My Happiness Project - Are you an Abstainer or Moderator?

It's Happiness Monday! I love My Happiness Project, where I decided to spend a year "finding" happiness with the help of Gretchen Rubin and her awesome book. Check out her website for more information. And buy the book! It's never too late to start your own Happiness Project.

I've wanted to raise this topic for months, but it kept getting backburnered.  And it bothers me.  I don't LIKE the fact that our personalities sway one way or another. 

Head over to this post at Unclutterer.  Gretchen's raised it on her blog too, and it's in her book.  In a nutshell, Gretchen's assertion is that you are either an abstainer or a moderator.  Abstainers, in order to "stop" something, must do it by giving it up entirely.  Moderators, on the other hand, are easily able to reduce the amount of times they do something and don't have to give it up entirely.

I don't like this notion because I don't want to be an abstainer, but I think that's what I am. 

If I buy cookies, I will eat them all within a couple of days, "just to get rid of them and get back to behaving."

If I open a bottle of wine, I will finish it within two nights, "so it doesn't go to waste."

If I order a meal that has a huge portion size, I'll eat it all rather than saving the rest for later, "because it tastes good."

If I start a book that's good, I'll stay up late and ignore my responsibilities to finish it "and get back to my real life."

You get the point. 

I don't like this though, I don't think it's fair.  It makes me resentful of myself and I feel like it sets me up for failure over and over. 

I don't want to be this way, that the only way to "find happiness" is to avoid things that are bad for me.  Because sometimes, it's fun to splurge a little.  The issue is that once I start (with food, especially), it's very hard to stop.  And that's where the moderation thing comes in.  I want to be able to do things in moderation and it makes me unhappy that my history says I can't. 

But now, I've purchased a book called Women Food and God, and from what I can tell, she will be talking about how to become a moderator.  I heard it on an Oprah commercial.  I don't even watch Oprah, but the commercial was tantalizing enough that I Googled it and found out about the book.  I bought it Friday and am quite interested in its premise.  I'm hoping it helps me become a better moderator, because I'm getting tired of this all-or-nothing pattern I've established. 

So I'll keep you posted. 

And this is a good reminder that in my quest to find happiness, I'm still going through periods of unhappiness as I figure it all out. 

Is it really that simple?

Tuesday I posted a list, created by my Dad quite a few years ago, about secrets to a happy life.  Today, I'm saying what I think of his list and how it relates to happiness.

Health.  Exercising, eating right, drinking in moderation, not smoking.  All of those contribute to health and when one of them falls away, health can decline and certainly lead to unhappiness.  Or a more challenging life, at least.
Teach your Children.  He's coming at this from the angle of "being finished."  His children either have their values now as adults or they don't.  There's little, if anything, he can do to "fix" them now.
Follow a sound financial plan.  Again, coming from the "last half of life" phase.  A favorite quote of his has always been, "If youth but knew what age would crave, many a penny youth would save."

These three principles are important in life and they are broad statements, under which many other things can fall.  And I believe, for the most part, they are good, sound principles that will add to your unhappiness if you don't follow them.

But I think they can be boiled down even farther to one concept:  do you practice delayed gratification?  All of his principles rely on the ability to delay gratification.  If you can delay gratification, then your life will be less difficult, less filled with obstacles.

And I don't mean to say life will be easy.  Life is hard.  There's no ifs, ands or buts about it.  But if you are a person who lives by instant gratification, then you're going to make it much, much harder on yourself and those around you.

Delayed gratification isn't fun, really.  It doesn't make you whoop it up with its excitement.  But it will make you feel more fulfilled in life.  It will, hopefully, help you look back and say, "I made good choices that I can be proud of throughout my life."

Teaching Children Appropriate Gas Passing is Like . . .

Herding cats.

At what age do you start putting the smack down on kids for belching or passing wind any and every time the need arises?  Loudly.  And falling into fits of laughter with each other over their abilities?  In public?

I'm starting with Oldest because, frankly, her belching is becoming quite unladylike.  Picture this 8 year old girl, opening her mouth and letting rip with a "BRAWRP" that is so manly, for a minute I think Husband's at home (this being April 14th, however, we haven't seen him in days - LOVE tax day week).

Actually, that picture looks like her face right after she's done it, which usually consists of this:

"Oldest!  PLEASE!  We're in public!"
"What?  I can't help it?  Besides it's funny."
"Lots of inappropriate things are funny.  Doesn't mean you should do them in public."

Hit rewind, then play multiple times and you have our conversation every single time it happens.  Combine that with the "pull my finger" fun she picked up in Florida and I have a regular 8 year old on my hands, I'm sure.

So Wednesday evening at dinner (Chipotle), Youngest kept spilling EVERYTHING, and Oldest kept burping - loudly.  Even the din of Chipotle wasn't dimming the noise.  So I picked that moment to snap.

"Oldest, this isn't what ladies do."

"I'm not a lady."

"You are a young lady, it's disgusting and it's got to stop."

"Mom, first of all - I'm half boy/half girl.  Second, I can't help it.  They come out so fast, I just can't stop them."

"Well, I can tell by the way you're pushing them out that you're doing it on purpose.  Try to do it with your mouth closed, then push that air out, but not the sound.  Besides, you are all girl, period.  No boy in you."

"What happens if I stop doing it totally?  And I am half boy, you know."

"You'll explode.  No, honey, I'm quite certain that you are 100% girl.  If you want to call yourself a tomboy, that's one thing."

"What do you mean, I'll explode?  Get mad, like you did just now when you said (whispered) 'Shit' when Youngest spilled her black beans everywhere?  Daddy says that when he's driving, you know.  And I really don't want to see this whole family starting to talk like that, Mommy."

"Ok, got it.  I will not say that word anymore when Youngest spills an entire cup of black beans onto a mesh chair, then smooshes them in while I'm trying to clean them up.  And your whole body would explode if you stopped passing gas, that's why it's important to do it, just not the way you have been."


A few minutes later:
"WOW!  I just burped with my mouth closed, Mom, and it totally worked!  Does this mean I can never burp again the 'fun way?'"

"Great honey!  And you can still burp the fun way at home, but there are certain things we just don't do in public, around PEOPLE.  Have you ever heard Mommy do these things in public?"

"No."

Feeling proud of myself, we finish dinner and head to the car.  When we get in and close the door:

"Youngest, quick!  Pull my finger!"

"Oh, OK Oldest.  That's fun.  That's so fun when I pull your finger."

Getting Your 2 Year Old to Smile in 3 Easy Steps

Step One:  Set the stage with ice cream.  

Step Two: Tell her to Smile

Step 3:  Know when to say when.

Happiness Project - Did I Win the Gold in February?

It's Happiness Monday!  I love My Happiness Project, where I decided to spend a year "finding" happiness with the help of Gretchen Rubin and her awesome book.  Check out her website for more information.  And buy the book!  It's never too late to start your own Happiness Project.  

Today I come clean about February.  Its ups, its downs, its successes and failures.  

Successes:

1. I decluttered a lot of junk from this house.  Bookshelves, closets (4), art cupboards, puzzle/game drawers, the attic (completely cleared out to make way for the insulation installation this month), Husband's cupboard of "stuff we'd all forgotten about."  Every Monday of February, at least 2 extra bags of JUNK went out with the trash.  That made me feel gooooooood.
2. My nagging task list - when I made it, it had 70 items.  On February 28th, it was down to 31 items, which rocks.  Plus I fixed my wedding ring, which I've been putting off for at least 5 years.  Seriously.
3. Eating in.  We were supposed to do it 16 times in February and we did it 15 times.  
4. Keeping a food diary and exercising - 24/28 days and 25/28 days, respectively.  And I lost a pound.  Not a lot of weight loss, but 10 pounds in 2 months is.
5. Training the puppy.  She's doing awesome.  Really.  I only mutter about giving her away a couple of times a week now.  HUGE improvement.

Failures (or, if I'm positively framing, "areas of improvement"):

1. Decluttering - I still have a lot of work to do.  I saved my "office" for the end and it's still a work in progress.  Plus I want to do things in the basement.  So decluttering has been bumped into March and has a weekend role around here.  
2. Evening tidy up.  I found I don't really care about this.  The house isn't THAT messy in the evening, so why go around and make sure one dog toy is off the floor before bed?
3. Going to bed.  FAIL.  ABORT.  SOMEBODY NEEDS AN INTERVENTION.  Really - what is my problem with this?  I only made it to bed at a reasonable hour (10:45 was the goal) 15 times in February.  And some nights it was really, really late.  I see the direct correlation with my mood and a good night's sleep, so why am I having such a hard time doing this?  I'm really asking, people.  Any help would be appreciated on tips to sticking to a reasonable bedtime.  Getting all my STUFF done during the day would help, I'm sure, and Youngest's newest plan to not nap in the afternoon is certainly throwing a wrench into that, but still.

And there you have it!  How did you do in February?  Did you try anything new?  Find success?  Did you fall off the resolution wagon?  My little notebook of accountability (I check things off nightly) really, really keeps me on task.  It's a tip from Gretchen.  I recommend it.

Remember that this month for me is "all about the kids," but you could make it about anything you want!

Blinding Envy

The other day in Panera Bread, I saw a woman walking to her seat with 3 catalogs, her lunch tray, and nothing else.  No friends, no kids, no "stuff."  And for a moment, I was blinded with envy at her ability to casually glance through catalogs, while clean, enjoying a leisurely, people free lunch.

I haven't looked at a catalog for months, maybe a year.  I throw them away the moment they come (in the recycling, don't call the Green Police), just so I don't feel the failure of having no time to look.

Later, I thought of three ways to shift my envy -

1 - I could think, "Who needs most of that stuff anyway?"  It's just stuff to covet and make me feel like I'm supposed to keep up with the Joneses.

2 - My catalog time is coming.  All I need to do is look at my mother, who scrutinizes catalogs on my behalf (for the children, of course).  Then gives me the high points over the phone in her quest "for their next present."  It might be 20 years away, but my time is coming.

3- Maybe this woman looked at me with my harried, un-showered (same outfit three days in a row - think I'm making that up?  I am Missy the Unfashionable), no make-up, kids following me, dropping things, spilling their RED drink on the floor, crying over it, etc, etc, etc and said, "if only I could have those days back."  Or "I am so sad I never had days like that."

Or she might have looked at us and thought, "Good thing I'm not her - those kids are ragamuffins and she looks like she hasn't bathed in a week."  Did I mention this was last week during the "spontaneous mid-winter break?"

Because you never know what someone is longing for, right?  Which is a good reason not to take your own blessings (spilled red drink and all) for granted.

Dinner Attitudes

Currently, the good attitudes (for the most part) and sister-sharin' love (for the most part) are on the "happy" end of the spectrum.  I might end up liking Winter after all! 

Well, that's actually impossible, but here's what I mean:

I decided 2010 would be a COLD TURKEY "Momma's fixing one dinner a day" plan.  And so far?  Smashing success.  Check out my post about my nutritional failings to get an idea of the things I do.

And don't misunderstand - I'm not going all APE on the kiddies and making things like LIVER (blech), plus I'm building in days where they get easy "stuff" (like last night was gymnastics, so PB&J was up for ease).  And I might be bribing offering them drinks of my Fresca for every real bite of something new they eat.  And swallow.  But really, who doesn't respond to the siren song of Fresca?  If you don't know the beauty of it, leave me a comment - we need to talk.

But.  Seriously!  Shockingly!  Amazingly!  Astoundingly! 

They are eating new foods and  . . . . OMG . . . finding they LIKE THEM!  Here are new things they've tried since Jan 1st - with raves (and Fresca):

1. Brown Chicken - consomme, lemon, mushrooms
2. Swiss chicken - swiss cheese, stuffing, cream of mushroom soup
3. Chicken Piccata 
4. Lasagna
5. Bacon Spaghetti
6. Paprika Chicken - butter, paprika, garlic

And oddly, they "take" to the new things better when we're eating at the dining room table.   At the kitchen table, there's bellyaching and moaning (which I expected), but as soon as we have "dining room table" night - open minds and experimentation (and Fresca) all around!

Not battling children at the dinner table reduces stress exponentially.  Now I just need to work on Youngest's love of "going to get something from the kitchen" which includes going in there and just standing with her finger in her mouth trying to figure out what she's there to "get."  Maybe she's getting this from her absent minded mother?

Good times, here.