What do you do when . . .

WARNING - POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE

What do you do when people, ADULTS, kind of mock your child for their choices? 

Way back in the beginning of the summer, Oldest did a creative writing camp that she loved.  LOVED.  Right up her alley in how it fit her personality. 

At the end of the week, she had sharing day.  Husband attended and was amazed by her diction, projection, creativity and confidence.

That evening we all went to the pool and one of the Moms there said, "Hey, Missy, what kind of camps does Oldest do?  Sports?"

I said, "No, she actually just finished a writing camp.  It was an awesome one." 

"Riding camp?  Like horses?  That's so cool!"

"No, actually, writing camp.  Like creative writing." 

"GET THE FUCK OUT.  You put your child in a writing camp?  In the summer?  What kind of kid is she?"  Laughing. 

"Well, actually, she loved it.  It plays to her strengths.  She's a very creative girl."

"Yeah, but.  We just do sports all summer.  I wouldn't THINK of putting my kids in academic camps.  But whatever works for you!"  Laughing, while walking away.

Is it any wonder kids try to "hide" their giftedness?  Why parents of gifted kids downplay it, hide it themselves and therefore send the message to their own child that their brainpower is something to be embarassed by?

This notion that if your kid's involved with sports it's something to sit around with other parents, talking about it, strategizing about it, lamenting about the "travel schedules" is so tiresome to me.  I sit and listen to parents do this and sometimes they turn to me and say, "What sport is Oldest in?"  As if that's the only thing worth talking about when it has to do with your child.  No wonder I feel isolated.

I think I need to start a Parent Support Group for Gifted Children.  I wish SENG's educational materials  could be had without attending a weekend conference that requires flying halfway across the country. 

Thank goodness for the internet and the "gifted friends" I've made through that.    

Dear So and So - Vacation Edition

Dear airplane rides
Be kind to Momma.  Flying alone with a 7 month old and a 5 year old seemed challenging 2 years ago.  Flying alone with an 18 month old and a 6 year old seemed challenging last year.  Flying alone with a rambunctious, zany, highly energetic 2 year old who never stops talking EVER and who gave up her pacifier in February (what WAS I thinking?) and a just turned 8 year old who still wants to ride her Trunki no matter how many times I say it's not happening without Daddy and who also never stops talking EVER seems a little challenging this year.

Signed,
Maybe a little sleep before leaving would help, but what the heck - let's really play Russian Roulette and have a tired, cranky, slightly over-stressed mommy too

Dear Youngest
By today's count, you've taken 4 headers this week.  Since MONDAY.  I'm beginning to think you're a closet drinker.  Let's try not to get a traumatic brain injury on the eve of vacation, hmmmmm?

Signed,
Mommy wants to REST on vacation, child

Dear hot water heater
Right.  When you busted on Wednesday that was super fun.  Running sopping wet towels up and down the stairs to wring out outside was uber-cool.  Not knowing whether water coursing like a river under the furnace as it gushed from the hot water heater was a bad thing was super-reassuring.  Roto-Rooter coming within an hour really was reassuring, so thanks for that. Youngest not napping during the debacle was that final touch of AWESOME in the afternoon.

Taking 6 hours to replace your 23 year old self was a great way to practice patience.  Not having the water on for those 6 hours wasn't a problem - we like not flushing the toilet.  Forgetting that Youngest didn't nap until she laid down on the floor crying over how tired she was was a pretty proud mommy moment.  And the $1,681.00 bill was the piece de resistance on a sunny, warm, beautiful Spring St. Patrick's Day.

Signed,
Seriously.  I can't think of any other way I would have done it.  Can you?  Doesn't that sound fun?  I found it titillating.  But on the bright side, at least it didn't happen while on vacation!

Dear neighborhood sisters who Oldest has a case of unrequited friend love for: 


So it's been 7 months since you rang our door bell.  In that time, I have told Oldest 673 times that "no, she actually can't come down to see if you're home."  Because, see, last time she did that and you guys shot off on your scooters leaving her behind at a stop sign and she felt lost and scared at dusk and was paralyzed with fear to even come home because she was thinking about monsters and scary people, and I was at home having no idea this was happening and thinking you all were playing at your house, like you told me you would be doing?  She may have forgotten that, but I haven't.

I also haven't forgotten when I was in a pinch for a babysitter for a one hour lunch meeting last summer and walked down and asked your dad if she could hang out with you guys and good old Dad checked with your Mom who said "sure, bring her down at 11:30," then when we came down the next day you two and your mom were backing out of the driveway to go to the zoo because she "forgot" (even though we'd discussed it 18 hours earlier) and Oldest cried for the hour in her room while I had a mommy's helper watching Youngest.

I'm a Taurus and a mother and that combination makes for a long, long, long memory.  So this week, when you saw Oldest having a playdate with another girl up the street (who is a much better fit for her), is that why you suddenly have been ringing our door 3 times a day for three days straight?  And then when you told me that if Oldest could come down to visit the other day and your mom would tell her to come home at whatever time I said for her to, and then Oldest didn't come home and Youngest and I went down to pick her up and your mom actually wasn't home and your dad was inside sleeping?

Yeah, all those memories from last summer come rushing back even more.  And guess what?  I'm going to teach Oldest how to play a NEW game this summer.  It's called playing hard to get.  Despite my repeated Super Sunday Posts about friendship in January, this isn't how I envision a healthy friendship.

Signed,
Maybe this is how it rolls with neighborhood friendships.  It's just not how I roll.

Dear Friday Follow



Hello to you and thanks again to Hearts Make Families, One 2 Try and Midday Escapades.  Link up if you want to meet new people.  I've discovered some genuine, new, engaged and totally fun followers through this link up.  So enjoy if you're interested.

Signed,
And head over to Kat's place at 3 bedroom bungalow for more Dear So and So fun.  You won't be sorry!

Super Sunday Series - Friendship and Bullying

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - where I speak to all topics gifted and how they relate to your child's well-being.  Please click on the tab above if you want to discover more about the Series and its topics.

This week we conclude our exploration of Friendship, which has grown exponentially since it began in January.  Today is week 5 - Bullying.  Week 1 gave you resources to help, week 2 talked about where to find friends and week 3 talked about making friends.  We explored Developing Close Friendships in week 4.

I believe gifted children are particularly prone to bullying.  They don't fit the mold.  They often can't read social cues.  They have an advanced sense of justice that may lead other kids to dislike them.  Watching for bullying signs and equipping them with the tools to handle it is one of the most important things you can do to for your gifted child.

Michele Borba, in her book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, has a sentence under each topic called the "change to parent for."  With bullying, she says the change to parent for is "[y]our child learns to defend himself, feels safer and more confident, and is less likely to be targeted by a bully."  Page 323.

Barbara Coloroso wrote an excellent book called The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander.  Colorosa identifies three types of bullying:  verbal, physical and relational.  Page 15.

"Verbal bullying can take the form of name-calling, taunting, belittling, cruel criticism, personal defamation, racist slurs, and sexual remarks."  Page 16.

"Physical bullying is the most visible and therefore the most readily identifiable form of bullying," but accounts for less than 1/3 of incidents reported by children.  Page 16. 

Relational bullying is diffcult to detect, and "is the systematic diminishment of a bullied child's sense of self through ignoring, isolating, excluding, or shunning."  Page 17.   "Shunning. . . joined with rumor . . . is a forceful bullying tool [as] both are unseen and hard to detect."  Id.

If you suspect that your child is being bullied, Colorosa's book lists some Do's and Don'ts: (found on pages 132-134):

DO:

1. Express your support in words like "I am here for you," I believe in you," "you are not alone."
2. Assure your child it is not her fault.
3. Help him learn the things he can do.
4. Report it to a school personnel.

DON'T:

1. Minimize, rationalize or explain away the bully's behavior.
2. Rush to solve the problem.
3. Tell your child to avoid the bully.
4. Tell your child to fight back.
5. Confront the bully or bully's parents alone

Colorosa also lists antidotes to bullying:

1. Strong sense of self.
2. Being a friend.
3. Having at least one friend who is there for you.
4. Being able to successfully get into a group.

pg 137.

Of these antidotes, I've written about #2 and #3 with this friendship series.  With #1, you might find some ideas here at one of my Super Sunday posts.  My posts on perfectionism, for example, talk about internal dialogue and how that contributes to your sense of self.  #4 has an entire chapter devoted to it in Good Friends are Hard to Find.  Well worth the buy.

We have not seen bullying at our house - yet.  I think Oldest will be at high risk for certain bullying - especially relational.  She just doesn't have that social savvy some kids have (which I've talked about before as well).

Truthfully, friendship and its nuances could be its own blog and we could spend many more weeks discussing friendship difficulties.  But I'm ready to put it to bed for now, reserving the right to come back to it at a later date.  Unless YOU have a specific question or topic about friendship you'd like to see.  Let me know.

Disclaimer #1 - I have no agreements, sponsoships or income from any of the authors mentioned thus far in my series.  These are just great books, well worth the investment, that I want to share with you.

Disclaimer #2 - I've slept approximately 5 (broken) hours the last two nights.  This post is not my best work.  Sorry.  Sleep will return (it better) soon, as will the caliber of my Super Sunday Series.


So how about you?  I think it's no surprise that I'm a worrier when it comes to parenting.  Are you?  Do issues like bullying keep you up at night?  Have you had experience with it yet?  How did you handle it if so?




  

Super Sunday Series - Developing Close Friends

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - where I speak to all topics gifted and how they relate to your child's well-being.  Please click on the tab above if you want to discover more about the Series and its topics.

This week we continue our exploration of Friendship, which has grown exponentially since it began in the middle of January.  Today is week 4 - Developing Close Friendships.  Week 1 gave you resources to help, week 2 talked about where to find friends and week 3 talked about making friends.

Developing Close Friendships.


Now that you've learned how to help your child make friends at all, let's dig a little deeper into making close friendships.  The book The Survival Guide for Parents of Gifted Kids observes that "no matter how hard they try, some . . . kids are always going to have a tough time fitting into certain social groups.  For them, the trick is to find groups they can fit into, or to find one or two close friends . . . who understand and accept them."  pg.69.

And this notion, finding one or two close friends, is what today's post is all about.  Good Friends are Hard to Find points out that one of the best ways to develop close friendships is through playdates.

I like to host first playdates at our house, by the way.  That way I can keep tabs on Oldest and how things are faring, especially in relation to Frankel's Rules of a Good Host.  These rules are similar to the Good Sport Rules, with slight variations.  Most importantly, the guest is always right (unless the guest physically hurts your child or is not obeying rules).  Other important Rules include suggesting a change in activity when bored, not being critical of the guest and being loyal to the guest.  pp. 103-115.

Frankel gives suggestions about how to help facilitate these rules, such as immediate enforcement after a violation with escalating consequences for inability to comply (in order- a reminder, followed by a warning, followed by a short time out).  pp 103-115.

We had a girl over last summer for a play date.  I could hear all kinds of inappropriate language going on down the hall, so I called Oldest in to give her a reminder.  The problem was that the other girl came in with her, so I couldn't call her out in front of her friend like that.  Especially not with this girl.  Truthfully though, just breaking up the bad word marathon by calling her in for a moment helped.  Then we talked about it after the playdate.

In various playdates we've had, I've seen all of Frankel's rules violated in some way or another.  And it's true, if the Good Host Rules are not being followed, then someone's unhappy.  I'll share examples from both sides - Oldest as rule breaker and Oldest on the receiving end of someone else breaking it.

A neighborhood girl invited Oldest over late last summer.  When Oldest arrived, another little girl was there as well.  They ended up rushing off on their scooters, with Oldest trying to run to keep up with them (at dusk).  Oldest couldn't keep up and eventually got stranded on a corner, not knowing what to do or where to go.  Terrified, she went back to the girl's house, and sat with her parents until I walked down to pick her up (having no idea this was happening).  The parents said nothing about where their daughter was and why Oldest was just sitting with them by herself.  It was a clear violation of Frankel's Disloyalty Rule.  I, obviously, was mortified but talking through Oldest's fears about being left behind and getting stuck on a corner were paramount to my shock over how I felt the situation was handled.  We don't do much with them anymore - even though Oldest asks often.

Oldest herself violated the cardinal rule of  Being a Good Host a couple of weeks ago.  We had a little girl over to play and from the sounds in her room, things seemed to be going swimmingly.  The mother stayed to visit, Youngest was providing the comic entertainment for us, and That Puppy Lilly was sniffing around having accidents in the living room, so I wasn't able to head upstairs to listen in.  As they were coming down the steps, I said, "Did you two have a good time?"  The girl didn't answer, but Oldest said, "we had a great time.  Friend wanted to switch to American Girl dolls, but I just kept telling her, 'every time you ask, I'll make you wait longer to switch.'  Just like you say, right Mommy?"  Scrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeech.  Oops.  Don't ever question whether your kids are internalizing the things you say to them every day, by the way.  So this was a great example of Oldest violating the Guest is Always Right rule.  I have high hopes for the next time, though.  We talked a lot about the importance of it after Friend left (as in "if you want friends, you can't treat them like you are their mother" type of talk).

This is where we are in Oldest's life - at the need to develop close friendships.  And we're working on it - slowly, slowly.

And finally, always provide a snack!  I usually do one midway through or if the kids have hit a lull they can't get out of.  Or if it's a playdate right after school - I do the snack right away.

Next week, I want to talk a little about "when friendship goes bad,"  in the form of bullying.  Then I plan to leave the subject for now, unless YOU have something more that hasn't been covered.

My question for you this week:  are you good at doing playdates for your kid(s)?  Do you find it deepens their friendships?  

See you tomorrow for Happiness Monday!  Or this week (un)Happiness Monday . . . stay tuned.

Super Sunday Series - Friendship - Week 3

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series, where I talk about various aspects of raising your gifted child.  If you are new here, welcome!  Click on the link below my header to see some of the subjects I've already explored.  Or sit back and enjoy . . . friendship.

Today is week 3 of Friendship, which can be a difficult learning curve for your gifted child.  In week one, I referred you to some of my favorite friendship books.  I talked about how and where to find friends in week 2.


Making Friends 
 Last week we found them.  Now let's make them.

I found multitudes of reference on making friends.  So much that it's been hard to whittle it down.  I've decided to go with my original plan and focus mainly on a friend making skill I read about in Good Friends are Hard to Find.

Learning to Be a Good Sport, which has "simple" rules.  Simple in theory, at least.  They include things like being serious about a game, not clowning around, not telling other kids how to play something or do something (Frankel calls it "no refereeing"), let everyone have a good time (not just your child), praise other's efforts, don't leave the game if you're tired or bored, suggest a new game (nicely!) instead and accept the answer, and no bragging!  All of these rules come from pages 61-62 of the book.

The book really, and I mean throughout the entire book, stresses the importance of staying with your child in an unobtrusive vantage point until these Good Sport rules are mastered.  If you see your child breaking one of the good sport rules, quietly pull him or her aside and give a reminder.

The author, Fred Frankel, closes by saying that if your child has trouble following the rules, make a pact with him or her.  Plan a reward for complying with the rules - like a trip for ice cream.  Page 66.

I love this theory, I think it's fabulous.  But I'll just put it out there.  I think learning to be a good sport can be very difficult for gifted children.  They think analytically and typically have an advanced sense of justice.  So when they see a perceived wrong being committed, I've found it's very hard for them to stay quiet about it.  And here at our house, it's so hard for Oldest not to cry about things that upset her (see below).

A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children speaks to the "high value" on social skills that society places on us.  It states,

"Parents want their children to be happy and feel accepted.  They worry that their children may feel like outcasts or suffer ill effects from not fitting in well."  Page 177.

The Guide goes on to say,


"[p]erhaps the best solution is that all children need to at least learn 'business friendly' skills - that is, behaviors that will allow them to do business with other people in a friendly manner, but this does not require them to be best friends or adopt the other person's beliefs, values or behaviors."  Page 178.

It seems that what The Guide means by "business skills" IS learning to be a "good sport."  Because The Guide is exactly right - you have to learn to put aside your own opinions to the extent that you need to be able to get along with people.  But you certainly don't need to actually adopt other's belief systems in order to "play nice."

Sheesh, wouldn't be nice if some adults in our own lives read about how to be a good sport?

You know why I have a hard time teaching Oldest about being a Good Sport?  Because I have a toddler too!  It's pretty hard to monitor good sportsmanship when you have an active toddler to keep your eye on as well.  But I do think it's worth it - this skill is an essential life skill.  Friday we were late to school because Oldest started sobbing (yes, I'm getting used to the multiple breakdowns, but she's still blowing me away with the causes) asking if she could stay home from school.  I already had one sick child staying home, so THAT was certainly not going to happen, so I asked her what was up.

Apparently, a girl (whose friendship she really covets) told her "I know why no one wants to be friends with you, but I can't tell you."  Then she went on to say, "You cry about everything that happens to you and kids don't want to be friends with you for it."

So sad.  But true, unfortunately.  I put her on  my lap to let her cry it out, while sick little Youngest patted her on the back, saying "It's ok, Oldest, what can I do to make you to feel better?"  One of those family moments you want to remember forever, right?

After the tears, we talked about whether or not she could get through a whole day without crying.  She said she didn't think so.  And I believe her!  I asked her if she wanted a trick to help her not cry about anything except an injury.  She did.  I told her, "Fake it until you make it."  I explained what I meant (which I think is a shortened version of the good sport rules above):  that in order to get along with your friends and have them want to be with you, sometimes you have to pretend things don't bother you when they do.  Sometimes you have to laugh along with a joke you don't necessarily understand.  If people ask you how your day is, they don't REALLY want to hear all 15 things that happened before we left the house, they really want to hear, "good, thanks for asking."

She was like, "isn't that lying?"  And I told her it kind of was, but it's called tact.  And that she didn't have to lie, but that she could pick something good to say even if bad things had happened.  So if she can't blow up a balloon and the whole class can (which is what started the mess the day before), then she just has to fake it until she makes it - act like it's no big deal.

I think this is a fine line to walk, frankly.  I stressed (probably too much) that this concept did not apply to Mommies and Daddies (or sisters) and that we always want to AND need to hear everything that happens to her, no matter how bad.  And added that she might get in trouble if she didn't share stuff with us.

I hope it was right.  I don't want to teach her to be fake, but she definitely needs some ability to put her heart somewhere besides on her sleeve.  It's been getting trampled of late.

And maybe hearing this from a peer will ultimately help her fix it.

Tell me about your children and their friendship development - has it been easy?  Difficult?  Do you have any tricks?  Share with us . . .

Next week on the Super Sunday Series, let's talk about making a few close friends.  We all need a couple if possible, right?  The Parent's Guide hints that gifted kids might not, but I think I disagree.

See you tomorrow - Happiness Monday - the February plan.  I'll just say UGH right now.  

Super Sunday Series - Friendship - Week 2

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series, where I talk about the many facets of giftedness in your children and how to best help them.  If you have a question or a topic you would like to read about, please leave it in the comments.  Thanks so much!  This week is the second week of Friendship.  Last week, I gave you several resources to read. 

How do Gifted Kids make, and more importantly, keep friends? 

"Peer relations can be a challenging balancing act as relationships progress through different stages . . . [g]ifted children, by definition, are different from the norm, and this undoubtedly influences their relationships with others in many ways."
A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, Page 188.


This quote, from my gifted Bible, the Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, sums it all up for me.  Childhood and adolescent friendships can be a challenge under any circumstances.  When you add giftedness into the mix, a whole new layer of complexity occurs. 

Let's face it.  Gifted children, at their worst, can be arrogant, bossy, rude, intense little perfectionists who can't read social cues.  They can be riddled with contradictions and self-doubt because they want to make friends but have no idea how to do it. 

Friendship is so important, however.  Even the biggest introvert needs to have someone they can call friend.  And we, as their parents, need to help them, or create pathways to friendship as much as possible.  We can't assume they'll "figure it out" or "get it."  For all of their brilliance, friend making is an area where they can have big challenges. 

And in our house, this talk couldn't come at a better time.  Oldest has been crying daily over her feeling of not having any friends.  She bawled all the way home this past Wednesday, asking to be home-schooled because of her feeling of being "poked at" and "bossed around" at school (her words).  From what I can gather, she feels like kids won't leave her alone in the classroom (making it look like she does, indeed, have firiends), but that outside, kids are bossy and insist on doing the games "by their rules, and don't listen to her at all."  And really, whether she "has" friends or not, she FEELS like she doesn't right now, and it's tearing her up.  Which means it's tearing me up. 

Finding Friends

The book Good Friends are Hard to Find makes a strong case for how families today don't "make time" for friendships to develop.  Whether it's from work obligations, over-scheduled kids or other commitments, children don't seem to have a lot of "time" to develop friendships.  Page 9.  The author, Fred Frankel, suggests that you make a list of the times your child is available for friendship growth.  He says to take into consideration things like dinner hour and that weekends have more time built in. 

In our house, for example, "friendship development" COULD occur on Mondays (4-6), Thursdays (4-6), Fridays (4-6), Saturdays (2-5) or Sundays (noon -5).  That's a total of 14 hours/week.  So we definitely have "windows of opportunity." 

Both books, A Parent's Guide and Good Friends are Hard to Find suggest "places to look" for friends for your child.  I'm relying on the Parent's Guide's more expansive view.  According to the Guide, gifted children often find friendships with older children, or even adults.  As a matter of fact, your gifted child may have different friends for different skill levels. 

Oldest, for example, may develop friendships with children younger in gymnastics because she's at the same level as beginners.  Many children her age have moved onto the intermediate level, so her "peer group" in that instance might be a younger child.  Conversely, in her Suzuki Piano lesson group, she has connected with several children older than she is - in part because she aspires to play like them. 

The Guide to Gifted Children stresses that a person shouldn't limit their gifted child's choices based on location or age, which contradicts Good Friends are Hard to Find.  Good Friends encourages looking for friends in local groups and playgrounds. 

My thought is that for gifted kids, looking only at local groups and playgrounds will pose some challenges because gifted kids may not find "peers," only kids who are their age (which doesn't necessarily equal a peer for a gifted child).

This week let's start by Finding Friends.  Determine what your "windows" are for playdates and write it down.  Then think about all of the places or activities your child is a part of so that you can start thinking about possible friendship opportunities.  In our lives, for example, we could look at school, gymnastics, piano, our street or at a writing class Oldest just joined.  As I listed above, she has 14 hours a week of playdate time. 

And from personal experience, I say it's OK to be choosy on your child's behalf.  If your gifted child has intensity, perfectionism, difficulty with self-control, it's OK not to welcome poor friendship choices into his/her life.  Please don't think that a series of posts about finding friends means you should take anyone who comes along.  I'll touch on this more in a couple of weeks. 

For an inspiring look at several gifted parents, educators and advocates talking about something that impacts this very subject (the social and emotional needs of gifted children), take a look at this transcript from Friday's #gtchat on Twitter.  The best way to watch is with your pause button.  Well worth it.  One of my favorite quotes - "help your Gifted Child find his/her tribe."  Powerful, isn't it?  And so important.

So, next week, let's talk about Making Friends.  And do you have any ideas about Finding Friends that I've missed?  Please share - we can all help each other. 

***In the writing of this post, I realized that trying to cover Finding, Making, AND Keeping Friends in one post is a little much. I want to be able to do all of these topics justice and keep you all interested (ie: not make them too terribly long).***


Tomorrow - Happiness - week 4.

Super Sunday Series - Friendship and Gifted Children - Week 1

It's Super Sunday Series Day!  Did you notice the handy little link at the top?  Say it with me - LOVE IT!  Now you can catch up with all the episodes you miss in one easy, quick click. 

Today starts the first week in a series of 3 about Friendship.  Today I'm giving you links to internet information and books I've read and found useful.  Next week - tips for helping your gifted child find, and keep, friends.  Week 3 will be an analysis of some common friendship struggles for gifted kids. 

So away we go!  You know I love resources - sending you places to get the real deal.  Not just rely this mom's biased version.  And truthfully, I fall way short with helping my kids make, nurture and keep friends.  I am an introvert.  I like being alone.  I like a quiet house.  I have a small number of friends.  I find it much easier and (usually) more fun to spend time with my girls than try to entertain Youngest while she's begging to join Oldest when she has someone over.  I get hot flashes during playdates, wondering if it's going to end happily or in tears.  I shy away from something Oldest desperately needs help with, sadly.

But I do read a lot of books on it!  That's how I know that what I'm doing is a little . . . lacking. 

Here are some resources for you to consider in the friendship quest.  The following books aren't gifted-specific, but I've certainly found them indispensible in my understanding of friendships and their importance. 

Good Friends are Hard to Find.

By far the best book on helping your child make friends.  It even includes action plans for it.  Well worth the buy - mine is all marked up with my notes!

From Bullies to Buddies

Queen Bees and Wannabes

I believe that every mother of girls MUST read this book before their daughter gets totally immersed in the pre-teen and teen customs Rosalind describes. 

The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander

Here are some sites of interest:

Supporting the Emotional Needs of Gifted Children

Author Carol Fertig recently wrote a post at Prufrock Press with loads of online resources for gifted children and friendship.  I highly recommend clicking through some of them.

Next week, I'll draw on many of these books for Week 2 - helping your gifted child make friends.  Until then, check these out!  Hopefully you will learn something new. 

OR better yet, if you have other friendship books you know of, send me a comment about it and why you love it.

I'll leave you with a question - does your gifted child have an easy time or hard time with friend making?  What have you done to help him/her? 

Tomorrow - Happiness Monday! 

Parenting hurts, then you cry in the bathroom

What's the hardest part of parenting?  The inability to take all of life's hurts away from these little beings you love more than anything else you could ever imagine.  And truthfully, even if I had the ability to take them all away, I wouldn't/couldn't do it.  And that hurts even more, knowing that one of my absolute duties as a parent is to let them experience pain so that they can grow.

Yesterday was Oldest's first day back to school, if you're wondering.  She's floundering over some things right now, she poured it all out over Christmas vacation, so I knew her first day back might not go well. 

Sunday night, I sat down on her bed and told her "I had the BEST Christmas vacation with you.  Thank you."  And she started crying and whispered, "I did too.  I don't want it to end." 

I agreed with her, because as tantalizing as some quality alone time sounded by the end of the weekend, I knew that 1) we did have such a wonderful time together (all of us) and 2) she was going to struggle when she went back.  Sometimes living idyllically in vacationland forever seems SO much better than getting back to real life, doesn't it?  So I understood completely where her tears were coming from. 

Yesterday morning couldn't have gone better.  Great morning routine, left the house totally on time, 3 favorite songs on the radio on the way.  A-W-E-S-O-M-E. 

But the girl I picked up was so much different than the girl I dropped off.  I'm not going into details yet for a variety of reasons, but here is what she said to me (after much crying):

"I feel like the smallest little dot in the classroom where everyone's a giant and I'm just a little dot."

Heartbreak.  HEARTBREAK to hear your child see herself that way.  When she's so NOT that way. 

There are things I can (and will) do to help her through this, but the truth is that much of it is just the pain of growing up.  The pain of being a kid and not knowing all the answers.  The pain of being a gifted girl who thinks so differently than most everyone she meets that life brings some challenges I wish she didn't have to face. 

Parenting hurts, then you cry in the bathroom.  Because you don't want her to take her situation any harder than she already is.

Missy's Happiness Project

I am thrilled to announce my main resolution for 2010.  It's called the Happiness Project.  I've had the button on my sidebar since I ordered the book and it's coming today!

How do you spell excitement?  B-o-o-k i-n t-h-e m-a-i-l.   

Anyway.  Here's the site - http://www.happiness-project.com/.  Go take a look around, then come back.  Go on!  I'll wait. 

Maybe I'll sing a little 1999 while I'm waiting, because I've wanted to all weekend!  Ever since my remembory (yes, I just created a new word - remember and memory) from Thursday. 

Now that you're back and that puppy of ours has finished howling over my rendition (and if you know me, you will know that EVERY neighborhood dog howled along with me), see why I am so thrilled about this project?  I can't think of a better way to spend the year - finding my happiness.  With a project I develop, not the one(s) I read about from others. 

Gretchen Rubin has written this ingenious book about how she spent a year discovering her happiness, month by month, through various methodologies.  She then translated it into a way for you to do the same, on your own terms and timeline. 

Over many years, I've tried different things - becoming more spiritual, getting healthy, losing weight, parenting better, working on my marriage.  All were admirable, but all were . . . kind of like separate little islands of discovery.  But what do they all have in common?  Their common thread?  Happiness. 

We all want to "find" happiness, don't we?  But it's not in a book or a diet, or a marriage, or a job, or your kid's behavior.  It's within YOU, and it's how you react to all of those things I've mentioned.  I think happiness is more about having an internal locus of control.  And with the internal locus of control, a belief that happiness comes on the journey and not just when you reach the destination, wherever that may be.  More on that later, though.   

So instead of JUST having my resolutions for 2010 (which I do still have!), I'm adding, at the top of the list, Missy's Happiness Project. 

And I'm excited to see where it takes me.  Who knows?  At the end of the year, I might find that I am happiest being semi-disgruntled.  Feeling that way does tend to provide the catalyst for change in me.

But then again, I might find something entirely different too.  My prediction for my own happiness project is that I, personally, can't settle for mediocrity in any part of my life (except maybe a messy car.  and house).  I can't say "good enough" when it's actually barely average.  But I also can't strive for perfection either - that's an impossible dream, surely to end in unhappiness.  So I need to find that middle ground for me.   

I'm starting with a focus on Health and Energy.  This month, that's the best place to start because 1) it's too stinking cold to think about much more than hibernation and 2) I did some "damage" to my health and energy in December (I ALWAYS do damage - does anyone not?). 

Here's what I'm focusing on in January:

1. keeping a food diary
2. going to bed by 11pm
3. getting in the habit of exercising 5x/wk
4. doing a skin care regime - as in wash my face before going to bed - yes, it's embarassing but true, I rarely do
5. tackling something hard on my to do list every day - and by hard, I mean hard in the emotionally draining way - things that you put off b/c you're avoiding it, but the avoiding itself drains your energy, but when you finally do it, you feel so good - that kind of hard (right now it's writing my thank you notes for Christmas)
6. eating at home for dinner 4-5 times a week
7. following the one minute rule (see the site) - don't put anything off that can be done in one minute or less
8. putting the dishes in the dishwasher every night - you'd be surprised at how unhappy it makes me to come down the next morning and realize I've left them on the counter, rinsed, but not yet in the dishwasher 

So there you have it!  I encourage you to take the plunge with me.  Go to Gretchen's site and learn about it.  Do your own Happiness Project on your blog.  Or follow mine, make comments (when I've gone over the top, tell me!) and make your own happiness in 2010.  The most important thing is that you find your own triggers and work on them each month with each subject.  Like me and the dishes.  Truthfully, I don't think I'm going to be ecstatic about logging my food for a month, but that's a small price to pay to get back in the saddle of healthy eating, I believe.  Hope.

I'll update you on my project progress at least every other Monday.  More if it's noteworthy.  But Gretchen advises us to stay accountable to achieve your goals and I know she's right!  So at a minimum, you get to hear how it's a-comin' twice a month.

So I'm off.  Happiness awaits.  For me and you.

Puppies - Do They Reek or Rock?

**edited - I can't BELIEVE I spelled puppies wrong in the title this morning!  Signed, Really do know how to spell, just tired  :)

We've had the Puppy for one month.  In honor of her, I'm making a list (and checking it twice) about the Reasons Puppy Rocks and the Reasons Puppy Reeks.

Puppy Reeks

1. I've lost 100 hours of productivity.  Can't get more annoying than that.
2. I've lost around 60 hours of sleep.  So it actually can get more annoying than that.
3. Teaching a 2 year old not to hit, kick, sit on or ride a 2 pound animal is a nightmare difficult.
4. Teaching a 7 year old not to yell and scream at 2 year old over #3 is also a nightmare difficult.
5. She kind of looks like a rat.  Especially when wet.

6. Cleaning up puppy accidents is not my idea of a good time.
7. Looks like besides #5 (though you never know what they're going to look like), I could have gone ahead and had that third child since the puppy hasn't been much easier.  A child would have at least given me 9 months to get my affairs in order and emotionally prepare.
8. Parasites aren't fun to deal with.  They came along for the ride.

Puppy Rocks

1. She's finally sleeping through the night, if 10:30-5:30 counts.  To say I'm not a morning person is an understatement.  As a matter of fact, I consider 5:30 am to be night. 
2. The kids love her and she will teach them many, many lessons about responsibility.
3. She's pretty cute, for a fluffy white rat.  I DID really love Templeton from Charlotte's Web.  In a gross, gluttonous kind of way.
4. She's making it outside to do her business 75% of the time.  In a month, I guess that's acceptable.
5. Puppy cuddles are pretty yummy.
6. The parasites are gone and with them, the loose bowels.  HURRAY, me. 

Looks like the Reeks outweigh the Rocks.  BUT, based on #2 of the Rocks, we'll keep her.  I'm a sucker that way.  ;)

A Saturday Full of "Fun" Surprises

It's pretty funny that I wrote the "I'm going to be thankful no matter what" post at 6am Saturday morning.  Sometimes you just never know, do you?

Wanna know what happened Saturday?

The day started off GREAT.  Spent a few moments with the kiddos before Husband took them on a two hour jaunt to Panera, then to the playground.  I accomplished MUCH and felt productive and ready to single mom-it the rest of the day while Husband tailgated.

Then I went upstairs to change and voila!  Our hamster had died during the night.  Or so I thought.  I debated hiding her and just telling Oldest that she'd escaped, but decided, "No, I have these crazy standards about honesty, gotta tell her."

They came home and I dropped the bomb.  As tactfully as I could.  Of course there were many tears.  She wanted to help bury her, which I'm fine with, so we went up to get her.  I wrapped her in a paper towel to take downstairs and the towel started moving!  OMG, seriously?

So we opened the towel up and watched her, discovering that she wasn't dead YET, just seriously ill.  I called the vet (had to give it due diligence, right?).  And our vet only handles cats and dogs.  So we were on our own.   For 30 minutes, she convulsed every minute or so, finally dying after a large, extended gasp. Yes, that kind of thing really does happen. 

As if it wasn't sad enough to tell Oldest her hamster died.  Then we had the false hope of her not being dead, maybe getting revived and then finally the shock of watching her die right in front of our eyes.  Probably not one of my top 100 ways to spend a Saturday morning.

So we went around the table and said what we liked about Scutter the Hamster:

Oldest - "I liked that she was my own, my first real pet."  Crying all the while.
Husband - "I liked the name you gave her, Oldest."
Youngest - "I wiked howlding her, Scutter."
Miss E - "I liked how tame she was." (Even if she tried to escape loudly and nightly, which is what I think killed her - swallowing the twist tie we used to secure the cage door that she could open by rocking her body - could I make this up?)


We buried her in the back yard with the class turtle who died in our care over the summer.  Ugh.

Next up?  That movie theatre birthday party.  I gave Oldest a free pass to stay home, but she thought it would help her get her mind off Scutter.  She was right of course. 

I have to cross one of my boundaries to say this - but I have to, I just have to.  IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY PARTY FROM HELL. 

Why is this a boundary, you ask?  When I eventually, maybe, go public with this blog to my local friends and acquaintances (a few know now, but not many), I really don't want to slam a local event that people can figure out exactly what and who I'm talking about.  I just don't want to hurt people's feelings that way.

But I have to take my chances.  That bad. 

The party started at 1pm.  Guess what time the movie started?  1:45 or 2, right?  WRONG!  Try 2:30. 

Guess how many activities the kids were entertained with for that 90 minute lull? 

Pizza and cupcakes.  That's IT.  IT I SAY!  8 children in a room with the most obnoxious acoustics I've EVER heard.  Screaming like banshees, jumping on tables, tackling each other, playing "get the robot monster," hitting each other, whacking each other with balloons.  It was so bad, it could have been a movie spoof.  Screaming like BANSHEES, I tell you.  Youngest spent the first 1/2 hour wrapped like cling wrap around my midsection it was so loud.

You can imagine my utter despair, knowing Oldest's track record at birthday parties.  But guess what?  She persevered.  She maintained.  She actually said, and I practically wrote it down at the place so I could frame it and hang it on my wall for challenging days - when asked why she wasn't joining in the "fun," she said, "You guys are being completely out of control and it really doesn't look fun to me.  I'm sitting this out."  OMG.  OMG.  Knock me over with a feather. 

And truth be told, there were only 2-3 kids completely skewing the whole event, the rest were moderately in control.  And sadly, the ringleader of Poor Behavior's mother was right there, so who could discipline her when her mother wouldn't?  Anybody have that problem?  THAT'S one of my top 2 of difficult playdates (or any non-school child interaction) - when the other parent won't be a parent.

So it comes time to leave the party room and head to the theatre.  Youngest and I walk her right up to the theatre door because I'm (not) a helicopter parent, say goodbye, we'll see her after the movie's over.  Head out to the car.

Turn back toward the theatre as I'm putting Youngest in the car and what did I see?  I couldn't make this up if I tried - now it's becoming a horror movie!  The two chaperones for the party were taking the presents and party supplies out to their car.  The kids were ALONE in the theatre! 

What????   

See?  Sometimes being a helicopter parent isn't such a bad idea.  (Though I found out later that the mother referenced above was inside with them, at the time, I didn't know this)

I couldn't stop myself - I walked over and said, "you two ARE chaperoning into the theatre, aren't you?  I mean, it's 8 girls under 10, you know."  They assured me they were just out of the theatre for a minute (which is all it takes for disaster to strike, ladies), but were heading right back in. 

I spent the next 110 minutes aging in LIGHT years, people!  But she came out in one piece.  Thank God. 

Other than that?  Nothing major, except day 3 of no nap from Youngest.  Insert all of the things you know happen when a toddler has a cold AND hasn't napped for 3 days.  Yep, they all happened.

Oh.  And our puppy cried for an hour from 3:30 to 4:30 in the morning. 

Just a day in the life of a Thankful Mom, you know!  BUT it could have been worse, much, much, much worse (like it could have been the puppy who died and I can't even go into what COULD have happened at "just a minute" of unchaperoned children in a darkened movie theatre), so I really was still thankful at the end of the day.  Maybe not so much by 4:30 in the morning though.  ;)

Signed,
Life is full of fun surprises, but today's Monday and I love Mondays.  Seriously.  So much more structure than the weekend.  Right, Lauging at Chaos?  Plus it's grocery day - my fave.

Dear California Girl

I had the good fortune of spending a few hours with a dear friend yesterday.  She moved away last January - to California.  I miss her very much and thought I'd write her a letter, introducing this blog. 

Dear California Girl -

It made my day (week) seeing you yesterday, even if only for a short time.  You look great and for the most part it seems like California is agreeing with you nicely.  I'll bet if you were writing me this letter, you would say the same thing about me, right?  Because we do look good, both of us, and we had our "so happy to see each other" faces on today, didn't we?  And don't get me wrong - I AM happy, it just takes a visit with you to make me step back for a minute. 

Because the other truth is this - I miss you terribly and I cried the whole way home from lunch, wanting to run in the doors of my home like a teenager, sobbing to Husband over the void in my life since you left.  I know we were never connected at the hip, we didn't talk every single day, we didn't go out together with our husbands and we only went out a few times by ourselves that I can remember.  In many ways, we are very different people. 

So why is the void so great and the pain so much with you gone? 

You and I shared a connectedness over our daughters' friendship, over our parenting styles, over the values we try to instill in our children.  I considered you my Calgon Girl - the one you call when you need a "take me away from it all" moment with your children, your life, with the (sometimes) pressures of being a grown up all the time.  Because sometimes it's no fun. 

And YOU, while understanding completely, could always find the humor in any situation and make me feel so happy it was YOU I called.  Sadly, I haven't found that with anyone else yet since you left - as a matter of fact, I'm wondering if you can ever be replaced.  I have other friends, sure, just not ones that fill this particular niche where you were so outstanding.

I remember one time when I was letting Youngest cry it out over a nap, I called you and said, in tears, "Can I just talk to you for a little bit until I see if she's going to stop?"  And you dropped everything and stayed on the phone with me for 30 minutes, making me forget the wailing I was hearing upstairs.  I was so embarassed about crying on the phone like that and you reassured me that the only reason I was crying was 1) sleep deprivation and 2) it was winter and the first sunny day we'd had in 6 weeks - all of that unexpected sunshine finally let our pent up emotions flow.   Even though I wanted to cave and head up to get Youngest out of her crib you said, "NO!  Don't you even THINK about ruining the good job you've done already - she's almost there because of YOU!" 

I will never forget that conversation, ever.  You, with wit and empathy, let me know so many things:

1. It's ok to cry.
2. I was making the right decision about a child.
3. Fatigue does scary things to people, but it's alright because the first year doesn't last forever.
4. I was going to make it.

As much as I care about you, though, I would be lying if I said you are the only one I miss.  Oldest hasn't found a friend like your daughter yet either and it makes ME so sad.  She doesn't even realize it, I don't think.  That your daughter got her and still loved her anyway.  And was such a good influence on her, because of the way she's being raised by her totally awesome mother.  Plus the realization that my Youngest and your Youngest would be in the same class together if you were still here is, well, heartbreaking. 

So when you said yesterday that you thought about not calling people because you didn't want us to think we had to drop everything and come running, let me assure you - no matter how much I cry afterward over missing you, believe me, I will drop everything EVERY time. 

And what I didn't tell you yesterday is that not only did I start a blog (gasp!), but as I write this and think about why I miss you so much, it's becoming clear to me that I started the blog because of you.  Or because you're not here anymore - it's my way of chatting with cyber-land as if you and I were talking instead.

So you better start reading it!  There's no time zone issues with a blog - it's open 24/7.  :)

California Girl, thank you for being the kind of person who changes the lives of people you touch.  And THANK YOU for lunch today - it came at the perfect time and means so much. 

Love,
Your Sad Little Friend Miss E  :)