Super Sunday Series - HOW to be your child's advocate

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - where I speak to all topics gifted and how they relate to your child's well-being.  Please click on the tab above if you want to discover more about the Series and its topics.


Last week I wrote to you about the importance of being your child's advocate.  I mentioned this in my talk last Saturday and someone asked this question (paraphrased):

"How do you have time to be an advocate when you have to spend so much time merely attending to your gifted child's needs?"

It was a great question, worthy of more than the answer I gave her on the spot.

Oldest's first teacher introduced us to the concept of being your child's best advocate.  I had no idea what she meant then.  Oldest was 2.5 years old, I wasn't yet cognizant of the difficulties her intensities were going to create for a classroom and its teacher, and frankly, like many first time moms, I assumed everything was going to be all sweetness and roses with her school experience.

I met with this teacher (who, not coincidentally, is now Youngest's first teacher) this week to talk with her a little more "how to be your child's advocate."  I saw the gleam in her eye, and she said, "Ooooooh, my favorite topic."  She's been teaching for 25 years, and people from all around our city know of her expertise with young children, her ability to give them a wonderful foundation for their school age years.

Here are her top 7 ways to do this:

1. Know your child.  Know both their strengths and weaknesses.  As the parent, you have the ability to make a more accurate assessment of who your child is than anyone else, if you pay attention.  What's important is to have an accurate picture of who your child is.  I see so many parents who act as if everything (good, bad and ugly) their child does is wonderful.  They can't/don't see where their child needs improvement.  Being realistic about who your child is makes #2 below so important.
2. Develop your own skills as referee and coach.  By coaching, she means to help your child maximize the skills they have.  By refereeing, she means to set the appropriate limits, expectations and have consequences for when those limits are crossed.  To her advice, I would add "research, research, research."  If your child is a perfectionist, learn about that.  If your child has overexcitabilities, learn about those.  If your child is reading 7th grade books in 2nd grade, learn about reading levels and what they mean.  Read books on parenting, become a "student" of how to be an effective parent.   Read about giftedness.  What does it really mean?  It might surprise you.  
3. Know your community resources.  There is work involved with this one - it takes some effort.  She strongly recommends you research all options available to your child to find the place that best fits your child's personality, coming to a decision by process of elimination.  
4. Recognize that no one system is going to provide everything your child needs.  From the gifted perspective, I think this is very important.  Gifted kids think differently, act differently, and almost always need "more" in their lives, as far as enrichment.  Finding activities that help your gifted child pursue their passion, outside of school, may go a long way at school.  And by saying gifted kids need "more," I am by no means saying they need more "work."  I believe they need enrichment that gives them more "thought," if that makes sense. 
5. Be the school and teacher's partner, not adversary.  Many of the suggestions here are important, but I find this one at the top of the list for us.  I look at my children's teachers as a partner in their eduction, not the person who does it while I sit around and do nothing.  I don't think in terms of, "the teacher has to do this for my child," but rather, "what can I do to help the teacher teach my child?"  And I didn't just wake up one day and say, "this is how I'm going to do it."  It's taken some real effort.
6. Celebrate the social differences your child has.  Instead of saying, "my child is a terrible perfectionist (which may be true)," you can frame it in the positive and say, "my child has a commitment to excellence."  Instead of, "my child will blurt out answers without waiting to be recognized," you can say, "my child is eager to share her love of knowledge with others."  
7. Find their tribe.  I've been seeing this around some places lately and I love it.  Your child's tribe might NOT be at school, it might be someplace else entirely.  And that's OK, as long as you teach him or her that it's OK.  

***One final note:  I've talked about this before, but one concrete way to advocate for your child is to have them tested.  When you have test results to rely on, rather than a parental opinion (that some people WILL assume is exaggerated), your advocacy gains credibility.  A word of caution, however:  be prepared for the results.  They might be lower than you thought, or you might learn your child has some other issue entirely.  Or the results might be so high that you have to rethink everything.  It's a leap of faith that you must be willing to come to terms with.  Plus it's expensive.


What do you think?  What ways do you advocate for your child that are different from the suggestions I've made, with the help of my 25 year teaching expert?  What do you see here that you agree or disagree with?  Share with us.  By sharing, we can learn more.  

Super Sunday Series - Twitter and Gifted Chats

I've decided to expand on a previous post about Twitter Gifted Chats.  They are wonderful ways to connect with other parents, educators, advocates and organizations about the issues currently facing gifted children and their parents.

Gifted chats happen on Fridays at noon and 7pm EST.  Topics have included asynchronous development, twice exceptional children, homework, finding inspiration, parent advocacy groups, intensity/overexcitability, advocacy and meeting the social and emotional needs of gifted children.

Sadly, I have only made two - and not by choice.  The two I've attended have been bursting with reference materials, webpages to access, tips and ideas about the various topics.  But more importantly, they've been filled with people, all of whom have gifted children in their lives, and the common threads between us have inspired hope in all.

These chats are open to anyone interested in gifted issues facing children today - the only thing you need to do is join Twitter and find Deborah Mersino - who facilitates them.  As a matter of fact, I highly recommend you read through her blog posts from the past few weeks to give yourself an idea of how fortunate we all are to have her spearheading these chats.

Here's a mini step-by-step guide to get yourself to Twitter gifted chats:

Create an account at Twitter.


Find Deborah Mersino and follow her.  @DeborahMersino is her Twitter username.  Here is a link to Deborah's background if you would like to learn a little about her.

Watch her tweets for polls on #gtchat polls early each week, then vote!

Check back on Thursday to see what topics will appear at either noon or 7pm that Friday.

Show up at Twitter on Fridays by typing #gtchats into the search box 1/3 of the way down the right sidebar.


Save that search.

Click on #gtchat at the time of the chats and follow along or provide your own input!  Just make sure to add #gtchat somewhere in each tweet.

It's that easy.  Please contact me at msbede@gmail.com if you need help setting up an account on Twitter - it's pretty easy, but I remember feeling far afield of comprehension when I first created my account.  You can also follow me there! - @gifts2love.

Happy Sunday - and I hope so see you at a Twitter Gifted Chat sometime soon.

**Sponsor note: I have not received compensation or exchanges of any kind for providing this information.**

Super Sunday Series - Looking Backward and Forward - All in One Post!

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - a little place where I talk about the terminology and educational aspects of raising gifted children and how it translates into day to day living with your gifted child(ren).  I'm SO excited for 2010 and what I have planned for the Series.  This week, however, I'm buying myself a little time to plan. 

I've put handy links to all of the 2009 Super Sunday Series posts this week, with subjects, in one handy place today, for your ease of handy reference.  No thanks necessary.  Just become a follower or subscribe to my RSS and we'll share the love that way.  Thanks.  Can't you just feel the love already?

Check it out and within each link you will find all of the references I've used, because Heaven knows I didn't come up with all of this intellectualism all by myself:

Birth of the Super Sunday Series - where I introduced the SSS.  Hence the zany birth reference in the title.

Why we IQ tested so young (not Super Sunday, but relevant) - Look for SSS this year with more information about IQ testing, including the importance of not thinking it's too important. 
IQ - Part I
IQ - Part II

Traits of the Gifted Child - It's a laundry list and it's not comprehensive, but it does get you started.
Verbal Skills, Curiosity and Memory - Where I delve a little deeper into these traits common to the gifted child.
Perfectionism - I - Perfectionism can be painful and difficult, especially when practically every member of your family suffers from it.  Part One of Two.
Perfectionism - II - Tips for keeping the ravaging claws of perfectionism at bay.  Part Two of Two. 
Asynchronous Development - One of the fascinating aspects of gifted to me - it's kinda like having a college major - at 5.  You are very strong in certain areas, but not across the board.


Overexcitabilities - Gifteds seem to be predisposed to overexcitabilities in one or more areas.  You can find an exploration of all of them below.  Once I started understanding these, life in our house started getting so much more manageable.

Sensual
Emotional
Imaginational
Psycho-Motor
Intellectual


Holidays and Your Gifted Child - Where I advised you on surviving the holidays with as much fun and as little upheaval as possible.  Then I didn't follow any of my own advice! 

Routine
Transitions
Sleep
Nutrition

The rest of 2010's Super Sunday Series will be more informative - I hope!  I have the whole year planned out, without an order yet, I'm still working out those kinks.  And if you have something you want to hear about, place an order!  I'm totally open to talking to you about what YOU want to hear, not just what I want to wax philosophic about.

Next week in the Series - cycles.  Do you have them?  Not THOSE - does your gifted child cycle through various behavior patterns on a regular basis?  I'll let you know what they're like here and then you can tell me. 

Tomorrow?  My own personal Happiness Project for 2010.  Can't WAIT!

The Ebb and Flow of Oldest's Emotions

As with many gifted children, Oldest often cycles through being totally on top of her game or in the alternative, being at the bottom of the barrel.

I am planning an extensive Super Sunday Series on what I've learned about these cycles (coming this Fall to a Blog near you), but 1) must refresh myself on it and 2) must finish those very exciting overexcitabilities.  Week 3 is emotional overexcitability, which can strike fear in even the most hardy of parents.  Look for it Sunday.

But I digress.  Back to Oldest, and her current ebb.  She's struggling right now.  To get the proper visual, let's say the barrel's just been emptied of horse manure and she's stuck mucking it out.  Alone.  In cold weather.  Yes, that's right.  She's on scrubbing the bottom of the barrel this week. 

I am sad for her even while she is exasperating the hell out of me.  One of the things I find so hard about the school age years is that you (ok, me) never know what kind of trauma (drama?) is happening to your gifted child (or any child for that matter) while at school.  You don't know that she:

1. only got 3 things done on her work plan
2. lost recess time for "goofing off during the work cycle"
3. lost extra recess time for laughing at someone in circle time
4. got a cut that required (gasp and shock!) a bandaid
5. got jostled out of line by someone in gym class
6. was told by another friend that they are no longer friends after she tried to jostle her way back in.

Until she starts bawling, and I mean BAWLING over eating a lousy carrot.  Even after saying, "Oldest, this reaction seems a little extreme for not wanting to eat a carrot, is something else going on today?"  You only get the above information in little bits and pieces, one thing at a time, so that when you've asked her to get her legs back under the table for the 5th time in 15 minutes (rather than dangling them over the arm of the chair) and maybe you say it the last time a little more loudly than the first 4 times (ok, the neighbors could definitely hear it), you're even more suprised by the reaction of:

1. I am the worst person EVER!
2. No one calls me cute, only Youngest!  It's so NOT FAIR!

But then you pull your still cute Oldest onto your lap and she finally pours out all of the tears she's been holding inside all day.  After it's over, you tell her a little secret.  People don't call her cute anymore, they call her beautiful, smart, witty and kind.  But because she's 7, they don't say it to her, they say it to Mommy instead. 

And that the other secret is this - all of the things that people think are cutest in Youngest (like pulling down her pants at Panera to show a table of strangers her new Elmo underpants - really happened, could I make that up?), will become "no longer cute" in the not too distant future. 

And the final secret?  Cute's not what you want to be.  Neither is beautiful on the outside only.  It's the inside that counts.  I PRAY that she's learning that from us in this beauty and material driven society.  And I PRAY that I'm learning to let her fail enough to change the failures herself, and not blame others or want someone to fix it for her.  But it's soooooo hard.

And what the heck?  Didn't I just say yesterday that I have a super busy week?   That's always when this kind of thing goes on, isn't it?  I guess it's God's way of evening out our "practically perfect in every way" vacation week last week. 

Sigh.  We'll get through it.  We'll get through it.  We'll get through it.