Super Sunday Series - Gifted Kids and TV

I've found some parents of gifted kids don't let their kids watch any TV.  I've heard the reasons:

1. TV deadens the brain.
2. TV wastes a gifted child's mind.
3. TV prevents them from being creative.
4. TV has too much junk for an extremely smart child.

And on and on. 

And I get all that.  Really I do.  But.  But.  But.  But.  But.  But.

I am a parent and I like to complete my days without yelling at my children.  My children are on full speed ahead and their brains do not stop going.  Hardly ever.  For example, tonight they have both been talking so much MY brain is dead just trying to keep up with the questions, observations and "guess whats!?"  that have been going on all, all, all, all day long.

During those 30 minute shows I try to strategically place through the day, however, we all get a break.  They each get one show.  One of them gets one in the late morning, one gets one in the late evening.  And sometimes they can "earn" an extra one through good behavior.  Sometimes they can watch a full length movie if that's the only show they choose for the day (this is usually reserved for weekends). 

Sometimes I don't want to do anything but sit and veg in front of the TV.  I need that down time.  And so do they.  Sometimes after a long, long, long, busy, busy, busy day, I'll give them a "free" day where they get a lot of TV.  Because I look at myself and recognize  that sometimes there's nothing more satisfying than lying on the couch for two hours straight. 

I know we gave up TV for Lent and we loved it.  I'm  not contradicting that.  I maintain how valuable it was.  I also maintain that we all need a little down time - especially in the summer time when we have 12-14 hours in a day together. 

It's all about balance.  And moderation.   And hopefully not rationalization of something I really should say no to. 

What do you do with your gifted children?  No TV?  Moderate amount?  Or tons?  Don't worry, I won't tell. ;)

And I have an announcement to make.  This is my last Super Sunday Series post.  I can't give it the time it needs, so it's time to hang up the Super Sunday.  My 1 year blogging anniversary is one week from today.  I have another announcement for you about that too.  Tune in next Sunday.

Super Sunday Series - Introverts, Extroverts and a BIG Announcement!

My friend over at Hippie Mommie did an excellent post about whether you're an introvert or extrovert.  Head over to her cute, fun and super peppy blog to read about it.  Then come back.  I'll still be here.  Really, I will. 

Ok, back?  Good.   

In learning about gifted children, understanding the concept of introversion and extroversion was key in our house.  We have two of each, so instead of beating my head against the wall with "the other two," I've learned to embrace their extovert-ism (is that a word?), which helps us all get along quite nicely around here. 

When we're all playing nicely, that is.  Sometimes I want to wrap up in my little introvert world and don't really feel like playing nicely, but that's a post for another day. 

Introverts vs. extroverts - it's a litttle like perfectionism - you think you know what it means, but not quite.  Being an introvert doesn't mean you love to be at home and being an extrovert doesn't mean you love being the life of a party, as hippie mommie just taught us. 



And . . . . big announcement!  Take a look at the SENG website. My first article at SENG.  I am thrilled, honored, and still wondering how in the world it happened.  But methinks me likes it! 

Super Sunday Series - Disappointment

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - where I speak to all topics gifted and how they relate to your child's well-being.  Please click on the tab above if you want to discover more about the Series and its topics.

Here it is, the END of Super Sunday, and I'm just now writing my post.  Truth be told, I had no plans to write today because I wasn't able to properly research a topic this week.  

Then, VOILA!  A topic presented itself in a shining display this morning.  Disappointment.  How does your gifted child handle it?  

Mine?  Not well, most of the time.  Today was exceedingly not well.  Last night was the Spring Gala for Oldest and Youngest's school.  Really good time.  Raises a boatload of money, and we always come home with some "big win" for the family.  Last year it was a custom made dining room table (which is gorgeous and can extend 3 extra feet), this year it was a shower curtain with Oldest's class pretending to be monkeys ironed all over it.  We knew both girls would be super excited about it.  

Then, disaster.  Every year the art teacher does centerpieces that include each child's face - 275 kids.  She has the elementary kids help with their own and with the early education kids (birth to 6).  Oldest made her own this year and then a friend made Youngest's and matched their outfits.  Oldest was so proud and couldn't wait for us to bring them home last night.  

Well.  THAT PUPPY Lilly got hold of Oldest's "person" this morning and chewed half her face off and a leg off before I got to her.  

I realized that it was fixable, but sadly, not before Oldest woke up.  

She was devastated.  And I'm talking SO devastated, it's giving rise to a Super Sunday Series entry.  She's come so far, that sometimes I forget how destroyed she can get when something really traumatic happens to her.  

In her defense, I understand why she was so upset.  She worked so hard on "herself," and to have the puppy eat it was just devastating!  

BUT.  

She was so over the top about it, for so long, and with so much absolute refusal to JUST.  STOP.  that it almost got ugly.

Screaming at her sister to get away from her when she walked up to say "Can I hug you to  make you all better?"  

Walking, literally bent over at the waist on the way into church so that everyone at church could see how devastated she was.

Multiple statements of "it's ruined, it will never be better, I'm ruined because it's ruined, etc"  

Just painful, painful behavior.  And I was very, very sympathetic.  Until I wasn't.  Which was at the time that I pulled her from church, took her downstairs, sat her in a chair and said, "OK. Get all of your ugly, painful feelings out right now.  We're not going back up until you do.  Then if you persist in acting the way you have been for the last HOUR, you and I are going to have a very serious problem on our hands (which is code for " you'll be in big trouble, lady").  

So she got it all out, we shared a hug, she pulled herself together, we all had a great day.  

I don't want to change her.  I don't want to expect her to be a different child than she is.  But I don't think I'm being unreasonable to say that I want her to handle disappointment much better than this.  Really, even 30 minutes of bellyaching at home would have been manageable.  It's this NEED of hers to broadcast disappointment publicly that makes me crazy sometimes.  

This morning, she had actually starting getting over it, then the moment we hit the church parking lot, she started up again.  She seems to have a need to prove to anyone she sees that she's as disappointed as she is.  And if we lean in and say "Cool it, get a hold of yourself," she will work all that much harder to show us she can't get hold of herself.  Often to the point where she gets in trouble.  And she came very close today.

Am I the only one with a child who does this?  What can I say or do to help her manage this better?  I do not know.  

Super Sunday Series

Taking a break from the Super Sunday Series today to celebrate Easter.  May everyone's Easter and Passover be filled with happiness.

Super Sunday Series - Motivation

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - where I speak to all topics gifted and how they relate to your child's well-being.  Please click on the tab above if you want to discover more about the Series and its topics.


This week in the Series is MOTIVATION!  Motivation is complex and layered.  There are psychological components, sociological components, and family components to consider.

I've decided today to talk about nurturing motivation.  I think all parents have a fear (some hidden, some announced) that their child won't live up to their "potential."  My gifted bible, A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, (which I haven't quoted in so long!) says this about it:

Fundamentally, it is difficult for children who are in the upper 3% to stay motivated in an educational system that focuses primarily on the other 97%.  The resulting discouragement is probably the main reason why most gifted children work at least two to four grade levels below their potential.  Pages 61-62.  

So what can parents do to help our gifted children stay motivated when practically everywhere they look they are being told to slow down in some form or another?

1. Try to be understanding, rather than demanding. 
2. Find the child's interests, build on that motivation, then work on redirecting it.  In our house, Oldest's interests change often.  Right now, it's Pokemon.  Previously, it's been Scooby Doo or the movie Cars.  I could teach an entire curriculum through her interests when she's in the thick of them.  Seriously.  She might be resistant to division, for example.  But I'll bet if I told her to add up all the Pokemon in one of her books then divide them equally between the three main characters, she would do it so fast (and accurately) my head would spin.  But if I said, "let's work on division!"  She might get herself grounded with the bellyaching she would do.  
3. Teach your child self-management skills.  Lucky for me, the Montessori philosophy does this quite well.  But learning the art of negotiation, priority setting, and time management are all essential life skills to acquire and they don't come about magically.    
4. Help your child focus on effort, not just outcome.  Sound familiar?  Perfectionism 101.  
5. Participate in activities together.  We do this a lot here.  I'll set Oldest up with something and I'll set myself up with something, then we'll work on our projects in the same room.  This will help your child see how you stay motivated and how you work through tough patches.

All tips come from A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children.

Finally, Parent's Guide astutely reminds parents to recognize that our own motivation ebbs and flows, sometimes more than once a day.  So wouldn't it be unfair to expect more motivation from our kids than we expect from ourselves?    

I hope this helps.  If you find something here you'd like to know more about, please let me know in a comment.  I'll be happy to dig a little deeper.  

What do you do in your house to foster motivation?  

Super Sunday Series - Meritocracy

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - where I speak to all topics gifted and how they relate to your child's well-being.  Please click on the tab above if you want to discover more about the Series and its topics.

My BFF from elementary until present day (shout out - Hi Cindy!) flies the friendly skies all around the world.  In the most random of all randoms, she ran into Husband two weeks ago when he had to fly to Virginia for the day.  She gave him a magazine she'd been saving to give me the next time she saw me.

The magazine contained an article about giftedness.

Gifted Exchange has already talked about it, if you want to see her take on it.  I'm weighing in too.  It's too salacious and controversial in the gifted arena not to, as far as I'm concerned.  Does it sound funny to call something about gifted children salacious?  Maybe, but it fits.

The article is from New York magazine and explores the NYC admissions process to Kindergarten.  Go check it out at the link then come back.  I'll wait.  Promise.

Ok, you're back?  Good, let's get started.

So the article, in a nutshell, says this (for those of you who might not have checked the link):

1. New York City tests for giftedness at age 4. 
2. Your placement at that age basically puts you on a track that goes all the way through high school graduation.
3. 4 is too young to get an accurate test.
4. Some kids test high who shouldn't.
5. Some kids test low who shouldn't.
6. There should be re-tests, but there aren't.
7. Therefore, there is no such thing as giftedness.

Yes, yes, yes - it's a bit of a reach to move from logic deduction  6 to logic conlcusion 7.    And the article isn't totally doing that, but that's the tone you get throughout.  In my opinion.

Another standout from the article (which I've blogged about before), are the prep classes kids (at 4) can take to "ace the test."  

I have feelings about this article:

1. On one hand it's appalling that parents try to stack the odds in their child's favor.
2. On one hand I understand wanting the best for your children.
3. On one hand I understand how many parents think they have/want to have a genius child.
4. On one hand I understand the difficulty teachers face with parents who overestimate their children's abilities.  
5. On one hand I understand the dislike of the term "gifted."
6. On one hand I see that a 20 minute test (the length of the NYC tests, per the article) can't possibly signify the true measure of a child's intelligence.  (The test Oldest took at 4 lasted 4 hours with breaks.)

And, if I've become an octopus, that leaves me a couple of  hands to say how I really feel about the article!

How DO I really feel?  

My kids are Montessori kids, and I've long held the belief that quality early education can change the path for any child's life.  Kids learn so much in the first 5 years of life and waiting until 5 years old to "begin" their education truly misses some of their best learning time.  Montessori has taught me that every child has great potential and every child is way more capable than most adults give them credit for.  If we give children the opportunity, many can excel in school.  

That being said, if someone said to me, "your child's not gifted, she's the same as every other child in the class" it would be laughable.  To say an 8 year old who reads at the level of a 13 year old is the same as an 8 year old who reads at the level of, well, an 8 year old is preposterous.  

It would be like saying (and I have the distinct feeling this is going to make some of you mad) a child with autism, diabetes, ADHD or epilepsy shouldn't have those monikers, because they aren't THAT different.  That would be preposterous too, right?

Gifted children are different than their peers.  

Some more so than others.  Their giftedness can't be ignored merely because some states test in a way that admits children who maybe shouldn't be admitted.  

Here's what I think.  I think people can't buy in to the term gifted.  It sounds elitist.  It sounds special in a way it's not meant to be.  It sounds like a privilege, so some people practically storm the castle to get Little Johnny to be a part of it.  

And in so many ways, it is wonderful.  But it's also a challenge.  It is, quite frankly, a special need, but on a different level than what we think of special needs as a society.  I've seen giftedness called different things - "more," "high ability,"  just to name two.  And I agree that the term gifted isn't optimal.  It makes people think you're being elitist and it makes you feel like you're bragging.  

But the truth is - it's the word to describe our nation's genius and to suggest that there is no such thing, really, as giftedness, merely because of the way a state tests for it, just infuriates me.  

Like the head of the Ohio Association of Gifted Children said at the meeting a few weeks ago,  "It doesn't matter if you agree with the word 'gifted' or not.  You are here because that's what your child is and you might as well stand up for it and be proud of it.  Because if you don't as the parent, no one else will."  And that's grossly paraphrased, so I hope I got the essence.  

For a magazine to title an article (on the front page, no less), "The Myth of the Gifted Child," and therefore assert that giftedness is a myth, I invite you to spend a week at my house.  You might come away and say, "maybe there's something to this giftedness thing after all."  

Super Sunday Series - HOW to be your child's advocate

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - where I speak to all topics gifted and how they relate to your child's well-being.  Please click on the tab above if you want to discover more about the Series and its topics.


Last week I wrote to you about the importance of being your child's advocate.  I mentioned this in my talk last Saturday and someone asked this question (paraphrased):

"How do you have time to be an advocate when you have to spend so much time merely attending to your gifted child's needs?"

It was a great question, worthy of more than the answer I gave her on the spot.

Oldest's first teacher introduced us to the concept of being your child's best advocate.  I had no idea what she meant then.  Oldest was 2.5 years old, I wasn't yet cognizant of the difficulties her intensities were going to create for a classroom and its teacher, and frankly, like many first time moms, I assumed everything was going to be all sweetness and roses with her school experience.

I met with this teacher (who, not coincidentally, is now Youngest's first teacher) this week to talk with her a little more "how to be your child's advocate."  I saw the gleam in her eye, and she said, "Ooooooh, my favorite topic."  She's been teaching for 25 years, and people from all around our city know of her expertise with young children, her ability to give them a wonderful foundation for their school age years.

Here are her top 7 ways to do this:

1. Know your child.  Know both their strengths and weaknesses.  As the parent, you have the ability to make a more accurate assessment of who your child is than anyone else, if you pay attention.  What's important is to have an accurate picture of who your child is.  I see so many parents who act as if everything (good, bad and ugly) their child does is wonderful.  They can't/don't see where their child needs improvement.  Being realistic about who your child is makes #2 below so important.
2. Develop your own skills as referee and coach.  By coaching, she means to help your child maximize the skills they have.  By refereeing, she means to set the appropriate limits, expectations and have consequences for when those limits are crossed.  To her advice, I would add "research, research, research."  If your child is a perfectionist, learn about that.  If your child has overexcitabilities, learn about those.  If your child is reading 7th grade books in 2nd grade, learn about reading levels and what they mean.  Read books on parenting, become a "student" of how to be an effective parent.   Read about giftedness.  What does it really mean?  It might surprise you.  
3. Know your community resources.  There is work involved with this one - it takes some effort.  She strongly recommends you research all options available to your child to find the place that best fits your child's personality, coming to a decision by process of elimination.  
4. Recognize that no one system is going to provide everything your child needs.  From the gifted perspective, I think this is very important.  Gifted kids think differently, act differently, and almost always need "more" in their lives, as far as enrichment.  Finding activities that help your gifted child pursue their passion, outside of school, may go a long way at school.  And by saying gifted kids need "more," I am by no means saying they need more "work."  I believe they need enrichment that gives them more "thought," if that makes sense. 
5. Be the school and teacher's partner, not adversary.  Many of the suggestions here are important, but I find this one at the top of the list for us.  I look at my children's teachers as a partner in their eduction, not the person who does it while I sit around and do nothing.  I don't think in terms of, "the teacher has to do this for my child," but rather, "what can I do to help the teacher teach my child?"  And I didn't just wake up one day and say, "this is how I'm going to do it."  It's taken some real effort.
6. Celebrate the social differences your child has.  Instead of saying, "my child is a terrible perfectionist (which may be true)," you can frame it in the positive and say, "my child has a commitment to excellence."  Instead of, "my child will blurt out answers without waiting to be recognized," you can say, "my child is eager to share her love of knowledge with others."  
7. Find their tribe.  I've been seeing this around some places lately and I love it.  Your child's tribe might NOT be at school, it might be someplace else entirely.  And that's OK, as long as you teach him or her that it's OK.  

***One final note:  I've talked about this before, but one concrete way to advocate for your child is to have them tested.  When you have test results to rely on, rather than a parental opinion (that some people WILL assume is exaggerated), your advocacy gains credibility.  A word of caution, however:  be prepared for the results.  They might be lower than you thought, or you might learn your child has some other issue entirely.  Or the results might be so high that you have to rethink everything.  It's a leap of faith that you must be willing to come to terms with.  Plus it's expensive.


What do you think?  What ways do you advocate for your child that are different from the suggestions I've made, with the help of my 25 year teaching expert?  What do you see here that you agree or disagree with?  Share with us.  By sharing, we can learn more.  

Super Sunday Series - Be your child's advocate

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - where I speak to all topics gifted and how they relate to your child's well-being.  Please click on the tab above if you want to discover more about the Series and its topics.

It doesn't matter that I spent 6 years as a trial attorney.  I always get major jitters when standing up to speak.  I used to throw up behind the courtroom on the first day of trial, truthfully.

Personal phobias aside, yesterday I spoke to the Ohio Association of Gifted Children Parent Division meeting about using social media to help you with your gifted child.  Which is funny because I (literally) didn't know what social media was until about 6 months ago.  And now I'm speaking about how important it is.  And it went great!  I'm not sure how many people will be joining Twitter today as a result of my talk, but there were many good questions about the hows and whys of social media.  And my hope is that hearing about my experience will help move these parents a step closer to discovering the joys in social media.

I attended the first half of the meeting as well, which was nice, as I''m a member of OAGC.

While there:

I heard frustration . . .over schools not meeting the needs of gifted children.


I heard bewilderment . . . over how best to help gifted children reach their potential.


I heard anger . . . over state testing and its lack of "real measurement."


I heard hope . . . that some kids are doing very well and that can happen for all kids someday.


I heard pride . . . from parents who have newly discovered "giftedness" in their child.

And I was thrilled to share my story of how much blogging and Twitter have helped raise my awareness of the issues we all face as parents of gifted children.  The energy in the room was palpable and the attendees were engaged and truly committed to finding answers.

With a 2nd grader, I'm on the front edge of the "gifted push."  It was wonderful to hear people with older kids talk about their experiences over the years.  One of my favorite quotes came from a parent of high school aged gifted children.  She spoke about striking a balance (and I am paraphrasing):

"My gifted kids are in band, play a sport, on student counsel and in AP classes.  They have 4 hours of homework a night.  One of the biggest challenges is knowing they can handle the work, but also knowing they can't, because I just can't push them to the brink of exhaustion just because they can.  And finding the balance of picking which AP classes they should do, instead of all of them, is very hard sometimes."

I was amazed how many people rely on their teachers to educate them on the issues because, as parents, they don't have a knowledge yet of where to find resources.  What a disservice you might do to your child if you do this!  My greatest source of happiness over discovering social media is this:  Arm yourself with as much knowledge and understanding as you can.  

Oldest's very first teacher said this to me over and over.  "You must learn how to be the advocate for your child.  This is one of your most important duties as a parent."

I had no idea what she meant 6 years ago.  Yesterday, I witnessed how important those words were as I saw several people floundering with their difficulties in the school system.

So here is my message to you - BE YOUR CHILD'S ADVOCATE.  They are counting on you (and so is the future of our country).

Next week on the Super Sunday Series, I'll talk about what I think it means to be your child's advocate.  


Tomorrow, March's Happiness Plan - It's all about the kids, man!

Super Sunday Series - Twitter and Gifted Chats

I've decided to expand on a previous post about Twitter Gifted Chats.  They are wonderful ways to connect with other parents, educators, advocates and organizations about the issues currently facing gifted children and their parents.

Gifted chats happen on Fridays at noon and 7pm EST.  Topics have included asynchronous development, twice exceptional children, homework, finding inspiration, parent advocacy groups, intensity/overexcitability, advocacy and meeting the social and emotional needs of gifted children.

Sadly, I have only made two - and not by choice.  The two I've attended have been bursting with reference materials, webpages to access, tips and ideas about the various topics.  But more importantly, they've been filled with people, all of whom have gifted children in their lives, and the common threads between us have inspired hope in all.

These chats are open to anyone interested in gifted issues facing children today - the only thing you need to do is join Twitter and find Deborah Mersino - who facilitates them.  As a matter of fact, I highly recommend you read through her blog posts from the past few weeks to give yourself an idea of how fortunate we all are to have her spearheading these chats.

Here's a mini step-by-step guide to get yourself to Twitter gifted chats:

Create an account at Twitter.


Find Deborah Mersino and follow her.  @DeborahMersino is her Twitter username.  Here is a link to Deborah's background if you would like to learn a little about her.

Watch her tweets for polls on #gtchat polls early each week, then vote!

Check back on Thursday to see what topics will appear at either noon or 7pm that Friday.

Show up at Twitter on Fridays by typing #gtchats into the search box 1/3 of the way down the right sidebar.


Save that search.

Click on #gtchat at the time of the chats and follow along or provide your own input!  Just make sure to add #gtchat somewhere in each tweet.

It's that easy.  Please contact me at msbede@gmail.com if you need help setting up an account on Twitter - it's pretty easy, but I remember feeling far afield of comprehension when I first created my account.  You can also follow me there! - @gifts2love.

Happy Sunday - and I hope so see you at a Twitter Gifted Chat sometime soon.

**Sponsor note: I have not received compensation or exchanges of any kind for providing this information.**

Super Sunday Series - Friendship and Bullying

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - where I speak to all topics gifted and how they relate to your child's well-being.  Please click on the tab above if you want to discover more about the Series and its topics.

This week we conclude our exploration of Friendship, which has grown exponentially since it began in January.  Today is week 5 - Bullying.  Week 1 gave you resources to help, week 2 talked about where to find friends and week 3 talked about making friends.  We explored Developing Close Friendships in week 4.

I believe gifted children are particularly prone to bullying.  They don't fit the mold.  They often can't read social cues.  They have an advanced sense of justice that may lead other kids to dislike them.  Watching for bullying signs and equipping them with the tools to handle it is one of the most important things you can do to for your gifted child.

Michele Borba, in her book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, has a sentence under each topic called the "change to parent for."  With bullying, she says the change to parent for is "[y]our child learns to defend himself, feels safer and more confident, and is less likely to be targeted by a bully."  Page 323.

Barbara Coloroso wrote an excellent book called The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander.  Colorosa identifies three types of bullying:  verbal, physical and relational.  Page 15.

"Verbal bullying can take the form of name-calling, taunting, belittling, cruel criticism, personal defamation, racist slurs, and sexual remarks."  Page 16.

"Physical bullying is the most visible and therefore the most readily identifiable form of bullying," but accounts for less than 1/3 of incidents reported by children.  Page 16. 

Relational bullying is diffcult to detect, and "is the systematic diminishment of a bullied child's sense of self through ignoring, isolating, excluding, or shunning."  Page 17.   "Shunning. . . joined with rumor . . . is a forceful bullying tool [as] both are unseen and hard to detect."  Id.

If you suspect that your child is being bullied, Colorosa's book lists some Do's and Don'ts: (found on pages 132-134):

DO:

1. Express your support in words like "I am here for you," I believe in you," "you are not alone."
2. Assure your child it is not her fault.
3. Help him learn the things he can do.
4. Report it to a school personnel.

DON'T:

1. Minimize, rationalize or explain away the bully's behavior.
2. Rush to solve the problem.
3. Tell your child to avoid the bully.
4. Tell your child to fight back.
5. Confront the bully or bully's parents alone

Colorosa also lists antidotes to bullying:

1. Strong sense of self.
2. Being a friend.
3. Having at least one friend who is there for you.
4. Being able to successfully get into a group.

pg 137.

Of these antidotes, I've written about #2 and #3 with this friendship series.  With #1, you might find some ideas here at one of my Super Sunday posts.  My posts on perfectionism, for example, talk about internal dialogue and how that contributes to your sense of self.  #4 has an entire chapter devoted to it in Good Friends are Hard to Find.  Well worth the buy.

We have not seen bullying at our house - yet.  I think Oldest will be at high risk for certain bullying - especially relational.  She just doesn't have that social savvy some kids have (which I've talked about before as well).

Truthfully, friendship and its nuances could be its own blog and we could spend many more weeks discussing friendship difficulties.  But I'm ready to put it to bed for now, reserving the right to come back to it at a later date.  Unless YOU have a specific question or topic about friendship you'd like to see.  Let me know.

Disclaimer #1 - I have no agreements, sponsoships or income from any of the authors mentioned thus far in my series.  These are just great books, well worth the investment, that I want to share with you.

Disclaimer #2 - I've slept approximately 5 (broken) hours the last two nights.  This post is not my best work.  Sorry.  Sleep will return (it better) soon, as will the caliber of my Super Sunday Series.


So how about you?  I think it's no surprise that I'm a worrier when it comes to parenting.  Are you?  Do issues like bullying keep you up at night?  Have you had experience with it yet?  How did you handle it if so?




  

Super Sunday Series - Developing Close Friends

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - where I speak to all topics gifted and how they relate to your child's well-being.  Please click on the tab above if you want to discover more about the Series and its topics.

This week we continue our exploration of Friendship, which has grown exponentially since it began in the middle of January.  Today is week 4 - Developing Close Friendships.  Week 1 gave you resources to help, week 2 talked about where to find friends and week 3 talked about making friends.

Developing Close Friendships.


Now that you've learned how to help your child make friends at all, let's dig a little deeper into making close friendships.  The book The Survival Guide for Parents of Gifted Kids observes that "no matter how hard they try, some . . . kids are always going to have a tough time fitting into certain social groups.  For them, the trick is to find groups they can fit into, or to find one or two close friends . . . who understand and accept them."  pg.69.

And this notion, finding one or two close friends, is what today's post is all about.  Good Friends are Hard to Find points out that one of the best ways to develop close friendships is through playdates.

I like to host first playdates at our house, by the way.  That way I can keep tabs on Oldest and how things are faring, especially in relation to Frankel's Rules of a Good Host.  These rules are similar to the Good Sport Rules, with slight variations.  Most importantly, the guest is always right (unless the guest physically hurts your child or is not obeying rules).  Other important Rules include suggesting a change in activity when bored, not being critical of the guest and being loyal to the guest.  pp. 103-115.

Frankel gives suggestions about how to help facilitate these rules, such as immediate enforcement after a violation with escalating consequences for inability to comply (in order- a reminder, followed by a warning, followed by a short time out).  pp 103-115.

We had a girl over last summer for a play date.  I could hear all kinds of inappropriate language going on down the hall, so I called Oldest in to give her a reminder.  The problem was that the other girl came in with her, so I couldn't call her out in front of her friend like that.  Especially not with this girl.  Truthfully though, just breaking up the bad word marathon by calling her in for a moment helped.  Then we talked about it after the playdate.

In various playdates we've had, I've seen all of Frankel's rules violated in some way or another.  And it's true, if the Good Host Rules are not being followed, then someone's unhappy.  I'll share examples from both sides - Oldest as rule breaker and Oldest on the receiving end of someone else breaking it.

A neighborhood girl invited Oldest over late last summer.  When Oldest arrived, another little girl was there as well.  They ended up rushing off on their scooters, with Oldest trying to run to keep up with them (at dusk).  Oldest couldn't keep up and eventually got stranded on a corner, not knowing what to do or where to go.  Terrified, she went back to the girl's house, and sat with her parents until I walked down to pick her up (having no idea this was happening).  The parents said nothing about where their daughter was and why Oldest was just sitting with them by herself.  It was a clear violation of Frankel's Disloyalty Rule.  I, obviously, was mortified but talking through Oldest's fears about being left behind and getting stuck on a corner were paramount to my shock over how I felt the situation was handled.  We don't do much with them anymore - even though Oldest asks often.

Oldest herself violated the cardinal rule of  Being a Good Host a couple of weeks ago.  We had a little girl over to play and from the sounds in her room, things seemed to be going swimmingly.  The mother stayed to visit, Youngest was providing the comic entertainment for us, and That Puppy Lilly was sniffing around having accidents in the living room, so I wasn't able to head upstairs to listen in.  As they were coming down the steps, I said, "Did you two have a good time?"  The girl didn't answer, but Oldest said, "we had a great time.  Friend wanted to switch to American Girl dolls, but I just kept telling her, 'every time you ask, I'll make you wait longer to switch.'  Just like you say, right Mommy?"  Scrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeech.  Oops.  Don't ever question whether your kids are internalizing the things you say to them every day, by the way.  So this was a great example of Oldest violating the Guest is Always Right rule.  I have high hopes for the next time, though.  We talked a lot about the importance of it after Friend left (as in "if you want friends, you can't treat them like you are their mother" type of talk).

This is where we are in Oldest's life - at the need to develop close friendships.  And we're working on it - slowly, slowly.

And finally, always provide a snack!  I usually do one midway through or if the kids have hit a lull they can't get out of.  Or if it's a playdate right after school - I do the snack right away.

Next week, I want to talk a little about "when friendship goes bad,"  in the form of bullying.  Then I plan to leave the subject for now, unless YOU have something more that hasn't been covered.

My question for you this week:  are you good at doing playdates for your kid(s)?  Do you find it deepens their friendships?  

See you tomorrow for Happiness Monday!  Or this week (un)Happiness Monday . . . stay tuned.

Super Sunday Series - Friendship - Week 3

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series, where I talk about various aspects of raising your gifted child.  If you are new here, welcome!  Click on the link below my header to see some of the subjects I've already explored.  Or sit back and enjoy . . . friendship.

Today is week 3 of Friendship, which can be a difficult learning curve for your gifted child.  In week one, I referred you to some of my favorite friendship books.  I talked about how and where to find friends in week 2.


Making Friends 
 Last week we found them.  Now let's make them.

I found multitudes of reference on making friends.  So much that it's been hard to whittle it down.  I've decided to go with my original plan and focus mainly on a friend making skill I read about in Good Friends are Hard to Find.

Learning to Be a Good Sport, which has "simple" rules.  Simple in theory, at least.  They include things like being serious about a game, not clowning around, not telling other kids how to play something or do something (Frankel calls it "no refereeing"), let everyone have a good time (not just your child), praise other's efforts, don't leave the game if you're tired or bored, suggest a new game (nicely!) instead and accept the answer, and no bragging!  All of these rules come from pages 61-62 of the book.

The book really, and I mean throughout the entire book, stresses the importance of staying with your child in an unobtrusive vantage point until these Good Sport rules are mastered.  If you see your child breaking one of the good sport rules, quietly pull him or her aside and give a reminder.

The author, Fred Frankel, closes by saying that if your child has trouble following the rules, make a pact with him or her.  Plan a reward for complying with the rules - like a trip for ice cream.  Page 66.

I love this theory, I think it's fabulous.  But I'll just put it out there.  I think learning to be a good sport can be very difficult for gifted children.  They think analytically and typically have an advanced sense of justice.  So when they see a perceived wrong being committed, I've found it's very hard for them to stay quiet about it.  And here at our house, it's so hard for Oldest not to cry about things that upset her (see below).

A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children speaks to the "high value" on social skills that society places on us.  It states,

"Parents want their children to be happy and feel accepted.  They worry that their children may feel like outcasts or suffer ill effects from not fitting in well."  Page 177.

The Guide goes on to say,


"[p]erhaps the best solution is that all children need to at least learn 'business friendly' skills - that is, behaviors that will allow them to do business with other people in a friendly manner, but this does not require them to be best friends or adopt the other person's beliefs, values or behaviors."  Page 178.

It seems that what The Guide means by "business skills" IS learning to be a "good sport."  Because The Guide is exactly right - you have to learn to put aside your own opinions to the extent that you need to be able to get along with people.  But you certainly don't need to actually adopt other's belief systems in order to "play nice."

Sheesh, wouldn't be nice if some adults in our own lives read about how to be a good sport?

You know why I have a hard time teaching Oldest about being a Good Sport?  Because I have a toddler too!  It's pretty hard to monitor good sportsmanship when you have an active toddler to keep your eye on as well.  But I do think it's worth it - this skill is an essential life skill.  Friday we were late to school because Oldest started sobbing (yes, I'm getting used to the multiple breakdowns, but she's still blowing me away with the causes) asking if she could stay home from school.  I already had one sick child staying home, so THAT was certainly not going to happen, so I asked her what was up.

Apparently, a girl (whose friendship she really covets) told her "I know why no one wants to be friends with you, but I can't tell you."  Then she went on to say, "You cry about everything that happens to you and kids don't want to be friends with you for it."

So sad.  But true, unfortunately.  I put her on  my lap to let her cry it out, while sick little Youngest patted her on the back, saying "It's ok, Oldest, what can I do to make you to feel better?"  One of those family moments you want to remember forever, right?

After the tears, we talked about whether or not she could get through a whole day without crying.  She said she didn't think so.  And I believe her!  I asked her if she wanted a trick to help her not cry about anything except an injury.  She did.  I told her, "Fake it until you make it."  I explained what I meant (which I think is a shortened version of the good sport rules above):  that in order to get along with your friends and have them want to be with you, sometimes you have to pretend things don't bother you when they do.  Sometimes you have to laugh along with a joke you don't necessarily understand.  If people ask you how your day is, they don't REALLY want to hear all 15 things that happened before we left the house, they really want to hear, "good, thanks for asking."

She was like, "isn't that lying?"  And I told her it kind of was, but it's called tact.  And that she didn't have to lie, but that she could pick something good to say even if bad things had happened.  So if she can't blow up a balloon and the whole class can (which is what started the mess the day before), then she just has to fake it until she makes it - act like it's no big deal.

I think this is a fine line to walk, frankly.  I stressed (probably too much) that this concept did not apply to Mommies and Daddies (or sisters) and that we always want to AND need to hear everything that happens to her, no matter how bad.  And added that she might get in trouble if she didn't share stuff with us.

I hope it was right.  I don't want to teach her to be fake, but she definitely needs some ability to put her heart somewhere besides on her sleeve.  It's been getting trampled of late.

And maybe hearing this from a peer will ultimately help her fix it.

Tell me about your children and their friendship development - has it been easy?  Difficult?  Do you have any tricks?  Share with us . . .

Next week on the Super Sunday Series, let's talk about making a few close friends.  We all need a couple if possible, right?  The Parent's Guide hints that gifted kids might not, but I think I disagree.

See you tomorrow - Happiness Monday - the February plan.  I'll just say UGH right now.  

Super Sunday Series - Friendship - Week 2

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series, where I talk about the many facets of giftedness in your children and how to best help them.  If you have a question or a topic you would like to read about, please leave it in the comments.  Thanks so much!  This week is the second week of Friendship.  Last week, I gave you several resources to read. 

How do Gifted Kids make, and more importantly, keep friends? 

"Peer relations can be a challenging balancing act as relationships progress through different stages . . . [g]ifted children, by definition, are different from the norm, and this undoubtedly influences their relationships with others in many ways."
A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, Page 188.


This quote, from my gifted Bible, the Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, sums it all up for me.  Childhood and adolescent friendships can be a challenge under any circumstances.  When you add giftedness into the mix, a whole new layer of complexity occurs. 

Let's face it.  Gifted children, at their worst, can be arrogant, bossy, rude, intense little perfectionists who can't read social cues.  They can be riddled with contradictions and self-doubt because they want to make friends but have no idea how to do it. 

Friendship is so important, however.  Even the biggest introvert needs to have someone they can call friend.  And we, as their parents, need to help them, or create pathways to friendship as much as possible.  We can't assume they'll "figure it out" or "get it."  For all of their brilliance, friend making is an area where they can have big challenges. 

And in our house, this talk couldn't come at a better time.  Oldest has been crying daily over her feeling of not having any friends.  She bawled all the way home this past Wednesday, asking to be home-schooled because of her feeling of being "poked at" and "bossed around" at school (her words).  From what I can gather, she feels like kids won't leave her alone in the classroom (making it look like she does, indeed, have firiends), but that outside, kids are bossy and insist on doing the games "by their rules, and don't listen to her at all."  And really, whether she "has" friends or not, she FEELS like she doesn't right now, and it's tearing her up.  Which means it's tearing me up. 

Finding Friends

The book Good Friends are Hard to Find makes a strong case for how families today don't "make time" for friendships to develop.  Whether it's from work obligations, over-scheduled kids or other commitments, children don't seem to have a lot of "time" to develop friendships.  Page 9.  The author, Fred Frankel, suggests that you make a list of the times your child is available for friendship growth.  He says to take into consideration things like dinner hour and that weekends have more time built in. 

In our house, for example, "friendship development" COULD occur on Mondays (4-6), Thursdays (4-6), Fridays (4-6), Saturdays (2-5) or Sundays (noon -5).  That's a total of 14 hours/week.  So we definitely have "windows of opportunity." 

Both books, A Parent's Guide and Good Friends are Hard to Find suggest "places to look" for friends for your child.  I'm relying on the Parent's Guide's more expansive view.  According to the Guide, gifted children often find friendships with older children, or even adults.  As a matter of fact, your gifted child may have different friends for different skill levels. 

Oldest, for example, may develop friendships with children younger in gymnastics because she's at the same level as beginners.  Many children her age have moved onto the intermediate level, so her "peer group" in that instance might be a younger child.  Conversely, in her Suzuki Piano lesson group, she has connected with several children older than she is - in part because she aspires to play like them. 

The Guide to Gifted Children stresses that a person shouldn't limit their gifted child's choices based on location or age, which contradicts Good Friends are Hard to Find.  Good Friends encourages looking for friends in local groups and playgrounds. 

My thought is that for gifted kids, looking only at local groups and playgrounds will pose some challenges because gifted kids may not find "peers," only kids who are their age (which doesn't necessarily equal a peer for a gifted child).

This week let's start by Finding Friends.  Determine what your "windows" are for playdates and write it down.  Then think about all of the places or activities your child is a part of so that you can start thinking about possible friendship opportunities.  In our lives, for example, we could look at school, gymnastics, piano, our street or at a writing class Oldest just joined.  As I listed above, she has 14 hours a week of playdate time. 

And from personal experience, I say it's OK to be choosy on your child's behalf.  If your gifted child has intensity, perfectionism, difficulty with self-control, it's OK not to welcome poor friendship choices into his/her life.  Please don't think that a series of posts about finding friends means you should take anyone who comes along.  I'll touch on this more in a couple of weeks. 

For an inspiring look at several gifted parents, educators and advocates talking about something that impacts this very subject (the social and emotional needs of gifted children), take a look at this transcript from Friday's #gtchat on Twitter.  The best way to watch is with your pause button.  Well worth it.  One of my favorite quotes - "help your Gifted Child find his/her tribe."  Powerful, isn't it?  And so important.

So, next week, let's talk about Making Friends.  And do you have any ideas about Finding Friends that I've missed?  Please share - we can all help each other. 

***In the writing of this post, I realized that trying to cover Finding, Making, AND Keeping Friends in one post is a little much. I want to be able to do all of these topics justice and keep you all interested (ie: not make them too terribly long).***


Tomorrow - Happiness - week 4.

Super Sunday Series - Friendship and Gifted Children - Week 1

It's Super Sunday Series Day!  Did you notice the handy little link at the top?  Say it with me - LOVE IT!  Now you can catch up with all the episodes you miss in one easy, quick click. 

Today starts the first week in a series of 3 about Friendship.  Today I'm giving you links to internet information and books I've read and found useful.  Next week - tips for helping your gifted child find, and keep, friends.  Week 3 will be an analysis of some common friendship struggles for gifted kids. 

So away we go!  You know I love resources - sending you places to get the real deal.  Not just rely this mom's biased version.  And truthfully, I fall way short with helping my kids make, nurture and keep friends.  I am an introvert.  I like being alone.  I like a quiet house.  I have a small number of friends.  I find it much easier and (usually) more fun to spend time with my girls than try to entertain Youngest while she's begging to join Oldest when she has someone over.  I get hot flashes during playdates, wondering if it's going to end happily or in tears.  I shy away from something Oldest desperately needs help with, sadly.

But I do read a lot of books on it!  That's how I know that what I'm doing is a little . . . lacking. 

Here are some resources for you to consider in the friendship quest.  The following books aren't gifted-specific, but I've certainly found them indispensible in my understanding of friendships and their importance. 

Good Friends are Hard to Find.

By far the best book on helping your child make friends.  It even includes action plans for it.  Well worth the buy - mine is all marked up with my notes!

From Bullies to Buddies

Queen Bees and Wannabes

I believe that every mother of girls MUST read this book before their daughter gets totally immersed in the pre-teen and teen customs Rosalind describes. 

The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander

Here are some sites of interest:

Supporting the Emotional Needs of Gifted Children

Author Carol Fertig recently wrote a post at Prufrock Press with loads of online resources for gifted children and friendship.  I highly recommend clicking through some of them.

Next week, I'll draw on many of these books for Week 2 - helping your gifted child make friends.  Until then, check these out!  Hopefully you will learn something new. 

OR better yet, if you have other friendship books you know of, send me a comment about it and why you love it.

I'll leave you with a question - does your gifted child have an easy time or hard time with friend making?  What have you done to help him/her? 

Tomorrow - Happiness Monday! 

Super Sunday Series - Cycles

Welcome, Super Sunday Series readers!  If you are new, the Super Sunday Series is where I talk about all "things gifted."  Or if the topic's not an officially "gifted topic," I relate that week's subject to raising your gifted child.  See my introductory post on the Super Sunday Series if you want more background.

This week?  Cycles.


I've had a hard time writing this post all week.  I couldn't find much (ok, any) research on it and you know how I love to rely on research for my Super Sunday Series. 

The only connection I found was in the book Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children.  The discussion related to how mood cyles in gifted children can be mistaken for Bi-Polar Disorder.  Yikes - wouldn't that be a horrible, horrible misdiagnosis to make?

Cylcles happen with Oldest seasonally.  She will start a downward spiral, often unable to pull herself out of it until she gets in some kind of major trouble.  In some ways, I think this is just an extension of transitions, and maybe it's the long term result of a major transition.  Because it occurs so far away from the original transition, however, it doesn't feel connected.

The downward spiral manifests itself by worsening and worsening behavior, with eventually a day so bad, where she's so rude, so extreme, that I feel like my only choices are to send her to the circus or do something drastic at home. 

She's cycling down right now, as a matter of fact.  I wrote about it Monday.  Hints I have that she's on the downward trend are extreme overreations (like accusing Youngest of name calling her when she calls her by her nickname), inability to control herself (like throwing a cup at me in the car Monday) or being over the top silly (to the point where you can't even communicate with her - like I start talking and she starts quacking or something.  I GET that she's sending the message that she doesn't want to hear what I have to say, but really, sometimes that's what life's about - having to listen when you don't want to).

Interestingly, when she's on an upcycle, she's completely unstoppable.  Completely.  In a good way.  Oh!  Wow - epiphany #1 - it's the same as when she's on a downcycle - just as unstoppable.  It's just so much more painful. 

So what happens when she reaches a day of such atrocious behavior that my only alternative is to ban major privileges?  That usually turns her around.  And the discipline is usually the triple strike - no computer, tv or dessert for a week.  That's where she lives - taking those away, especially together, have a major impact. 

When does she cycle?  As I said above, seasonally:

1. Fall - about 6 weeks after school starts
2. Winter - in the month of January - after Christmas vacation
3. Spring - usually May - during the last two weeks of school
4. Summer - mid-August - about two weeks before school starts

And as I wrote these notes Friday night - it hit me right in the face.  Epiphany #2.  School's the connection.  Her cycling into poor behavior is connected to her anxiety over school starting or ending.  Looking at it now, in print, it seems so obvious, and it makes me feel completely obtuse to not have noticed the connection before this post.

How sad for her that school creates that much anxiety and stress for her.  How sad for her that we haven't given her the tools yet to stop it before it wreaks havoc on her existence. 

I would love to know if other people have this issue with their gifteds.  If so, what do you do?  I'm so sad for her right now because she is really struggling.  At the same time, however, I can't abide the poor attitude, barely controlled anger and the extreme reactions to things.  We are a family and I have a home to run, the world can't revolve around her emotions, right? 

I planned this post to hit at a time when I thought a cycle might be occurring so I could accurately reflect my feelings.  And I've got one.  And how does it make me feel as a parent?  Awful, like I can't parent her right.  Like I am failing her.  This week has been one of those weeks where I wonder (overwhelming evidence notwithstanding) if she can even be gifted because her emotions are so out of whack.   

Sometimes these Super Sunday posts are painful for me.  It hurts to dredge up emotions you feel toward your child, whom you love unconditionally.  But today's, while saddening, is also hopeful.  Through the writing itself, I discovered something new about her and that's powerful for me.  It means I can help her find the right path now.  Thank goodness. 

What will you see the rest of the month on the Super Sunday Series?  Friendship.  That, dear readers, seems to be at the heart of her current struggles.  I think I have three week's worth of material about it.  If not, we'll adjust, don't worry!  I'm flexible that way (sometimes).

Much love.

New Title - Expanded Focus

So I've been thinking.  Which beats sitting around staring at the wall.  Unless I've been out veeeeerrrrrryyy late the night before. 

I had an offline conversation recently with a new follower.  I shared why I started this blog.  Primarily, it was so my head would stop being in danger of exploding.  I had too many thoughts with no place to put them.  When you have young children AND it's summertime, you don't get a lot of time to "download" your thoughts, if you know what I mean.  Purge them, talk about them, OR release them . . . from your brain. 

And I didn't want to lose my patience over their "kid-ness" only because my brain was always full of the topics I wanted to talk about.  But had no one to talk to about them (except Husband).  All of this equalled the birth of Loving Your Gifted Child. 

And I'm so happy I did!  Gosh - to have met as many people as I have who share in the same joy and consternation I do about raising a gifted child has been immensely gratifying. 

BUT.  (There always is.)

I've found that I like writing just as much as I did before I went to law school and had all of my creativity sucked out of my marrow, only to be filled up with analytical thinking.  Not that that's a bad thing - mind you, attending law school taught me that I have a tremendous, almost disorder-like analytical side.  Yay me.  But I missed being creative for so many years and now that it's back I want it to stay.

SO.  What's the point? 

I'm not limiting this blog to raising gifted children.  I want it to be so much more and it already is!  And, because I want everyone to know it's MORE than a gifted child blog, I'm altering its title.  I don't want to scare people away from being involved with the blog based on the title of it.  It really is so much more. 

And it's not a major alteration (I'm not that adventurous!  I break into hot flashes just thinking about moving from Blogger.).  It's more of a tweak, really. 

Therefore, Loving Your Gifted Child will now be called (drumroll, please) . . . . .



Loving Your Child's Gifts

Told ya it wasn't major, didn't I?  

Oldest is so much more than just gifted.  She has many "gifts," if you will.  And Youngest, she's the shining beacon of happiness here, with her 2 year old goodness (or badness, depending on the emptiness of her stomach).  And frankly, I have a lot more to say about life than just having a gifted child.   

Don't worry, Super Sunday Series is still on.  I have an entire year's worth planned already, remember? 

Being a mom has given me many, many gifts.  Not just the gift of giftedness.   I wanna share it all.  With you.  So join me, won't you?  We'll do it together (or togesser, as Youngest would say).

Super Sunday Series - Looking Backward and Forward - All in One Post!

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series - a little place where I talk about the terminology and educational aspects of raising gifted children and how it translates into day to day living with your gifted child(ren).  I'm SO excited for 2010 and what I have planned for the Series.  This week, however, I'm buying myself a little time to plan. 

I've put handy links to all of the 2009 Super Sunday Series posts this week, with subjects, in one handy place today, for your ease of handy reference.  No thanks necessary.  Just become a follower or subscribe to my RSS and we'll share the love that way.  Thanks.  Can't you just feel the love already?

Check it out and within each link you will find all of the references I've used, because Heaven knows I didn't come up with all of this intellectualism all by myself:

Birth of the Super Sunday Series - where I introduced the SSS.  Hence the zany birth reference in the title.

Why we IQ tested so young (not Super Sunday, but relevant) - Look for SSS this year with more information about IQ testing, including the importance of not thinking it's too important. 
IQ - Part I
IQ - Part II

Traits of the Gifted Child - It's a laundry list and it's not comprehensive, but it does get you started.
Verbal Skills, Curiosity and Memory - Where I delve a little deeper into these traits common to the gifted child.
Perfectionism - I - Perfectionism can be painful and difficult, especially when practically every member of your family suffers from it.  Part One of Two.
Perfectionism - II - Tips for keeping the ravaging claws of perfectionism at bay.  Part Two of Two. 
Asynchronous Development - One of the fascinating aspects of gifted to me - it's kinda like having a college major - at 5.  You are very strong in certain areas, but not across the board.


Overexcitabilities - Gifteds seem to be predisposed to overexcitabilities in one or more areas.  You can find an exploration of all of them below.  Once I started understanding these, life in our house started getting so much more manageable.

Sensual
Emotional
Imaginational
Psycho-Motor
Intellectual


Holidays and Your Gifted Child - Where I advised you on surviving the holidays with as much fun and as little upheaval as possible.  Then I didn't follow any of my own advice! 

Routine
Transitions
Sleep
Nutrition

The rest of 2010's Super Sunday Series will be more informative - I hope!  I have the whole year planned out, without an order yet, I'm still working out those kinks.  And if you have something you want to hear about, place an order!  I'm totally open to talking to you about what YOU want to hear, not just what I want to wax philosophic about.

Next week in the Series - cycles.  Do you have them?  Not THOSE - does your gifted child cycle through various behavior patterns on a regular basis?  I'll let you know what they're like here and then you can tell me. 

Tomorrow?  My own personal Happiness Project for 2010.  Can't WAIT!

Super Sunday Series Holidays and Routines

Super

Sunday

Series

Welcome to Week 4 of the Holiday Edition of the Super Sunday Series.  We've talked about sleep, nutrition and transitions this month.  Today, we close out the Holiday Series with the importance of routines. 

For any child, a predictable, consistent routine is paramount to their success as a contributing member of your family.  The importance is raised, however, for the gifted child.  A gifted child needs the consistency of a routine like a person on the beach needs sunscreen (get it?  Shameless reference to our current location).  In other words, it's pretty important for long term health.  Without it, you won't die (likely), but everyone will be much more comfortable and happy when it's provided (the sunscreen AND the routine, that is). 

Sticking close to a routine during the holidays is important (and a challenge!).  Just as important, however, is the transition from “laid back holiday routine” to “back to school routine.”

During the holiday season, try to keep mealtimes, snack times, rest times and bedtimes as close to the norm as possible. Right now, with most two week breaks at the blissful halfway point, it may be tempting to just go with the flow of wherever time off takes you. Or you may be so overscheduled with holiday happenings, that you feel like you can’t keep up with the normal routine. To deviate from it significantly would do a disservice to both you and your gifted child(ren). All children, and especially gifted children, crave the structure, the knowledge of a routine. They like knowing what’s coming next. To take that away from them can sometimes spell disaster (it actually always spells disaster in our house).

 The closer you stick to the routine, the more easily you will transition everyone back to “normal” when back to school comes.  Holiday time isn't like summer, where you can spend several weeks with late bedtimes and late wake times (if you're lucky!).  It's a short enough amount of time that sticking as close as possible to your normal schedule is your best bet.  

Finally, remind your children about the routine and what it means to get back into it as the holiday break comes to an end. You may not get back into the swing of things without a few bumps, but the more knowledge you arm your gifted person with, the more likely they are to handle the changes.

They’re smart that way. ;)

One more thing (added on location due to its timeliness).  Just last night, the 26th, mind you, with 9 days until school is back in session, Oldest had some moments (sobbing, actually) over her worry about getting back into the school routine, how hard it was going to be and how it is so close, how can she get ready for it?  We shared some tears and started the "this is what happens when you go back" talk.  So sometimes your gifted ones need that "back to routine" talk sooner than you may think.  Be ready for it.  Youngest?  She's just going to bed every night saying "tomorrow's my school day, right?"  Gotta love the age of two. 


P.S.  Don't know what's up with the font, I'll get 'er fixed when we get back.  :)

Super Sunday Series - Holidays and Transitions

Welcome back to the Super Sunday Series, where this month we're talkin' about the The Basics of Holiday Survival (say it with an echo to herald its importance).  The last two weeks dealt with those basic necessities in life, eating and sleeping.  Next week, it's all about routines.  This week - transitions.  Ohhhh, I shudder just saying it aloud.  It's one of our "hot buttons" here at Casa Fun. 

Practically everything around the holidays involves transitions.  It's no wonder they both stress me out a little bit.   

Interestingly, I don't find much on transitions in my gifted "go to" books.  I first learned the word transition (I'd been experiencing its impact for years with Oldest, but had no name for it) from Oldest's first teacher.  Amazing woman - see my Stone Soup entry.  She said to Husband and I, "Oldest has some challenges with transitions.  This is something that you are going to need to work on with her." 

Whoosh - in one ear, out the next.  Didn't really register until a couple of years later when someone mentioned the book Raising Your Spirited Child as a life saver to them.  The book has an entire chapter devoted to transitions.  According to the author, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, “A transition is a change or passage, from one place, action, mood, topic or thing to another.”  Page 137. For us, no matter how large or small, transitions were a battle. And they were exhausting.   In the early days it was something as simple as going from one task to another, turning off a TV show, getting out of the house, out of the bathtub, out of the car, out of a playdate.  And when I say "battle," I mean B-A-T-T-L-E.  One summer I took her to see Cars in the movie theatre and had to carry her to the car afterward, trying to hit me the whole way, because she "didn't want to leave."  Classic transition difficulty.  Because it wasn't that she didn't want to leave, it was that she couldn't emotionally do it at the time. 


Transitioning Oldest into and out of school from a long break has always been painful. Less so now that she’s older and we know what we’re dealing with. Thankfully.  We’ve been able to give her some coping mechanisms to minimize the challenges.  Spirited Child lists the following suggestions to help your transitionally challenged child.  These can be found, in depth, on pages 138-147 of Kurcinka's book.  I've added my own spin on them, holiday style, next to each suggestion.  Consider it my holiday gift to the adoring fans. 

1. Using Words.  I call these the buzzwords (I know, I know, I should be copyrighting these monikers for their uniqueness!).  I have a little repertoire of phrases and sentences that I've developed over the years to remind Oldest a transition is coming.  So, for example, during the holidays, we'll start talking about school going back in session at least three days before.  "Remember, in three days, you go back to school," talk about the routine and what that means, etc.  Kurcinka states, "[a]s you point out to your child the transitions in her life she will begin to look for them herself.  Gradually her confidence and ability to cope will increase."  Page 138.   I have seen this with Oldest over the years.  Years, people, not months.  It takes a loooonnnnnng time to learn to manage transitions. 
2. Establish a Routine.  I'll focus on this next week, getting back to the routine, that is.  During the holidays, though, try to make the routine as close to "normal" as possible.  Which means trying to stick to sleep schedules and eating regularly, not overdosing them on TV or computer if you find that they get a little wacky with too much of it. 
3. Allow Time.  Kurcinka says that "every five minutes spent in prevention saves you fifteen minutes of turmoil."  Page 140.  Completely true here.  Even now, rushing = big problem.  It just needs to be built into the schedule, you don't have to allow hours upon hours.  Words, combined with a little extra time, can work wonders.  Youngest, who doesn't have nearly the transition issues Oldest has, did very well transitioning to Santa this year, after some hairy moments last year.  Instead of just throwing her on his lap, we discussed him in advance, waved to him and discussed him some more while in line and voila - no tears when it came her turn.  Plus I sat with her, of course.  But the book points this out about holiday gatherings with families - ask relatives to give your child a few minutes to warm up and hang out with mom or dad before being expected to give hugs and make conversation.  
4. Forewarning is Critical.  This has been a lifesaver for us over the years.  I usually use "5,3,1."  I tell her when she has 5 minutes, then 3 minutes, then 1 minute before leaving somewhere.  I tell her before even turning on a show if we don't have time for the whole thing - after many meltdowns when she was younger.  Kurcinka states that the "timing of forewarnings is important.  Some kids need to be told hours, days, even weeks in advance what they will be doing."  Page 141.  This gives them time to process and ask questions.  Youngest is going through that right now with our pending airplane trip.  We're having daily conversations about what to expect at the airport.  One year I made a map for Oldest (I should find that thing!) giving her a visual guide of all of the transitions through the airport.  This was after a partcularly harrowing year trying to get through the metal detector in one piece.  It showed pictures of the bus ride to the airport, the check-in (including taking our bags away), stopping for breakfast, the metal detector (including a pic of Teddy riding through the conveyor alone), the line for boarding the airplane, the steps up the airplane, the works.  From that year on, we had very little airport transitional trouble.  Because Oldest just followed the map.  Thanks, Dora! 
5. Allow Time for Closure.  I struggle with this one.  It often feels to me like I'm catering to her.  But because Oldest has so much trouble leaving something mid-task, I try to build in the expectation as well.  If, say, we're leaving in 10 minutes for church and she decides she wants to go online and study the Theory of Relativity (kidding, but you know what I mean - do something that will take longer than 10 minutes), I tell her she has to pick something different.  And if she's close to completion of something, I let her do it.  Mostly. 
6. Use Imagination.  This is pure genius.  It seems silly, but it's magic.  Magic, I say!  Right now, Youngest's doll can get her to transition to anything!  I'll put on my best baby voice, pick up the doll and say, "Hey Youngest?"  At which point she gets this face - expectant, hopeful, anticipatory. 

Then baby says, "will you take me to the potty with you?"  Or whatever she's balking at at the moment (she's 2, you know, lotsa balking these days).  She is usually nodding and racing to whatever baby's "invited" her to do before I'm even finished with the sentence.  Magic, I tell you.  Try it.  It worked with Oldest until she was, like, 5.  Seriously. 
7. Limit the Number of Transitions.  Well, yeah.  It seems like common sense, but you have noooo idea how many times I tried to take Oldest on "errand day," (including things like dry cleaner, grocery, bank, post office) until I made the connection that she was always, always falling apart by the last three.  Kurcinka talks about the real importance of this during the holidays and makes the point that sometimes you will have to say no to an invitation or at least make sure you take two cars so that if your transitionally challenged child has had enough, you can make a subtle exit. 
8. Help Them Deal with Disappointment.  Kurcinka talks about how hard disappointment, a change in plans or unexpected surprise can hit a child who has trouble with transitions.  "They experience a rush of emotions that easily overwhelms them."  Page 146.  I'd say!  Oldest still has trouble with this, though it's much better now.  Kurcinka suggests, and I have found this essential also, that when major disappointment hits, your child will need to release it somehow.  I have actually started saying things to Oldest like, "Ok, I know this is really upsetting, but you must keep it together now.  You can fall apart when we get to the house/car/someplace a little more private."  It helps.  A few years ago, though, it may not have worked so much.  I think the holidays, for all of their magic for children, can also be filled with disappointment.  Their expectations get raised so high and for a gifted child, sometimes one small change to an expectation can mean a major, devastating disappointment.  I've berated myself over the years for not anticipating various and sundry disappointment possibilities for Oldest and therefore not preparing her for it in advance.  But the truth is, she does need to learn about unexpected change and she does need to learn to cope with it.  Hopefully as the years go on, her coping skills will just get better and better.
9. Working Together.   Remember to thank your child for "keeping it together."  Not in an ingratiating way.  Be sincere.  Really mean it when you say, "I am so pleased with how you made good choices today.  I hope you are proud of yourself as well."  Because they should be - it's just as hard for them to have transition trouble as it is for you, their parent. 

Holidays and transition aren't easy for any of us, really.  If you think of how much the holidays wear on you as an adult, is it any wonder our children fall apart one or multiple times throughout the "most wonderful time of year?"  They are little people who haven't had years to hone their coping skills, they are still learning.  It's up to us to help them and to remember to make good choices for them, not trying to do it all at the expense of their (and our) mental health. 

Does your gifted child have transition trouble?  Do you have any advice to share? 

Good luck this coming week and have fun!  Next week's Super Sunday Series is about routine - getting back to it after the carefree days of a holiday break. 

Tomorrow?  True Christmas spirit, as exhibited by my children.