We're Not Deadheads - Why Are We Doing This?

I've had moments where I've said to myself, "What are we thinking - traveling 2000 miles to see a band?"

This is really over-the-top, kind of Grateful Deadhead-like, frankly.

Then we listened to Our Lady Peace's Spritual Machines the other night and said, "Oh, yeah, traveling 2000 miles to see them really isn't that great a stretch after all."

Our Lady Peace intertwines our entire relationship.  They have been with us through defining moments of our lives, their lives parallel ours to a certain extent (in the sense that we've "grown up" with them - we are around the same age), and their lyrics call to us like nothing else we've ever heard.  Probably like the Beatles did for the generation immediately before ours. 

They are, without question, the most underrated band of all time.  And maybe that's good.  I'd be angry to see "plastic people" going around singing their songs without any concept of the depth to the words.

The music they were playing in our late 20's was hard-core, edgy, a little angry.  But when you dug beneath it, what you saw was uncertainty about life.  Who am I?  What am I seeing around me?  Why are things in life so unfair and is there anything to do besides be angry about it? 

Superman's Dead




I remember distinctly when Husband and I were on a road trip and had just left the strangest dinner of all time - a random steakhouse with an odd, odd, cast of characters around the table.  In our hooting and hollering about the hilarity of it, we totally forgot we were almost out of gas until we got 20 minutes down the highway and the "E" light came on.  We still had an hour to drive that night, we were in the mountains, and according to my Triptik (remember those?), there was only one place to stop for gas between where we were and where we needed to go.  Think Deliverance.  And the one gas station?  Completely boarded up and closed.  I got through it (one of my biggest, most irrational fears has always been running out of gas) by singing Clumsy.  More than once:





When Oldest was born and she wouldn't stop crying for months and months and months, it was so difficult.  I questioned so much about my life and whether I could even be a mother.  I eventually had to find a "happy place" to travel to when I paced the halls with her and she wouldn't stop.  That summer, Gravity was released.  When it got really bad, I would sing "Somewhere Out There" to her over and over, because I was so tired and it was the only song I could think of that lasted more than 30 seconds:




If you ever wonder whether your infant absorbs what they hear from you in their first year, take a look at this picture of Oldest singing Somewhere Out There at 3 years, 2 months, at someone's party with her Daddy.  Don't I wish we had a video of it?  She sang every word, right on tempo, all alone.

Their latest album was released in July 2009.  We drove 2.5 hours to see them in August, after winning a meet and greet contest.  So in August of 2009, on Husband's 8th concert and my 7th concert, we attended a sound check, talked with them afterward, took pictures, then came back for the show a couple of hours later.

That trip changed us, bonded us to each other and them even more than some of the others.  We were so worried that they might be jerks in real life and our image would be ruined!  They weren't.  They were so nice and they could have had 100 people to the sound check.  Guess how many they let in?  6!  We had real conversations with them.  We talked about raising kids.  Husband talked to the guitarist about different songs they both know.  I cried (even though I tried so hard not to - I wanted to maintain my "cool" so badly). 

That trip bonded us to each other because we had the chance to spend 5 hours in the car, alone, going to do one of our favorite things.  No TV, computer, chattering kids (who ARE our other favorite thing, you know).  Just quiet and each other. 

So I imagine when we learned they were doing a Canada-only tour of specialized concerts where they would play 2 nights in a row, do a full album set each night, followed by a regular set, it didn't take much thought to decide we were going.

Because really, if there is any way for us to bond, reconnect and reaffirm our love (besides through the children, of course), it's through our love of this band.  To travel halfway across north america to see them on our anniversary actually isn't that big of a stretch at all. 

The concerts will be my 8th and 9th and Husband's 9th and 10th shows. 

Paper Moon, on the latest album Burn, Burn is exactly why they mean as much as they do to us.  When I listen to the lyrics, it makes me say, "YES!  Doesn't everyone feel this way right now?"  If you listen to only one song embedded in this post, make it this one. 





Music has so much power.  It can heal you in so many ways.  Our Lady Peace does that for us.  They make us realize that all of these complex emotions we feel in life are not only OK, but important for growth.  If we didn't feel them, we'd be just going through the motions like many people in life do and that would not be ok. 

You Say it's Your Birthday?

No?  It's actually mine.  

My day is a study in contradictions:

~I want Husband to surprise me, but I already went out and got everything I wanted . . . 
~I want a BREAK FROM MY KIDS!  Except it's my birthday, I want to share it with them . . . 
~I want to feel special, but right now I feel overwhelmed . . . 
~I want to be contacted by all of my friends and family, but don't really want to spend hours on the phone . . . 
~I want a surprise party, but I really don't . . . 
~I want the day to be all about me, but I'm way too old for that . . . 


How can I possibly be pleased with all of those emotions?  This is my last birthday in my 30's, unless I start calling my birthday the "anniversary of my 39th birthday" from now on.  I'm trying to be OK with that.

Tomorrow we're having 20 people over to our house for the weekend to celebrate Oldest's first communion on Saturday.  As luck would have it, 3 other people on Husband's side of the family have birthdays right now too - within about 10 days.  So we're having a 4-way party tomorrow night for all of us (2 adults, 2 kids), then Oldest's day is Saturday, with a party after her communion.  I'm trying to be OK, no HAPPY, about all of this hoopla, when I wouldn't mind just lying in bed all day reading a novel.  And eating cookies.  Iced ones.

So how DO I get past this?  Just appreciate my many blessings, I suppose - a wonderful Husband, healthy, fun kids, my own good health, our annual family birthday dinner to my favorite place, having a good relationship with my parents.  And a hope that the kids don't MAKE ME CRAZY TODAY!  Maybe I need to remove all rules and regulations for them today too.  Cheetos for breakfast?  Sure, it's Mommy's birthday.  Fresca in your lunch box?  Why not - it's Mommy's birthday.  TV all day?  Absolutely, maybe it will give me some time to catch up on my Google Reader.

Everybody needs a break from the responsibilities of life sometimes.  Why not today?

Family Mission: Complete

We did it.  We created Our Family Mission (say it with an echo to herald its importance).

If you recall, the family mission development began when I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families.  I joined an online book club, that I loved for 3 weeks, then had to slack off on due to increased responsibilities around here and decreased time  to accomplish my tasks (something about sick kids and snow storms for an entire month, but I'm SO over it).

But the mission.  The mission!  We kept at it.  Every week we did the next step, whittled down, expanded where necessary, talked, analyzed, giggled.  Because it was a lot of fun!  Family mission development with a Mom, Dad, 7 year old and 2 year old is definitely interesting!

So without further ado, I give it to you:

Our #1 priority is to love and respect each other.  

We do this through having fun, being kind, listening to and supporting each other's feelings and decisions.  


We are honest and have a home with Christian values.


We will spend our lives educating ourselves and learning new things.


We love music and animals.


I'm sure it will evolve over time.  It's a little generic sounding, but truthfully, these are the words (italicized) that we all wrote down.  Like any good business, we should have a yearly evaluation of it to see if it still fits us.  I'm sure as the girls grow, we'll add some things like, "we will not kiss boys until we are married to them," or "negative peer pressure in any way is for complete idiots" and stuff like that.  :)

But for a first pass, we like it.  No, we love it.  It makes us feel complete, whole, unified toward a common purpose - supporting each other in all things.  And as it says at the top, "giving each other love and respect."

What was our process?

Week 1 - Discussion about why we love our home (And to be honest, this first conversation almost made me stop the process.  The girls were too silly and Husband was "just not that into it," if you know what I mean.  But because I am a Taurus, I pressed on.)
Week 2 - Each person listed 5 words or phrases that described what our family represents (or wanted it to represent).
Week 3 - I presented the tally of words and phrases (you would be shocked how much overlap there was).
Week 4 - We cut the ones we didn't need or that were superfluous.
Week 5 - I wrote it up two ways and presented it to the group.  This is the one we picked.

What do you think?  Have you ever done one?  For those who already told me you haven't, does the process interest you?  Do you think it's crazy to treat your home like a business?  Share with me.


**I'll say, in conclusion, that I don't like calling it the mission statement and we will likely discuss what we should call it in the next week or so.**

Time for Some Tough Love Around These Here Parts - Wednesday

Originally, this was to be a post about tough love for Youngest.  Now it's about tough love for both children.  Yay.

Youngest
The Official Goodbye to Paci Weekend happened 2.5 weeks ago.  Hind sight tells me I misinterpreted Youngest's reason for waking up nightly (sometimes repeatedly).  It wasn't because she needed her paci replaced.  It was just a good ol'bad habit.

Which has continued since Paci went buh-bye.  Add to it that she's taking close to an hour to fall asleep at night and has only been sleeping a little over an hour for her nap, and we've got one over-tired toddler on our hands.

And you know what that means - Mama's overtired and getting C.  R.  A.  N.  K.  Y.

Oldest
Last night Oldest really, and I mean really, showed herself at gymnastics.  No less than THREE times she took off (much like a toddler) to do a running jump into the pit, with the teacher calling, "Miss Oldest, Miss Oldest - it's not time for the pit.  Come back to class and participate!"  Which she would, AFTER she did what she'd decided to do.  In her defense, her friend was doing the same thing and sometimes peer pressure is a great motivator.  It's also a great teaching  moment for a parent.

Tough Love
So in keeping with my March resolution to NOT YELL (which SOMEONE needs to give me a cookie for being able to keep from it yesterday), we're having ourselves a little tough love 'round these here parts.

Cry It Out for Youngest and Grounding for Oldest.
Youngest is 2.5 years old - which is plenty old enough to sleep all night without a little pat, cuddle, re-tuck, drink, or question anywhere from midnight to 5am.  And I'm never going to reach a state of semi-rest if I'm catering to her.  And if I'm catering to her and therefore tired, I'm WAY more likely to yell during the day.  Because I'm mad at myself for this going on so long and because I'm TIRED.

Oldest?  This isn't new.  Sometimes she really has to stretch the boundaries of behavior to remember what her privileges are.  Don't all kids?  She's going to choose from a menu of consequences when she wakes up.  She will need to choose two items and most items last three days (for 3 times of not listening in class).  Things like no dessert for 3 days, no computer for 3 days, sitting out the last class, not taking gymnastics in the spring, going to bed early for 3 days (I'm kind of hoping for that one).

Seem harsh for either one of them?  Not really - if there's one truth I'm learning in my own project - sometimes to get happy, you have to get through some unhappy first.  And that's going to be for all of us for the next few days.

**Special Note:  As I finish this, it's 6:30am.  Youngest USED to sleep until 7:30/8am, but is right now up there starting to call out.  This is MY time - one of the few times a day someone else isn't asking for something from me.  Her waking up strengthens my resolve that IT IS TIME.

What about you?  What tough love have you done recently?  And what does it take to get you past "minor consequences" to the tough love stage?

Happiness - Week 4 - Your Commandments

In her book and on her website, the Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin talks about making your personal commandments of happiness.  What are the concepts you need in order to achieve your own personal happiness?  She devotes a post to developing your own that I highly recommend if you want to make them. 

The last couple of weeks I've asked you to make lists - of what makes you happy, unhappy, and what you can (or can't!) change.  This week - one more list - your own commandments.  Check out Gretchen's at her site the happiness project for inspiration - they're in the left sidebar.  I'm also going to share mine with you, so you can see where I overlapped with her (no need to re-invent the wheel!) and where I found my own "must have" commandments.  And I'm not sure I feel comfortable with the word commandments - because there are 10 other commandments I'm supposed to follow, right?  Maybe I need to rename mine Missy's Secrets for a Successful Year Long Quest for Happiness.  But that's a mouthful.  Oh!  Got it.  Missy's Maxims.  I do love alliteration. 

Missy's Maxims

1. Be Missy.  This is Gretchen's #1 commandment and I'm making it mine as well.  She stresses the need to be who you should be.  For me, it could probably be re-named "just don't be fake."  I've gone through stages in my life where I try to be who I think other people want me to be or try to be a different "me" to appear more likable, friendly.  When I look back at those days, however, I realize those times were my unhappiest.  For example, I don't try to keep up on fashion.  I am a fashion faux-pas on any given day.  But I've stopped worrying about it.  I am Missy, The Unfashionable.  And I figure as long as I'm going out CLEAN (most of the time), then I'm not going to torture myself about Vera Wang or Jimmy Choos. 
2. Betterment, not perfection.  In a house full of perfectionists, you have NO IDEA how important this commandment is.  Or maybe you do . . . :)
3. Family First, every time. 
4. Let Go, Let God.  We've all heard this one, right?  It's another one I'm borrowing. 
5. Proactive, not reactive.  Should go nicely with #3 and the Online book club's first book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families.  Simple Mom has information if you're interested and I'll post on it over the next couple of months as well. 
6. There is only love.  Another one of Gretchen's that I love.  I'll talk more about it when we get to Marriage Month (or loved one month).  Or check out her site if you can't wait. 
7. Do what ought to be done.  Another good one of Gretchen's.  Sometimes it's so easy to avoid doing something because you're blaming someone else or avoiding the responsibility of whatever "it" is.  This Commandment is a good reminder. 
8. BE in the moment.  I spend a lot of time with my children counting down the hours until bedtime, running through my "to do" list in my head, wishing for MY time.  Someday I will look back on this time and ache for it.  I know I will - everyone with grown children guarantees it.  This is my reminder - enjoy the time while I have it and stop wishing the hours away.  They will be gone before I know it.
9. STAR - Stop, Think, Act Right.  I've borrowed this one from Michele Borba's book - The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.  Oldest is using it to help her remember to stop interrupting, but it applies to me too.  There are so many times that I wish I would have just paused before blurting something out (or yelling).  This method will (hopefully!) help with that. 
10. Practice patience.  Especially from 4-6pm.  ;)

My list.  Enjoy.  Come up with some of your own and write them down!  I've added them to the My Happiness Project Toolbox as well, which is a great place to document some of what you are doing (I've linked you to the "invite friends" page to show you how much I'd love to have you join).  I've also made a "Happiness Notebook" for the year here at home, where I'm writing down my resolutions, happy/unhappy lists, these Maxims.  In February, I think I'm actually going to print them out and hang them in my office as a daily reminder. 

Feel free to share some of your own commandments - and raid mine if you want!  That's what's great about the project - it's so unique to every person even while having commonalities for all.  And by the way, these are coming to you at the end of January for a reason.  I didn't sit down and write them in one day.  It took a few weeks of experiencing different areas of "life," and then seeing what I needed them to be. 

Take care and see you tomorrow!

One more thing - Happy Birthday to my mom!