking with it in the face of dissent.  :)

BANNED WORD LIST

We were having a hard time with potty language last winter, so we all sat around the table making the following list of FAMILY BANNED WORDS.  Husband asked me to take it down before a party this summer but I forgot (which helps him learn that if it's important to him, please do it yourself!).  EVERY parent, separately mind you, came to me to say how much they liked it, especially the ones written by Oldest.  Were they mocking us?  Hard to tell.  Here it is, may it inspire you to come up with your own BANNED WORD list:

1. Booty
2. Fart
3. Weiner (written by Oldest)
4. Butt (or derivatives)
5. Pooper (Oldest) or poop or poopy
6. Stupid (same thing as Dumb - written by Oldest)
7. Fat
8. Hate or Bad Person (written by Oldest - so cute!)
9. Any 4 letter word that rhymes with duck
10. Pee (Oldest)
11. Tooterhead (Oldest)
12. Poopy Butt (Oldest)
13. Weiner Belly (Oldest)

You can see that it was degenerating by the end and truth be told, Husband and I were having our own challenges keeping a straight face once Tooterhead and Weiner Belly got thrown into the mix. 

So what's the consequence for this kind of thing here?  A time out lasting as long as your age.  Maybe I'll throw a COUPLE out one day soon and get myself a SEVENTY SIX minute time out, go take a little nap.  ;)