Time for Some Tough Love Around These Here Parts - Wednesday

Originally, this was to be a post about tough love for Youngest.  Now it's about tough love for both children.  Yay.

Youngest
The Official Goodbye to Paci Weekend happened 2.5 weeks ago.  Hind sight tells me I misinterpreted Youngest's reason for waking up nightly (sometimes repeatedly).  It wasn't because she needed her paci replaced.  It was just a good ol'bad habit.

Which has continued since Paci went buh-bye.  Add to it that she's taking close to an hour to fall asleep at night and has only been sleeping a little over an hour for her nap, and we've got one over-tired toddler on our hands.

And you know what that means - Mama's overtired and getting C.  R.  A.  N.  K.  Y.

Oldest
Last night Oldest really, and I mean really, showed herself at gymnastics.  No less than THREE times she took off (much like a toddler) to do a running jump into the pit, with the teacher calling, "Miss Oldest, Miss Oldest - it's not time for the pit.  Come back to class and participate!"  Which she would, AFTER she did what she'd decided to do.  In her defense, her friend was doing the same thing and sometimes peer pressure is a great motivator.  It's also a great teaching  moment for a parent.

Tough Love
So in keeping with my March resolution to NOT YELL (which SOMEONE needs to give me a cookie for being able to keep from it yesterday), we're having ourselves a little tough love 'round these here parts.

Cry It Out for Youngest and Grounding for Oldest.
Youngest is 2.5 years old - which is plenty old enough to sleep all night without a little pat, cuddle, re-tuck, drink, or question anywhere from midnight to 5am.  And I'm never going to reach a state of semi-rest if I'm catering to her.  And if I'm catering to her and therefore tired, I'm WAY more likely to yell during the day.  Because I'm mad at myself for this going on so long and because I'm TIRED.

Oldest?  This isn't new.  Sometimes she really has to stretch the boundaries of behavior to remember what her privileges are.  Don't all kids?  She's going to choose from a menu of consequences when she wakes up.  She will need to choose two items and most items last three days (for 3 times of not listening in class).  Things like no dessert for 3 days, no computer for 3 days, sitting out the last class, not taking gymnastics in the spring, going to bed early for 3 days (I'm kind of hoping for that one).

Seem harsh for either one of them?  Not really - if there's one truth I'm learning in my own project - sometimes to get happy, you have to get through some unhappy first.  And that's going to be for all of us for the next few days.

**Special Note:  As I finish this, it's 6:30am.  Youngest USED to sleep until 7:30/8am, but is right now up there starting to call out.  This is MY time - one of the few times a day someone else isn't asking for something from me.  Her waking up strengthens my resolve that IT IS TIME.

What about you?  What tough love have you done recently?  And what does it take to get you past "minor consequences" to the tough love stage?

Super Sunday Series - Cycles

Welcome, Super Sunday Series readers!  If you are new, the Super Sunday Series is where I talk about all "things gifted."  Or if the topic's not an officially "gifted topic," I relate that week's subject to raising your gifted child.  See my introductory post on the Super Sunday Series if you want more background.

This week?  Cycles.


I've had a hard time writing this post all week.  I couldn't find much (ok, any) research on it and you know how I love to rely on research for my Super Sunday Series. 

The only connection I found was in the book Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children.  The discussion related to how mood cyles in gifted children can be mistaken for Bi-Polar Disorder.  Yikes - wouldn't that be a horrible, horrible misdiagnosis to make?

Cylcles happen with Oldest seasonally.  She will start a downward spiral, often unable to pull herself out of it until she gets in some kind of major trouble.  In some ways, I think this is just an extension of transitions, and maybe it's the long term result of a major transition.  Because it occurs so far away from the original transition, however, it doesn't feel connected.

The downward spiral manifests itself by worsening and worsening behavior, with eventually a day so bad, where she's so rude, so extreme, that I feel like my only choices are to send her to the circus or do something drastic at home. 

She's cycling down right now, as a matter of fact.  I wrote about it Monday.  Hints I have that she's on the downward trend are extreme overreations (like accusing Youngest of name calling her when she calls her by her nickname), inability to control herself (like throwing a cup at me in the car Monday) or being over the top silly (to the point where you can't even communicate with her - like I start talking and she starts quacking or something.  I GET that she's sending the message that she doesn't want to hear what I have to say, but really, sometimes that's what life's about - having to listen when you don't want to).

Interestingly, when she's on an upcycle, she's completely unstoppable.  Completely.  In a good way.  Oh!  Wow - epiphany #1 - it's the same as when she's on a downcycle - just as unstoppable.  It's just so much more painful. 

So what happens when she reaches a day of such atrocious behavior that my only alternative is to ban major privileges?  That usually turns her around.  And the discipline is usually the triple strike - no computer, tv or dessert for a week.  That's where she lives - taking those away, especially together, have a major impact. 

When does she cycle?  As I said above, seasonally:

1. Fall - about 6 weeks after school starts
2. Winter - in the month of January - after Christmas vacation
3. Spring - usually May - during the last two weeks of school
4. Summer - mid-August - about two weeks before school starts

And as I wrote these notes Friday night - it hit me right in the face.  Epiphany #2.  School's the connection.  Her cycling into poor behavior is connected to her anxiety over school starting or ending.  Looking at it now, in print, it seems so obvious, and it makes me feel completely obtuse to not have noticed the connection before this post.

How sad for her that school creates that much anxiety and stress for her.  How sad for her that we haven't given her the tools yet to stop it before it wreaks havoc on her existence. 

I would love to know if other people have this issue with their gifteds.  If so, what do you do?  I'm so sad for her right now because she is really struggling.  At the same time, however, I can't abide the poor attitude, barely controlled anger and the extreme reactions to things.  We are a family and I have a home to run, the world can't revolve around her emotions, right? 

I planned this post to hit at a time when I thought a cycle might be occurring so I could accurately reflect my feelings.  And I've got one.  And how does it make me feel as a parent?  Awful, like I can't parent her right.  Like I am failing her.  This week has been one of those weeks where I wonder (overwhelming evidence notwithstanding) if she can even be gifted because her emotions are so out of whack.   

Sometimes these Super Sunday posts are painful for me.  It hurts to dredge up emotions you feel toward your child, whom you love unconditionally.  But today's, while saddening, is also hopeful.  Through the writing itself, I discovered something new about her and that's powerful for me.  It means I can help her find the right path now.  Thank goodness. 

What will you see the rest of the month on the Super Sunday Series?  Friendship.  That, dear readers, seems to be at the heart of her current struggles.  I think I have three week's worth of material about it.  If not, we'll adjust, don't worry!  I'm flexible that way (sometimes).

Much love.