Super Sunday Series - Cycles

Welcome, Super Sunday Series readers!  If you are new, the Super Sunday Series is where I talk about all "things gifted."  Or if the topic's not an officially "gifted topic," I relate that week's subject to raising your gifted child.  See my introductory post on the Super Sunday Series if you want more background.

This week?  Cycles.


I've had a hard time writing this post all week.  I couldn't find much (ok, any) research on it and you know how I love to rely on research for my Super Sunday Series. 

The only connection I found was in the book Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children.  The discussion related to how mood cyles in gifted children can be mistaken for Bi-Polar Disorder.  Yikes - wouldn't that be a horrible, horrible misdiagnosis to make?

Cylcles happen with Oldest seasonally.  She will start a downward spiral, often unable to pull herself out of it until she gets in some kind of major trouble.  In some ways, I think this is just an extension of transitions, and maybe it's the long term result of a major transition.  Because it occurs so far away from the original transition, however, it doesn't feel connected.

The downward spiral manifests itself by worsening and worsening behavior, with eventually a day so bad, where she's so rude, so extreme, that I feel like my only choices are to send her to the circus or do something drastic at home. 

She's cycling down right now, as a matter of fact.  I wrote about it Monday.  Hints I have that she's on the downward trend are extreme overreations (like accusing Youngest of name calling her when she calls her by her nickname), inability to control herself (like throwing a cup at me in the car Monday) or being over the top silly (to the point where you can't even communicate with her - like I start talking and she starts quacking or something.  I GET that she's sending the message that she doesn't want to hear what I have to say, but really, sometimes that's what life's about - having to listen when you don't want to).

Interestingly, when she's on an upcycle, she's completely unstoppable.  Completely.  In a good way.  Oh!  Wow - epiphany #1 - it's the same as when she's on a downcycle - just as unstoppable.  It's just so much more painful. 

So what happens when she reaches a day of such atrocious behavior that my only alternative is to ban major privileges?  That usually turns her around.  And the discipline is usually the triple strike - no computer, tv or dessert for a week.  That's where she lives - taking those away, especially together, have a major impact. 

When does she cycle?  As I said above, seasonally:

1. Fall - about 6 weeks after school starts
2. Winter - in the month of January - after Christmas vacation
3. Spring - usually May - during the last two weeks of school
4. Summer - mid-August - about two weeks before school starts

And as I wrote these notes Friday night - it hit me right in the face.  Epiphany #2.  School's the connection.  Her cycling into poor behavior is connected to her anxiety over school starting or ending.  Looking at it now, in print, it seems so obvious, and it makes me feel completely obtuse to not have noticed the connection before this post.

How sad for her that school creates that much anxiety and stress for her.  How sad for her that we haven't given her the tools yet to stop it before it wreaks havoc on her existence. 

I would love to know if other people have this issue with their gifteds.  If so, what do you do?  I'm so sad for her right now because she is really struggling.  At the same time, however, I can't abide the poor attitude, barely controlled anger and the extreme reactions to things.  We are a family and I have a home to run, the world can't revolve around her emotions, right? 

I planned this post to hit at a time when I thought a cycle might be occurring so I could accurately reflect my feelings.  And I've got one.  And how does it make me feel as a parent?  Awful, like I can't parent her right.  Like I am failing her.  This week has been one of those weeks where I wonder (overwhelming evidence notwithstanding) if she can even be gifted because her emotions are so out of whack.   

Sometimes these Super Sunday posts are painful for me.  It hurts to dredge up emotions you feel toward your child, whom you love unconditionally.  But today's, while saddening, is also hopeful.  Through the writing itself, I discovered something new about her and that's powerful for me.  It means I can help her find the right path now.  Thank goodness. 

What will you see the rest of the month on the Super Sunday Series?  Friendship.  That, dear readers, seems to be at the heart of her current struggles.  I think I have three week's worth of material about it.  If not, we'll adjust, don't worry!  I'm flexible that way (sometimes).

Much love.

Parenting hurts, then you cry in the bathroom

What's the hardest part of parenting?  The inability to take all of life's hurts away from these little beings you love more than anything else you could ever imagine.  And truthfully, even if I had the ability to take them all away, I wouldn't/couldn't do it.  And that hurts even more, knowing that one of my absolute duties as a parent is to let them experience pain so that they can grow.

Yesterday was Oldest's first day back to school, if you're wondering.  She's floundering over some things right now, she poured it all out over Christmas vacation, so I knew her first day back might not go well. 

Sunday night, I sat down on her bed and told her "I had the BEST Christmas vacation with you.  Thank you."  And she started crying and whispered, "I did too.  I don't want it to end." 

I agreed with her, because as tantalizing as some quality alone time sounded by the end of the weekend, I knew that 1) we did have such a wonderful time together (all of us) and 2) she was going to struggle when she went back.  Sometimes living idyllically in vacationland forever seems SO much better than getting back to real life, doesn't it?  So I understood completely where her tears were coming from. 

Yesterday morning couldn't have gone better.  Great morning routine, left the house totally on time, 3 favorite songs on the radio on the way.  A-W-E-S-O-M-E. 

But the girl I picked up was so much different than the girl I dropped off.  I'm not going into details yet for a variety of reasons, but here is what she said to me (after much crying):

"I feel like the smallest little dot in the classroom where everyone's a giant and I'm just a little dot."

Heartbreak.  HEARTBREAK to hear your child see herself that way.  When she's so NOT that way. 

There are things I can (and will) do to help her through this, but the truth is that much of it is just the pain of growing up.  The pain of being a kid and not knowing all the answers.  The pain of being a gifted girl who thinks so differently than most everyone she meets that life brings some challenges I wish she didn't have to face. 

Parenting hurts, then you cry in the bathroom.  Because you don't want her to take her situation any harder than she already is.

Super Sunday Series Holidays and Routines

Super

Sunday

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Welcome to Week 4 of the Holiday Edition of the Super Sunday Series.  We've talked about sleep, nutrition and transitions this month.  Today, we close out the Holiday Series with the importance of routines. 

For any child, a predictable, consistent routine is paramount to their success as a contributing member of your family.  The importance is raised, however, for the gifted child.  A gifted child needs the consistency of a routine like a person on the beach needs sunscreen (get it?  Shameless reference to our current location).  In other words, it's pretty important for long term health.  Without it, you won't die (likely), but everyone will be much more comfortable and happy when it's provided (the sunscreen AND the routine, that is). 

Sticking close to a routine during the holidays is important (and a challenge!).  Just as important, however, is the transition from “laid back holiday routine” to “back to school routine.”

During the holiday season, try to keep mealtimes, snack times, rest times and bedtimes as close to the norm as possible. Right now, with most two week breaks at the blissful halfway point, it may be tempting to just go with the flow of wherever time off takes you. Or you may be so overscheduled with holiday happenings, that you feel like you can’t keep up with the normal routine. To deviate from it significantly would do a disservice to both you and your gifted child(ren). All children, and especially gifted children, crave the structure, the knowledge of a routine. They like knowing what’s coming next. To take that away from them can sometimes spell disaster (it actually always spells disaster in our house).

 The closer you stick to the routine, the more easily you will transition everyone back to “normal” when back to school comes.  Holiday time isn't like summer, where you can spend several weeks with late bedtimes and late wake times (if you're lucky!).  It's a short enough amount of time that sticking as close as possible to your normal schedule is your best bet.  

Finally, remind your children about the routine and what it means to get back into it as the holiday break comes to an end. You may not get back into the swing of things without a few bumps, but the more knowledge you arm your gifted person with, the more likely they are to handle the changes.

They’re smart that way. ;)

One more thing (added on location due to its timeliness).  Just last night, the 26th, mind you, with 9 days until school is back in session, Oldest had some moments (sobbing, actually) over her worry about getting back into the school routine, how hard it was going to be and how it is so close, how can she get ready for it?  We shared some tears and started the "this is what happens when you go back" talk.  So sometimes your gifted ones need that "back to routine" talk sooner than you may think.  Be ready for it.  Youngest?  She's just going to bed every night saying "tomorrow's my school day, right?"  Gotta love the age of two. 


P.S.  Don't know what's up with the font, I'll get 'er fixed when we get back.  :)

Defining Selfish

If I can recognize that I'm a better Mommy because my kids are in school certain hours, does that make me self-ish or self-aware?

We had a great Thanksgiving Break.  All 5.5 days of it, but who's counting?  And as of yesterday morning, Youngest hadn't been at school for 11 days (including weekends).  She goes W/Th/F and when Thanksgiving Break starts on Tuesday afternoon, that means she has a whole week off, doesn't it?

Interesting that when I was growing up (you really DO talk about the good old days when you get to a certain age, don't you?), we didn't have 5.5 days off, we had 4 - Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.


Monday was Oldest's first day back in 5.5 days and yesterday was Youngest's first day back in 11 days. 

Oh bliss.  I showered.  Went to the post office and bank.  Alone.  Chipped away at that 31 item "to do" list - which actually grew to 43 by the time I started on it.  Listened to . . . silence.  Bliss I say.

I admire home schoolers and get to see it first-hand - I have one in my family.  But me?  I need, need those hours (even when it's only 2 hours) to collect myself and feel like I am the master of my ship. 

And I'm pretty darn sure they need it too.  Once kids get to a certain age (IMO that is 2 years old), they need more social stimulation than "Mommy or Daddy."  We are still important, essential characters in their life story, but socialization is practically as basic a human need as food, clothing and shelter.

Why else would I have started this blog, joined Facebook and Twitter?  Because of the need to connect with others.  To feel heard.

So to get back to my original question today - I choose self-aware.  I want to believe it's not selfish to need this time "off" in the morning from them as much as they need to be away from me in order to grow and develop.  It makes us all better at our jobs.  Me - Mom.  Them - kids. 

And I'm SO self-aware, mind you, that I can recognize how badly I need my hair done.  THAT'S on tap for this morning's 2 hours "off" while Youngest is at school.

Bliss.

First Day of School Looms Large

School starts for Oldest in less than 60 hours. I'm so sad about the summer ending! We have had a great one. Maybe one of the best. Oldest set so many goals for herself this summer - in true Oldest AND Gifted fashion. I set some for her too - milestones that we really, REALLY needed to meet. Here they are:

1. Read 11 chapter books for 11 weeks of summer. I set this for both of us, including rewards. She read 33. I barely eeked out my 11.
2. Learn to tie shoes - I set this. She learned in three days. Refer to the post entitled "The Post Where I remember to be Thankful " to see how her reminder of how to do it went.
3. Finish Book One of Suzuki piano. She set this one after attending and being inspired at the Suzuki Institute this summer. I thought there was NO WAY - she still had 8 songs to do hands together at the end of June. She just completed that one today.
4. Start going underwater at the pool. I set this - she started at the beginning of August after I bribed her with a candy bar. Yes, I am that mom, but we're talking about a necessary life lesson and she wasn't feelin' it. Within 2 days, she was going off the diving board. Once she's off and running with something, she truly can't be stopped.
5. Learn to ride her two wheeler without the training wheels. Dad set that one - she learned, but still can't get started on her own. It's coming though.

It doesn't fill me with pride that she's accomplished this much. What fills me with pride is the gusto with which she attacked most of these. She was so positive (mostly) and genuinely desired to do her best. Even on setback days (see post entitled "Perfectionism is sooooo painful" for one about piano), she ended positively. She is one amazing girl.
But I have to be honest. As sad as I am about summer ending, I am almost quivering with excitement about getting most of my days back. She will be in full day, five days, Youngest will be in three days, half days. When you add the Youngest's hours and naptimes together, that's going to be 18 hours to myself each week before 9pm. And it's been 11 long weeks since I've had that kind of time.
But I'll miss them - I'm getting teary just writing this! Sniff, sob. Hurray! All at the same time. :)

Let's lighten it up a little, shall we?

Much better day today. Now that we got our little shoulders unburdened with our talk about back to school jitters, my oldest was sooooo much more relaxed and pleasant today. It did help, though, that she spent 3 hours this morning finishing The Black Stallion so that she could complete her summer goal of 33 chapter books before my parents arrived. Makes for a relaxing morning, AND she's being productive. LOVE IT! One of my favorite parts of back to school time is the nervousness that accompanies it. HA! Kidding! No, seriously, the back to school new pair of shoes! I loved it when I was a kid and I love putting my kids in them. They're shiny, new, bright and the new shoe pride is so darling, isn't it??? My little pumpkins wore theirs all day today, so happy and bouncy! We got them yesterday, and OK, maybe that part wasn't that fun because it was at the shoe store (Nordstrom) that the downhill slide began. But today, all smiles and giddiness over those shoes! And who can blame them - one pair is pink sequins and are TYING shoes (a first). One pair is hot pink - Nikes, a little too big, but my toddler can still run around like crazy in them so they must be ok. To me, the back to school new shoes represent hope. Hope for a new, fresh, exciting year, filled with new accomplishments, new friends, new learning and new developmental phases. They are so new themselves, that it is hard to imagine their newness will fade and become commonplace, sometimes even boring in the next few months - much like the routine of school. Come mid-late fall, when the weather starts cooling down and the mornings are still dark, the monotony of

1. get up
2. get dressed
3. eat breakfast
4. pack your stuff
5. get your coats and shoes
6. and be out the door by 8:20

EVERY day will start seeming a little stale and tiring. But it's hard to imagine that now, with brand new shoes and fresh, well rested minds just yearning for the excitement of a new school year, ripe with discoveries and possibilities. So thank you, new little shoes, for helping me and my girls get to YES over the looming FIRST DAY, even if the jitters come back between now and then.