Learning the Unspoken Rules

Do you have trouble communicating the unspoken rules of life to your child?

Both of my children like to "pick our seats" when we eat at places like Chipotle and Panera.  Places where I can order and watch them at the same time.  Oldest almost always picks the seat closest to where other people are sitting.  Sunday afternoon, for example, Chipotle was empty but for one side table of 3 teenage boys.  Where did Oldest pick?  The side table right next to the teenage boys, of course. 

Then when I said, "Oldest, pick somewhere different," I was met with "Why?  This is my favorite table!"

All did not end in a tantrum, as it would have 3-4 years ago, and I am very thankful for that! 

But when we sat down and I tried to explain the empty room and how it just wasn't right to sit right next to other people, I was met with a blank stare and this response:  "Yeah, but, why wouldn't I want to sit next to them?  I can talk to them or listen to them if we're closer." 

Well, yeah. 

I had to tell her that this was one of life's Great Unspoken Rules - you just have to do it even if doesn't make sense.  She didn't get it.

What about you?  What unspoken rules have you had to teach your children?  How did you do it?  Any funny stories to go along with it? 

Teaching Children Appropriate Gas Passing is Like . . .

Herding cats.

At what age do you start putting the smack down on kids for belching or passing wind any and every time the need arises?  Loudly.  And falling into fits of laughter with each other over their abilities?  In public?

I'm starting with Oldest because, frankly, her belching is becoming quite unladylike.  Picture this 8 year old girl, opening her mouth and letting rip with a "BRAWRP" that is so manly, for a minute I think Husband's at home (this being April 14th, however, we haven't seen him in days - LOVE tax day week).

Actually, that picture looks like her face right after she's done it, which usually consists of this:

"Oldest!  PLEASE!  We're in public!"
"What?  I can't help it?  Besides it's funny."
"Lots of inappropriate things are funny.  Doesn't mean you should do them in public."

Hit rewind, then play multiple times and you have our conversation every single time it happens.  Combine that with the "pull my finger" fun she picked up in Florida and I have a regular 8 year old on my hands, I'm sure.

So Wednesday evening at dinner (Chipotle), Youngest kept spilling EVERYTHING, and Oldest kept burping - loudly.  Even the din of Chipotle wasn't dimming the noise.  So I picked that moment to snap.

"Oldest, this isn't what ladies do."

"I'm not a lady."

"You are a young lady, it's disgusting and it's got to stop."

"Mom, first of all - I'm half boy/half girl.  Second, I can't help it.  They come out so fast, I just can't stop them."

"Well, I can tell by the way you're pushing them out that you're doing it on purpose.  Try to do it with your mouth closed, then push that air out, but not the sound.  Besides, you are all girl, period.  No boy in you."

"What happens if I stop doing it totally?  And I am half boy, you know."

"You'll explode.  No, honey, I'm quite certain that you are 100% girl.  If you want to call yourself a tomboy, that's one thing."

"What do you mean, I'll explode?  Get mad, like you did just now when you said (whispered) 'Shit' when Youngest spilled her black beans everywhere?  Daddy says that when he's driving, you know.  And I really don't want to see this whole family starting to talk like that, Mommy."

"Ok, got it.  I will not say that word anymore when Youngest spills an entire cup of black beans onto a mesh chair, then smooshes them in while I'm trying to clean them up.  And your whole body would explode if you stopped passing gas, that's why it's important to do it, just not the way you have been."


A few minutes later:
"WOW!  I just burped with my mouth closed, Mom, and it totally worked!  Does this mean I can never burp again the 'fun way?'"

"Great honey!  And you can still burp the fun way at home, but there are certain things we just don't do in public, around PEOPLE.  Have you ever heard Mommy do these things in public?"

"No."

Feeling proud of myself, we finish dinner and head to the car.  When we get in and close the door:

"Youngest, quick!  Pull my finger!"

"Oh, OK Oldest.  That's fun.  That's so fun when I pull your finger."

Blinding Envy

The other day in Panera Bread, I saw a woman walking to her seat with 3 catalogs, her lunch tray, and nothing else.  No friends, no kids, no "stuff."  And for a moment, I was blinded with envy at her ability to casually glance through catalogs, while clean, enjoying a leisurely, people free lunch.

I haven't looked at a catalog for months, maybe a year.  I throw them away the moment they come (in the recycling, don't call the Green Police), just so I don't feel the failure of having no time to look.

Later, I thought of three ways to shift my envy -

1 - I could think, "Who needs most of that stuff anyway?"  It's just stuff to covet and make me feel like I'm supposed to keep up with the Joneses.

2 - My catalog time is coming.  All I need to do is look at my mother, who scrutinizes catalogs on my behalf (for the children, of course).  Then gives me the high points over the phone in her quest "for their next present."  It might be 20 years away, but my time is coming.

3- Maybe this woman looked at me with my harried, un-showered (same outfit three days in a row - think I'm making that up?  I am Missy the Unfashionable), no make-up, kids following me, dropping things, spilling their RED drink on the floor, crying over it, etc, etc, etc and said, "if only I could have those days back."  Or "I am so sad I never had days like that."

Or she might have looked at us and thought, "Good thing I'm not her - those kids are ragamuffins and she looks like she hasn't bathed in a week."  Did I mention this was last week during the "spontaneous mid-winter break?"

Because you never know what someone is longing for, right?  Which is a good reason not to take your own blessings (spilled red drink and all) for granted.

Dinner Attitudes

Currently, the good attitudes (for the most part) and sister-sharin' love (for the most part) are on the "happy" end of the spectrum.  I might end up liking Winter after all! 

Well, that's actually impossible, but here's what I mean:

I decided 2010 would be a COLD TURKEY "Momma's fixing one dinner a day" plan.  And so far?  Smashing success.  Check out my post about my nutritional failings to get an idea of the things I do.

And don't misunderstand - I'm not going all APE on the kiddies and making things like LIVER (blech), plus I'm building in days where they get easy "stuff" (like last night was gymnastics, so PB&J was up for ease).  And I might be bribing offering them drinks of my Fresca for every real bite of something new they eat.  And swallow.  But really, who doesn't respond to the siren song of Fresca?  If you don't know the beauty of it, leave me a comment - we need to talk.

But.  Seriously!  Shockingly!  Amazingly!  Astoundingly! 

They are eating new foods and  . . . . OMG . . . finding they LIKE THEM!  Here are new things they've tried since Jan 1st - with raves (and Fresca):

1. Brown Chicken - consomme, lemon, mushrooms
2. Swiss chicken - swiss cheese, stuffing, cream of mushroom soup
3. Chicken Piccata 
4. Lasagna
5. Bacon Spaghetti
6. Paprika Chicken - butter, paprika, garlic

And oddly, they "take" to the new things better when we're eating at the dining room table.   At the kitchen table, there's bellyaching and moaning (which I expected), but as soon as we have "dining room table" night - open minds and experimentation (and Fresca) all around!

Not battling children at the dinner table reduces stress exponentially.  Now I just need to work on Youngest's love of "going to get something from the kitchen" which includes going in there and just standing with her finger in her mouth trying to figure out what she's there to "get."  Maybe she's getting this from her absent minded mother?

Good times, here.